Happy New Year.. can I have a redo already..

Well, it's 2012 and I am already disliking this year.. 20 hours in and I would love nothing more than to forget all about the last 24 hours.. impossible so I'll just make do.. as usual! J got on my nerves last night, and I got on his I guess.. so now I'm all alone with the millions of thoughts in my head, what to do- what to do..? I'm going to go back on birth control.. I'm going to start trying to lose this baby weight.. I'm going to pick up again on trying to be prefect little house-wife.. stop wanting sex so much.. stop wanting affection.. we'll see where this leaves my heart, see if maybe faking that I'm prefect will make me enough so that he'll desire me with that look in his eyes.. doubt it but hey a girl can dream right? Too bad that dream cost me myself in the process.. but I'll be ok.. maybe the real me will be here one day again, if he ever shows that he loves her again.. now how do you go about repressing every emotion?

Theology...

Recently I posted a comment to a fellow member of this club called Mothers of Angels... or the Multiple Miscarriage club...

it's hard to say "God allowed this..." if you look at in a negative context, but it's equally hard to agree with the individuals that say "It just wasn't meant to be." or "Maybe there was something wrong." And yes it's hard to see people that are drugged out of their head having children that are perfectly normal, or kids having kids when they aren't even wanting them... and yes I hate how unfair it is to see that, I hate the saying that everything happens for a reason... but honestly everything does happen for a reason, and no we'll never know that reason?? Maybe the reason Michelle Dugger suffered the miscarriage was because of how many people she can reach through the TV show... lord only knows how many individuals she'll reach and be able to be a comfort because of that... just like you, Ed, have displayed your pain through this blog and have offered comfort to individuals like myself?? I know that personally, there have been things I've suffered through and later been able to help someone else due to that suffering and was able to look back and know that if I hadn't been through the ordeal I suffered I wouldn't have had the knowledge. Does that make sense?? During the pain you ask those questions looking for an answer, but after you've been able to come to terms with it you can usually look back and see the answer you missed. Not always of course... but maybe those times we are just blind to what we are seeing??

Anyways, enough Theology today... it still hurts regardless, we just struggle through it...

Here's my Christmas list...

.... No, not really because I know I won't get what I really want... I do want more quality time with my husband, I want us to be a family instead of just two individuals living together (wish that number would change in a positive way)... I want to know that he's secure in our relationship finally and I want to be secure in his love and affection, a little more expression of both would go a long way in assisting that... I want some of his work stress to go away, our financial stress to go away... I don't want to go to MD, Kansas I think I'd be ok with maybe even Oregon, Alabama, Tennessee... just not MD or anywhere in 3 hours!! I actually have really thought that Kansas would be nice, other than me worrying over the snow and weather issues..??
Back to my list - I want my sister to finally figure out what would make her happy, just her... none of this relying on others to make her happy... I wish that Makeesha would grow a back-bone and use it to make that idiot she's bound to now straighten up, or that they'd move away from the drama and he'd know to stay away from it where ever they end up! I wish Josh would learn to be his own man, instead of relying on everyone else to make his life comfortable... I just wish he wasn't so lazy!! Miranda... that girl is such an odd mix between Makeesha and Josh... she's smart but lazy, I fear that she'll never live up to the potential... I want her to be everything she can be and more, but I am so worried that it won't happen!! I want Mom and Dad healthy and happy... same with all the Aunts and Uncles and Cousins...

Umm... funny how everything is centered around happiness... I honestly just want everyone happy, healthy and going in a positive direction... all the money and things in the world can't force most of that, it can help but ultimately it comes from us as individuals... there is always the next thing, always the newest/latest gadget/game/whatever... guess what folks, it'll still be there tomorrow, the people in your life won't...

Mornings...

I love the mornings that my husband wants to curl up around me, making me feel safe and warm... loved... Those mornings aren't often and almost always occur on days that I can't stay put...

I wish I felt that way with him every day...

so... *shrug*

I cried last night for the first time in a while... I remembered a letter that I'd written when I first found out I was pregnant... I remember writing it not necessarily in the most positive language, and I wondered if I knew instinctual that it wouldn't last. I also wonder at my refusal to believe that I might possibly be pregnant... something that I want so badly??
Anyways, I cried and just wanted comfort but I couldn't explain this to J and now... I don't know... I feel so alone in this even when I feel like I'm finally getting better, I still feel trapped by this unexplainable emotion and event!!

Trying...

Everyday is a new day right?? Well today I just realized I'm late by a few days... and I'm stressing!!! Damn it, just when I'm getting ok, I get bambuzzled!!!

I've gotta think about something else?? Homework, check... Christmas Photos, maybe check...

Thanksgiving...

Well Thanksgiving weekend is over and honestly I think I should be more thankful than I have been... I should realize that I'm an intelligent individual, with a husband who despite everything I believe really loves me. I have an amazing set of parents (even if I don't or didn't always realize it), a sister that even though she's crazy and selfish is still my sister, two nieces and a nephew along with a great-nephew (my Pony)... No I don't have kids of my own yet, but I keep trying to believe that I've still got time for that - and if it proves that I can't have my own, there are always children out there that need someone to love them. Sometimes I think that I might want to do that anyways after J retires from the military... IDK??
I'm mostly healthy, aside from my weight and occasional migraines or allergies, I don't have anything debilitating... I have good friends even though I wish I had more or was able to keep up with the ones from my past better, I still know they are there... strange how that realization comes from seemingly nowhere?? But I know that there are a few that I could call tomorrow and talk to like I'd never skipped a day, nevermind two or more years with nothing more than a Facebook comment or three...

Just one of those days that I tend to reflect on odd things...

Steps Forward and Back...

Ok, so maybe I should have posted this yesterday while it was still really fresh in my memory but I'll post it today so that I'm not so angry over the whole scene...
Jonathan decided to badger me about my weight... I'm not in the least happy with him!!! 1st it was "Do me a favor..." which turned into him bringing the scale into the living room and setting it down in front of me to be weighed. Granted I'm heavier than I should be, but damn, that was about cold!! 2nd he told me "It's bad when your rolls have rolls..." and then that I couldn't get into the military if I wanted to because I was over the 32% body fat blah blah... OMG!! So mad... Ultimately I finally calmed down but I just don't understand why he thought that was acceptable??

1st Step of Recovery...

... admit that you have a problem!

I'm obsessed with, depressed over, and angry about my miscarriage... There I admit that I have a huge issue... it doesn't make things any easier, but I finally feel like I'm starting to be ok?? Finally...

Sculptures...

"Go Tell Mommy I'm Okay"

http://www.etsy.com/listing/85374368/angel-baby-clay-sculpture-with-colored

"Holding onto Hope"

http://www.etsy.com/listing/70000375/holding-onto-hope-made-to-order?image_id=227049250

"Sending Mommy Her Rainbow"

 http://www.etsy.com/listing/80210803/sending-mommy-her-rainbow-made-to-order

I just started crying when I saw these... Amazing...

The other type of "two week wait"

Recently I found this on another blog...

For those of us who have experienced recurrent pregnancy loss, the "two week wait" doesn't end when we get the positive pregnancy test. In fact, that's just the beginning of the very worst kind of wait - waiting to miscarry ...or to make it through the first trimester.

It's an agonizing experience. You can't allow yourself to become too invested or hopeful, but it's hard to remain completely detached. You don't get to really enjoy being a pregnant woman, but you have to observe all of the restrictive rules of pregnancy (no caffeine, alcohol, etc).

It's hard.

I'm struggling, so I constantly hunt for something to soothe my brain and my heart... I am back and forth, some days I'm okay and function normally... some days I scour the internet for someone to talk to or someone's account of their struggles to read...

I try to open up occasionally, but usually I only get a little way into it before it becomes painful and I just want to find something else to talk about... I can't seem to break through that barrier... Then I read the above and I realize what it is that I'm struggling against, not that I didn't already know kinda, but I feel like maybe I understand it better?? I know what it feels like to see an image on the screen that appears to be healthy, but it's not... I know what it feels like to see nothing on the screen and then face possibly the most painful "period" cramp EVER (stupid doctor)... but I still find myself oddly attracted to knowing and watching those around me who are preg, seeing what they are going through... and I still look into the mirror and wonder what my "bump" would look like now... two week wait, yeah, more like 9 months or sometimes a lifetime!

Really, you didn't know?

So apparently I asked a stupid question last night... I asked, "Do you wonder why I'm not preg?" This questions was answered with 1st dead silence, then the question of "You aren't on birth control?" with the sound of him freaking out lacing his voice... I wanted to slap him, I wanted to cry... No, I'm not on BC because we discussed this after the M/C and determined that we'd try to use alternate methods (other than a condom because he refused to wear one now that he's married), however he clearly stated that because he's impatient he probably wouldn't remember to use anything. So now what...
I try to not say anything, I try to be cautious at least when I do... but I really don't understand, is it that he's really against having kids, doesn't he understand that I am stressed out by this... I'm frustrated and just want to get answers... like another one I have is why he hasn't gone and finished the testing we need to have done??

Officially..

Officially... I am not pregnant... still...
Officially... I'm slipping back into my mode of being unhappy in my marriage...
Officially... I am struggling again to communicate...
Officially... I'm wanting to strike out and make EVERYONE as miserable as I am some days...

Officially... I'm unsure of what to do anymore...

I just really don't?? Yesterday I started, unexpectedly heavy too... then this morning I woke up feeling like I was reliving my miscarriage, I felt sick over it and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball!! Literally, I had these crazy pains in my back and lower abdomen, it felt horrible and finally after about 15 minutes of trying to calm down to determine if it was just my imagination or not I started actually feeling like I was going to throw up... so off the bathroom I go to deal with feeling all of that craziness alone, again... crawled back to bed and just didn't want to even think about waking up again...eventually I came too again but I have a headache and really just want to hibernate for a while, well actually I'd like to go get a massage but that idea was effectively squashed (financial reasons) which is why I'm slipping and struggling with the above as well as wanting to strike out... I know I need to talk, but to what end?? I'll say something about the drinking and smoking (which btw is about $100 a month easily I'd say) but all that will happen with that is he'll get mad, then I might say something about how he's still flagged and how we don't know anything definite about anything... that comment will stir up other issues... I could bring up the hunting and mounts, but he'll start in about how I have mounts too and we got to spend time together doing something we enjoyed... BS - he got to do something he enjoyed and while I enjoyed it, it's not something that I enjoy if he's not involved... mention horses and he grumbles, mention hikes or something like that and he grumbles, mention going to a  football game other than the Kansas City Chiefs and it's grumbling then too... basically mention anything that isn't exactly what he likes to do and he grumbles, which means I step back and don't pursue it... Whatever, I'm still a coward and still scared of saying anything when he has put his foot down... why I'm like that with him, I don't know?!? I'm so tired of it...

"I Am Love"

"I Am Love" 
Author Unknown

"Some say I can fly on the wind, yet I haven’t any wings.
Some have found me floating on the open sea, yet I cannot swim.
Some have felt my warmth on cold nights, yet I have no flame.
And though you cannot see me,
I lay between two lovers at the hearth of fireplaces.
I am the twinkle in your child’s eyes.
I am hidden in the lines of your mother's face.
I am your father's shield as he guards your home.
And yet… Some say I am stronger than steel, yet I am as fragile as a tear.
Some have never searched for me, yet I am around them always.
Some say I die with loss, yet I am endless.
And though you cannot hear me, I dance on the laughter of children.
I am woven into the whispers of passion.
I am in the blessings of Grandmothers.
I embrace the cries of newborn babies.
And yet… Some say I am a flower, yet I am also the seed.
Some have little faith in me, yet I will always believe in them.
Some say I cannot cure the ill, yet I nourish the soul.
And though you cannot touch me, I am the gentle hand of the kind.
I am the fingertips that caress your cheek at night.
I am the hug of a child.
I am love.”

Nightly thoughts..

A friend of mine contacted me tonight that I haven't talked to really other than "Hi" and "How are you?" and other simple pleasing comments that make us feel like we keep in contact since high school, maybe college... I miss those friendships I had then all the time! Anyways, tonight the words she was writing sounded so sad and lonely... I know the feeling... And she made a comment about how she wanted more kids, missed her mom along with a few other comments that really touched me and made me wish I'd worked harder on maintaining those friendships... Maybe then I wouldn't feel so closed off...? Hopefully I can get her to talk to me more tomorrow...

Discovery

So, I have made a little discovery... I'm obsessed with my anger and hurt!! I'm obsessed to the point where I will meditate on it and find things to pick apart so I'm caused more pain... I don't know if that's exactly true but that's what it feels like I'm doing... I find websites where the sole focus is infertility and multiple miscarriages, I obsess over reading them over and over... I hunt for new reasons why I haven't been able to carry to term... I allow myself to be in this funk that just won't shake!! Oh and I am beginning to feel like there is something hormonally wrong with me... I'm scared, sad, tired as hell, frustrated over little things... I don't know why??? And I don't know if I want to find out yet if I'm possibly... yeah, not going to even say it!!!

I'll give it a few months and see where I am then... until then, I'll probably keep obsessing!

Friends... Do I really have to be happy for you??

So to sum things up, the last few days I've wanted nothing more than to crawl in a hole and sleep till all of the people I know currently that are preg or have spouses that are preg have had said baby... I don't want to hear about how excited they are, how excited their family is, how each doc visit goes wonderful, that everything is progressing perfect... I don't wanna hear about the baby kicking or anything like that...
So do I really have to be happy for you?? Can't I just hate you...

What brought this on... this hateful nature, I think it comes from one of my best friends telling me that his fiance is preg!! I was fine with my co-worker (well relatively fine anyways) being about the same progression I should have been, I was fine with some of my old classmates that are just now preg for the first time or having their (2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...) next child... hell I was even somewhat ok when my lovely niece (who less than a year ago gave birth to a beautiful little boy) thought she was preg again and didn't wanna be...  Why does he affect me??  I can't decide if it's because I feel like the one person who I knew I wouldn't have to face the monsters in my head with is now in fact a monster breeder!!! That sounds so mean, I even tried to explain to him a little but I'm sure I sounded like a horrible sniping witch... but he's one of those guys that seems to understand regardless which makes me feel even more like a heel!! I know some part of me is happy for him and even excited, part of me wants to be tortured apparently too cause I can't help but be curious about all aspects!! It's just not fair... it's not fair that I can't cope better... it's not fair that I couldn't be feeling a little foot in my ribs right now, or doing a tap-dance on my bladder... do I sound a little off my rocker??? I can't control the desire to be sad or angry sometimes, and when I can't I feel like it's taking over... All the testing should have been completed by now, but it's not, J's dragging his feet on it... that makes me a little sad too?? I don't know how to deal with that because shouldn't he want to make sure anything medical like I do might be causing the issue?? UGH!! I can't talk to him... it's too draining...

I don't want to lose another child... 3 medically confirmed and at least 2 others that I usually refuse to admit to because they weren't medically confirmed or even tested at all is more than enough for me to steer clear of that pain for a while... I don't even have an ultrasound picture!!! I can't bury them, I wasn't given the chance to rejoice in them, or really grieve... but for your sake I'll put that away just like I do with everyone else, I'll put on a smiling face and act like everything is perfect... There - I'm happy again, my world isn't tilting off it's axis, and everyone that sees me will get the impression that my life is perfect...

Everything you do...

... affects another!!

Ever wonder about that?? What one single action you do, what a single word you speak, what a single decision you make might ultimately cause - in other words something that you perceive as a small insignificant thing (well, maybe not small or insignificant but something that you believe will only reflect back on you alone) could cause a major reaction somewhere else, sometime else, in someone else??? A commercial got me thinking about this, funny huh... well, not only a commercial but I think it was the catalyst for this post regardless... I wish I could explain my thoughts more coherently but for some strange reason lately that particular trait has decided that it is going to elude me and does not want me to be sane apparently... at least sane sounding because truly I'm probably far from sane on a good day!!
Lets take for instance Facebook, I love Facebook... I can keep up with how everyone is doing to some degree or another, I can play games to relax and unwind, I can let everyone that is a "friend" know how I'm doing if I choose, so on and so forth right? Well, I see a post on there about so and so being preg... so and so doing something with their kids... a kid complaining about their parents... it goes on and on and sometimes those posts make me laugh, sometimes cry, sometimes just get so angry I can't see straight!!! But I think the point I'm getting at is that those little mundane posts changes my feelings and emotions in the instant... they give me a new perspective or just make me feel like fate has played a nasty little trick on me... but all in all it affects me!! And hardly anyone really thinks about what they post and how that post might contribute to my well being, let alone the 400 other friends they have (cause lets face it, most of us have some crazy number of friends on there and really how many of them do we interact with daily, weekly or hell even monthly). It's just odd that we take things like that for granted kinda...

Pride and Prejudice Abridged

Okay so anyone that knows me, knows I'm addicted to the classic by Jane Austen "Pride and Prejudice"... It's my go to book, and I'm constantly hunting for the latest in what is considered Prequels or Sequels to this book even just different variations of the same story... this is the shortest version I've ever had the privilege to read and I can't help but laugh every time!! Enjoy...

Marsha Altman's Pride and Prejudice Abridged

(Meryton Assembly)
DARCY: She is tolerable; but not enough to tempt me.
ELIZABETH: Excuse me!
DARCY (remembering he’s a gentleman): Excuse me. I did not realize you were listening in this relatively small ballroom, depending on the adaptation.
ELIZABETH: I was.
DARCY: I really am sorry. (Notices she’s cute) Listen, my friend dragged me to this, and I don’t like assemblies, and I’m in a bad mood over this family thing. Can we start over?
ELIZABETH: Hmm. What a reasonable thing to say. All right.

(Jane gets sick at Netherfield. Elizabeth goes to Netherfield, bumps elbows with Darcy.)
ELIZABETH: So you are picky about the women you date, as is probably the thing a rich man with many fortune hunters on his coattail would be?
DARCY: Yes. I like intelligent women who read a lot. Do you read a lot?
ELIZABETH: Yes.
DARCY: Awesome.

(Elizabeth meets Wickham.)
WICKHAM: … And those are all the reasons that Darcy sucks.
ELIZABETH: I’m tempted to believe you, man I just met and has no established reputation – as opposed to Mr. Darcy, whom I have known longer and is established to be a respectable gentleman – for no particular reason that I can see, should be verified by least one other person.
WICKHAM: …
ELIZABETH: I know! Mr. Darcy wouldn’t say anything good, but Mr. Bingley thinks the best of everyone. I’ll ask him if he knows Wickham.

(At another meeting)
ELIZABETH: Blah blah blah. Do you know Mr. Wickham?
BINGLEY: That guy? Oh, for the good of society, Darcy went out of his way to tell me what a devious man he was. He even told my sisters. Let me explain…
ELIZABETH: Hmm. Wickham can’t back up his story. Well, maybe I should take it with a grain – maybe a pound – of salt.

(After the Netherfield Ball)
MISS BINGLEY: We must away to London at once!
BINGLEY: Why?
MISS BINGLEY: The Bennets are nothing more than scheming chits!
BINGLEY: Well, technically, they’re gentry, and we’re little more than middle class until I buy an estate. Darcy?
DARCY (stops daydreaming about Elizabeth): Their mother is detestable and their sisters little more.
BINGLEY: Well, am I marrying the hot, sweet girl I love or the mother? Or the sisters?
DARCY: Oh right. Yeah, um… let’s give it another week or two. Until it gets really cold. You know.
(Bingley gets the hint that Jane isn’t timid and marries her.)
DARCY: Well, have to run. Family stuff.

(Kent)
ELIZABETH: Mr. Darcy!
DARCY: Miss Bennet!
ELIZABETH: What are you doing here?
DARCY: You know how you have to hang around with annoying relatives during the holidays?
ELIZABETH: Oh, right.
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM: And I’m his cousin! Darcy is so awesome. And dreamy.
DARCY: Shut up, plot device character who exists solely for us to have a reason to awkwardly flirt. (To Elizabeth) Marry me?
ELIZABETH: Yes!

(The double wedding)
VICOR: Do you take ––
AUNT CATHERINE: No! This cannot be! Darcy, you must marry your cousin, which I will remind first-time high school readers is an acceptable custom at this time period!
DARCY: Hmm. Maybe me not marrying her for the past five years hasn’t been enough of a sign. Well, this will be. I do.
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM: No! Jane!
JANE: Who are you?
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM: I’m the guy who’s like Bingley, only less dorky and with no money to support you, whom many people think you should marry because I was cast well in the BBC miniseries!
BINGLEY: Hey! I’m a lovable dork.
JANE: And I’ve never even met this guy.
ELIZABETH: And isn’t the whole principle behind your character, aside from spreading good and bad gossip about Darcy, is that you need to marry rich?
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM: True love will show the way!
DARCY: I call F*&k with Canon. Anyone?
BINGLEY: Totally.
JANE: Who is this guy?
(Colonel Fitzwilliam is thrown out of the church, and everyone is married and lives happily ever after.)

I love my phone again!

Seriously.. LOL - EVO Shift is awesome and now that my screen is working correctly again I'm definitely happy!

I had to update everything because my old phone was apparently jacked up when I got it, the screen didn't shift when you turned it sideways or anything.. but now it does it all!

Defendant state your case...

"I'm insane your honor!"

Yes that would be my reply for any and all acts of violence I might currently do!! No, it's not much for a case, but then haven't people won with that exact line in several others??
1st off - I've decided that pregnancy is a debilitating disease... one that no woman is every cured of. Care to know how I came to this conclusion (other than insanity that is)... easy - either A) a woman is preg, has a child that she loves and would do anything for (at least in most cases this is what a mother would do for her child), and is in a constant state of worry/concern/scared-out-of-her-wits sorta way and will be until that said mother dies. I've learned this from watching my own mother freak out time and time again even though I'm now 30 and haven't lived under her roof technically for about 10 years, I swear she's paranoid but I do understand the worried feeling she gets over every little thing that happens... and mom I do love you for it even if I don't say it and I'm truly sorry for ever worrying you... B) a woman is preg, doesn't have the child for any number of reasons ranging from a miscarriage to a still birth, and goes on to grieve for YEARS regardless of the other number of children that she might be so lucky to have after or before said event in which case we refer back to case A and she's still insane regardless... C) a woman can't ever get preg for various reason and it makes her feel inadequate or less of a woman and because of this she either becomes bitter or her self-esteem goes off down the pipes or any other number of things... of course there is always the option of adoption but honestly that doesn't change that inadequacy it just masks over it. Yeah, you get to be a mom to a wonderful child who you'll cherish and love and revert back to case A again, but occasionally you'll think about the woman who gave birth to this child and wonder what the circumstances of the birth were (if you don't already know them) and why anyone would choose to give up a child?? I know there are reasons that are understandable and I know that there are women out there who unlike Case A don't choose to keep their child and raise it... or choose to keep it and still not raise it... either way it's choosing to not be a mom to a child that had  no say in it!! Of course that also brings up the whole thing of abortion which quite honestly makes me a little ill, again I understand the reasons for it, but for those of us who want children it just seems unfair that someone can get preg and choose to not have the child at all or choose to give it up for adoption... again I know there are multiple cases out there where my opinion would change and I would be understanding and while I would grieve for that child (or lack of child) and even possibly say it was the right decision, I would still grieve.
Okay, I know I'm ranting... but I'm just so tired of being happy for people that are pregnant!! Why can't I say "I hate you that you are pregnant and I'm not!", why can't I rip someone's throat out for mentioning someone else being pregnant?? It's not that I'm truly that spiteful, but sometimes I wonder if the earlier civilizations have it right... pregnancy should be a private thing, not a public thing!! At least then for those who are in the same position I'm in currently wouldn't be feeling so let down by fate... of course I'd want to shout from the tallest building and I know I would if I were pregnant, wouldn't I?? Actually I don't know really that I would, I might want a few close friends and family members (employers obviously would have to know) to know but I think that would be it until it's beyond obvious for anyone else to not notice... I had no desire to tell anyone beyond a few friends, my parents and my niece this last time and even then I didn't wanna tell them for a while anyways. I wanted it to be my secret, mine!! I daydreamed of how I was going to tell my father... and I wept silent tears when 3 weeks later that day came and went and I no longer was preg and had no news to impart that was joyous. A week earlier I'd seen the black hole where there should have been a fetus, I wasn't in the mood to be celebrating Father's Day!!
Speaking of, what are your ideas for how you think your father reacted when he found out he was going to be a father?? How do you think your significant other would have been with you while you were preg?? I know that my dad was happy, and that he wanted to be there for everything including the delivery... I think often of how I'd love to have my spouse be the overly concerned type, wanting to rub my expanding waist with lotion, talking to it in the middle of the night when he thinks I'm not aware...

Blah, blast this post to hell and back... I don't want to think anymore about pregnancies... only reason I am currently is because of two things - one being a bro-n-law who's apparently VERY potent since he's been back in his wives arms for about 2 weeks and they are telling my husband they're expecting... and two because I keep thinking about how some people like to lie and cause drama over their supposed miscarriages and pregnancies...
I'm going back to my other life for a while... forgetting again for a bit hopefully that I've ever had a miscarriage, nevermind 3...

Yep, bad bad blogger...

Lets see... I think this was the previous post's title or at least something very similar...
So let's play catch up...
1. Hawaii was awesome, really would like to go back... Some highlights there would be the fishing, the snorkeling, the whales/dolphins/turtles/etc, Stephanie (no not me), the Swap Meet, and the island in general... I really wanna go back!!
2. Moved back to Texas... Meet Mitzi and Derek... LOVE YOU BOTH!!! Bay and Bray... love you both too... crazy brat children...
3. Went to work for a company called Formosa, yeah, lets just say I'm glad to be away from that stress!!
4. My beautiful niece, Makeesha, had a beautiful little boy... I call him "Pony", yes I'm leaving it at that...
5. Lost my job with Formosa and have been doing contract work since on a on again/off again basis... which sucks... meet people and done a few things outta the ordinary though??
6. Umm...  lets skip 6 and 7 cause they weren't good things at all ... ... ... ... ... had a miscarriage, again... ... ... ... ... ... ... almost got divorced again... ... ...
8.  My sister has pushed me to the brink over and over and over again...
9. Gone on a few amazing hunts for exotics... Killed my first Sika and Blackbuck...
10. My dad's leg wound seems to have healed up finally... Reminds me, I need to read his letters one day!!
11. Ran my first ever Marathon Relay... Love you Jana, Rosie, Ada, Michelle and Emily - I miss track at lunch!!
12. Started back to college... twice... this last week started my last course for the 2nd time... hopefully no major blowups this go round... stupid teacher not knowing how to open a file!!!
13... ... ... ... I think that's it...

So, yeah, lots has happened, lots I wish hadn't happened... hell lots I wish had happened...
Anyways it's all neither here nor there though... I am what life has made me... and right now life has made me a very sad individual?! Not that I'm usually crazy happy or anything but recently I'm even more upset and off... I know the why but I don't know how to fix it... and sleep doesn't always come easy, which would be why yet again I'm up at nearly 3am typing away on a keyboard...

Night Blogville!

I've been a bad blogger. . .

Well it is late at night and I am sitting up instead of sleeping next to my husband. . why I am is still a mystery, but I just couldn't stay in bed!! So I figured I could best use the time that I was supposed to be sleeping for something more useful. . like writing here since I haven't in so long!??

So I guess I need to catch everything up first of all. .
I still have no real job, although I have had a couple of contracts that paid $60 per site visit- Which is so cool!! I installed a printer and then went back to troubleshoot another!?!
J took me on a helicopter ride for our 3rd anniversary around the island. . it was really nice! We got to see the Sacred Falls, The Dole Plantation Maze, Pearl Harbor and it's relic ships and several other awesome things from the air and I took tons of pictures!!
We've also done a couple of fishing trips out about 5 miles. . we've caught Marlin, Yellow-fin Tuna and Rainbow Runners. . SO MUCH FUN!!
I also attended the Hawaii bowl. . and have gone snorkeling and surfing!!

But I guess those are the major things!? Everything else is fluff for the most part. . I mean you have your normal every day thing. . like going out and hanging out with friends, neighbors and family. . but for the most part the above things are the biggest things I have done here!! So lame. . .

Last Day of 2005!

Well yes it has been a while since I last entered a post in here. . but I have been busy setting up our house here in Hawaii, trying to get a job, working with Mimic and his habit of barking at every little thing and a million other things going on!!
We got invited to the Dec '05 Hawaii Bowl by J's cousin Mikki and his wife Maria. We sat in the upper section of the shady side of the stadium and watched what ended up being an awesome game!! I also had the opportunity to meet Chelsea, Mikki's youngest sister, who is a complete blast. She is attending College in Washington state which is why this was the first chance I had to actually get to know her face to face.
I also finally went for my first hike here in Hawaii a couple of days ago. . it was me, Chelsea, and Bill (upstairs neighbor). . we went on the Kuliouou trail which starts in a Hawaii Kai subdivision and is a good straight up hike ending with an awesome view of the south/southeast side of the island!! It was so beautiful. . the folliage changed several times going from lush tropical ferns and trees to a couple different species of pines to where there was hardly anything at all growing aside from weeds!! Going back down was so much easier . . in fact I ran back down practically!!
We spent Christmas out at Aunt Mareen's house in Kailua. She lives about a block from the ocean, which is very cool and also afforded us a chance to introduce Mimic for the first time to the ocean and also to sand. . it was a pretty amusing day and not one that most can brag about?!

But today was the most exciting yet. .
. . Today we went out on a deep sea fishing charter. .
. . . We Caught MARLIN!! 3 of them!! How cool is that!!?
We tried going out for Mikki's B-Day but the seas were too rough for all of that so we scheduled it for today and it was beautiful out!! We got out on the water about 6am or so and stayed out till a little past 1pm. . it was a great day! First we were explained how to reel the fish in after the crew was certain there was a fish on the line, shown where all of the safety stuff was such as life jackets and such, then we went out to the bouy to catch bait fish. The first couple of hours out on the boat were very boring and since you couldn't really see anything till the sun came up anyways there wasn't much to do but speculate what would happen. When the sun finally did come up it was such a pretty sight to see . . then came our first sighting of a whale!! They breached and spouted water then disappeared only to surface again not 50 ft from the boat!! It scared the crap outta the Captain and Crew nevermind us. Capt I swear was terrified they might decide to try and nuzzle the boat and capsize us!! Shortly after the whales decided that we were not anything interesting, we got our first hit of the day and the fight was on for Mikki although it didn't last long nor did we get the fish on the boat which was sad. But we were only beginning our day and the capt. assured us that most of the time the fish didn't really start to hit untill at least 11am, at the time it was only about 9. . ? Captain Jr. was right!! About 11 we got 4 or 5 hits to the reels we had set out but the crew was only able to get two of the hooks actually set . . but that meant that J and Bill were up to reel in their fish, that was when the both of them and several of their buddies decided to do an aerial show and let us know that they were Marlins!! I started recording the event and it was something else!! Man was it a blast. . J's weighed in at 45lbs with a length of 72 inches and Bill's was not much behind those numbers and of course J remembered that I had told him that he was welcome to get his first catch of the deep blue mounted if he would like and so I stroked a check for a mount to be made. . it should arrive sometime in March hopefully!! About an hour after all the excitment had finally gotten to a controlable level we were set off again with a couple of the rods getting bites. . it was finally my turn. . Bill picked up the camera and I picked up the rod and the fight was on again!! Mine lasted a bit longer than either of the boys because as luck would have it. . I got the actual sport rod. . the lightest rod set up that had out in the water. . It was a BLAST!! Literally. . since they had to use the boom stick to kill the thing and get it on the boat!! And the best part. . It measured the same length as J's and was only a few lbs lighter!!

So end of the story . . and end of the day. . It was a great way to end the day too. .
After my fish was safely on the boat we turned back to harbor and went home with about 20-30lbs of Marlin steaks. I am just glad we didn't decide to go out for the night. . I am exhausted!!

Settled in. . Finally!!

Well we are finally getting settled in. . .

Got housing on Friday. . along with all of our furniture and things. So all weekend we have been putting together the house as best as we can, and it is really coming together fairly well!!

I'M HERE!!!

Well lets see. . I am finally in Hawaii and it is great!!!

Just a catch up. . .

Flight went great. We left from Dulles (VA) at 8:30am the 26th of Oct and landed in Denver for a hour lay over around 10am local time. . then off to Hawaii. We landed in Honolulu at 3:30pm local time and had to walk around trying to find out how to get to where we were to be met at- Talk about Crazy!! But we finally found Renee and Ray, got all of our baggage, picked up Mimic, dropped everything off at Tripler Guest housing, and got outta there to grab some food at Chili's. I think we were back in the guest housing and asleep by about 10ish. . . talk about crazy!! That was a crazy day!! Oh. . but it was cool when we were landing and I wish I could have gotten to my damned camera cause there was this great big rainbow perfectly centered over Tripler (Big Pink Palace) kinda like welcoming us into paradise!! It was very pretty!!

First two whole days we were actually in state we didn't really do a whole lot considering we had no damned car. . so we depended on the kindness of friends to come and visit and take us around. . (Jess- THANK YOU!!) but J did get all signed into Base, not into the unit because there was game underfoot about that crap!!
After that it was only a matter of getting our asses in gear cause we had to have loco-motion to get around and check out this wonderful new world we were in! WE RENTED A CAR!!

We had the car rented for about 5 days and checked out about half the island while looking for a car to purchase inbetween cruising the streets and finally ended up buying an Isuzu Amigo "My Friend" that is actually a pretty good little island car. We also got to met up with some of J's family that he hardly even knows and have been visiting with them on the weekends!!

Last 2 Days in MD

Friday was our closing day on our house. . . we were treated to dinner after by the buyers which was pretty cool. . the damper - J's dad came to the house for the weekend!! But that is a rant all to itself. . I hate men some days!
Needless to say that Friday night, Saturday - All day and Sunday morning sucked pretty bad. . Thank God that Tina (next door neighbor) had invited me over to her house Saturday even though that event itself caused just as many issues as if I hadn't!!
Sunday cause I needed the break I went out and rode for the last time at EMT Ranch! I am going to so miss Mischief and the rest of the horses out there!!

Anyways. . Today was J's going away luncheon for his Unit - It was actually pretty nice. . they said a lot of nice things about him and awarded him two medals. Now we are hanging out at his NCOIC's house till wed morning!

Last Full Week in MD. . . .Tuesday!

Well I really believe I am getting overly excited. . I wanna talk about everything that comes up but I don't want to be over zealous in how I come across and that is just annoying!! It is like being in a constant state of "Check and Balance", which I absolutely hate!! Grrr. . I mean I can't tell off people that I wanna tell off cause then I would have to deal with other issues that come up due to my behavior and attitude. . but I hate that nothing is done right!! I mean come on. . the guy is supposed to have been trained to take over my position. . and he still has no clue cause he keeps getting sent to deal with our new client. . oh well. . 2 days and they can't touch me!! HA

Aside from that. . J's dad is coming down to see us this weekend. . supposedly?! Why in the world does he wanna visit when we hardly have anything in the house to entertain with. . People are so stupid!! I am glad that I am working at the ranch over the weekend!!

I got a package from Harley Davidson today . . the owner sent over two shirts for me and J. . I thought that was freaking cool as hell!!

Good weekend. . and Last week to worry about!!

The weekend was pretty interesting. .
Friday after I got off work, we went to dinner at Applebees. . I love eating there and love love love the Perfect Margarita!!! After we got back I got a call from the ranch owners asking if I would be available to work on Saturday. . I figured it would be good to be outta the house so I said I would be there.
So Saturday went out and worked there . . it was so much fun. . well aside from getting pawed by Tag-a-long it was fun, damn colt decided he didn't want me to take away his food bucket after he was done eating!! We had about 5 rides - 1 lunch, 1 two hour canal, and 3 hour and a half mountain rides - so we (the guides) were split up most of the day. The last 2 rides were a complete blast for different reasons. . the last one cause I got to play with Mischief and run around with her closing gates while the other two guides lead the actual trail ride. . the next to last cause it was a whole bunch of ghetto city folk (not being racist either) so it was just amusing, ecspecially when the biggest woman of the bunch came in there telling us what we would and wouldn't do and what she was and wasn't going to ride. . hello. . you are pushing 350lbs and lying thru your teeth so you aren't going to get to ride unless we put you on the damned draft horse!! Grrr. . people are so stupid!! Anyways. . got done about 6pm and found out that J had decided we were going to Baltimore to go out. . so I had to talk one of the girls into covering the next day for me. . and then race home to get showered and dressed to go out dancing!!
Sunday we were lazy till about noon when Pam finally got up. . . then we drove home and watched FootBall and Charmed!!! BTW. . Texas A&M 62, Oklahoma State 23 . . . Gig'em!!

Today I take Mimic for his last vet appointment before he gets on the plane to go to Hawaii!! I am so excited. . . one more week of "work" (more like just keeping busy so I am not bored). . Friday we close on the house . . Saturday and Sunday I work out at the ranch for the last time. . and then we will be driving up to stay with J's NCOIC till we fly out.

Progress. . .

Well we are finally down to the last portion of the wait before boarding the Boeing 777 Jet out of Dulles International Airport that will take us to Denver Colorado so we can board the Boeing 767 Jet that is taking us to Hawaii!! LOL

Last night we took my truck to the Baltimore Harbor to load it onto a ship so it could being its month long trip. I took off from work about 1pm, had lunch with DH, and then drove to the harbor. We got there about 3pm and had to wait in line for about 15 minutes to be told that "While normally they accept a vehicle that has exactly a 1/4 of a tank of gas. . ." they weren't at that point!! Grrr. . pissed me off. . so we had to drive around to get my truck to where it was under a 1/4 of a tank of gas then get back to the harbor to be checked in before 4 o'clock!! That was so stupid!! I was so ready to strangle someone!! So we get there . . get all checked in and I hand in all the paper work that has been collecting in my folder for the last two weeks and I have to wait while DH gets to take my truck through the whole process of getting it on the ship . . I wanted to do that since I was the one who had to get all the stupid paper work together!! Grrr. .
We finally got outta there about 20 after 5 only to be stuck in Baltimore traffic going back to Frederick!! I think we finally got back home around 8ish. . ?? So for the next week or so I'll have DH's truck and he'll have to walk or borrow a car from our neighbors if he wants to go anywhere!! Ha Ha!!

Once we got home we faced an interesting issue. . our "bed" had sprung a leak over the course of the day and now all the air was out and we had to figure out a way of getting the pinhole fixed (Mimic found the hole for us) and blowing it back up. I was light-headed for about a hour after all of that. . but DH did good and went and cooked up a couple of snacky foods for us to chow on before going to bed. Well our patch didn't hold so now I gotta find a new way of covering this leak cause there is no way I am going to deal with a deflated bed again tonight. . my back hurts like hell!!

So today I am dealing with a sore back, being tired, driving DH's monster truck (no bigger than mine but has a less responsive turning radius), and its my last scheduled day of work!! So all next week I'll be in and out of the office. . working down in our cable division and tying up loose ends. . CAN'T WAIT!! Then we'll be closing on our house the 21st and that monday driving to DH's NCOIC house so we can crash there for the remainder of the time we have here in MD. . YEAH!!!

Surprise weekend!!

Well this weekend was very awesome. . and I have to definitely give props to Eric and Pam for scheming to make it so secretive and such a great surprise!!

The weekend was planned to be just a Friday night party night and then come home Saturday in time to watch some college football and go out to dinner. What actually happened was a plan that had apparently been under construction since before we had our last BBQ in our house, Eric flew up to Baltimore for a surprise going away party for me and J!! Pam had invited us up knowing he was going to have the weekend off from his WO/Flight School and had prepped us to be meeting her new boyfriend (which she unfortunatly has broken up with) while partying in DC!! We got to her house around 5ish Friday afternoon and started trying to get everything ready to go since it had been raining cats and dogs all damned day and looked to be that way for the remainder of the weekend. Around 7 she announced that she would be going to go pick up her "boyfriend" who lives about 40 minutes away in about a hour, so 8 rolls around and she buzzes off to go get him. I had started falling asleep on the couch at this point and J decided to try and teach Lindsay (Pam's Roommate) and her Boyfriend, Lex, to play some sort of drinking game so by the time Pam gets back to her house I was passed out from exhaustion and J, Lindsay, and Lex were properly drunk so it was completely chaotic when they walked thru the door!! Eric brought his new girlfriend, Becky, who btw I think we scared cause she didn't leave his side much. . not that I blame her but ya know? She was really sweet. . and I think J loved cracking short jokes on her cause she was all of maybe 4'10?? How she put up with him doing that was beyond me cause I would have slapped him several times during the course of the night, but she did and she also tried really hard to stay up with us drinking and playing games!! Anyways. .Friday night ended about 4am on Saturday morning and Saturday started about 9am. . Talk about a bunch of tired people. . I don't even know how we did half of the things we got to on Saturday!! So Saturday we went shopping, bowled and got over to Chili's to get some food. . then headed back to the house to plan on what would go on after hours!! We ended up not doing anything else but watching movies and playing card games while talking. . but it was so much fun!! I was really wishing that Eric and Becky could have stayed longer . . SUCH A GREAT WEEKEND!!!

Ok. . seriously enough is enough!!

Ok so Newbie is driving me crazy!!!

Out sick all week. . and now he has his poor hand sliced open from GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT!! So that leaves me to do everything he was supposed to all week and I am so lost since I haven't been doing any of these things in the last couple of weeks? I hope he doesn't just quit. . cause I don't wanna be stuck doing real work the last week I am here!! ICK!!

Progress?

These are the logs from the progress reports online for our Furniture and stuff. . .

Your UB shipment started it's way to TRIPLER GENERAL on: 22-SEP-05
The shipment is traveling on Government Bill of Lading Number(GBL): SP-148375
The shipment is traveling on Transportation Control Number(TCN): A5265016627428JXX
It is coming via Code : J - UB Air Mobility Command (Military Aircraft)
Your Carrier Accelerated International Forwarders has agreed to make every effort to meet the Required Delivery Date (RDD) of 31-OCT-05.
If your shipment is offered for delivery prior to 31-OCT-05 our office will contact you at whatever phone number(s) you designate as your point(s) of contact.

Your HHG shipment started it's way to TRIPLER GENERAL on: 23-SEP-05
The shipment is traveling on Government Bill of Lading Number(GBL): SP-148374
It is coming via Code : 4 - Door-to-door HHG containers
Your Carrier Tri-Star International Forwarding, I has agreed to make every effort to meet the Required Delivery Date (RDD) of 18-NOV-05.
If your shipment is offered for delivery prior to 18-NOV-05 our office will contact you at whatever phone number(s) you designate as your point(s) of contact.

. . . Unfortunately it doesn't say anything else about it??

We are supposed to ship out my truck next week sometime. . I imagine later in the week and the port master said that it would take about 35 days once they were on the ship to get to Hawaii from there. . which is good news. . considering I have been told that it could take anywhere between two - six months!! ICK!! I just want to finally have everything done so I can sit back and relax the last part of the time I have here. .

Mimic's paper work is in the mail and on its way to the Quarantine office in Honolulu so when we go and get his health certificate on the 17th he'll be all done but the actual flight. I am so happy about that. .

I went in last night and got my tattoo touched up. . thank god the girl who did it has gotten quicker at the work cause my back was so sore even before she started working on it. . and it caught fire when she started!! Yikes!! But it was done and over with in about 20 minutes considering all she had to do was touch up the heart. . so now that part is bright red (blood red) and the rest looks all antique?! I wish I could talk J into letting me get one more from her before we leave to go to the island cause she does such awesome work with shading. . grrr. . .

Other than that. . nothing new on this front!! But I'll keep ya up -to -date!!

Umm.. Well is he or isn't he?

Well interesting news came out last night as J and I were going to bed. . he decided to tell me that "Friend" is reconsidering going to Hawaii because of the contract being changed to the companies favor (which totally cracks me up). One of the biggest reasons for the change in attitude is that it went from what they thought of as close to 90k take home per year to in the neighborhood of 60k before taxes!! I don't think that would cover most of the expenses that he would incur in just living there much less getting to go run around all over the island. The other thing is his GF. . she has to stay in school full time or work for so many years in MD otherwise they'll be looking at paying a helva lotta money back to MD!! I hope that he doesn't go!! I mean it isn't that I am any longer that hateful toward him cause I have worked so hard at accepting so much crap that has happened in the past with this guy, but it would just make things so much easier on me without the constant worry of what if's. . . I know I couldn't deal with another attack from this guy and I really wonder at how well the marriage would withstand it. . . AND to think. . This is supposed to be a FRIEND!!

Anyways. . that is the new news . .

Echo in the House!!

Well. . Friday the house was emptied!! I got home Thursday night to a lotta boxes stacked in all the rooms and barely enough room to squeeze between them in some areas. It wasn't too bad though. . just odd! Then Friday when I got home, I was in a bad mood and in a hurry to leave for NC, so it was just notice it and go. . no time to really take in the fact that there was NOTHING in the house.
So we got to NC (MIL's House) finally about 1am Saturday morning cause it took so long for me to get outta work Friday. We got rained on a bit on the way down but it didn't get too many things actually wet. . just the light fixture on the snake cage and it dried out quick enough that no damage occured!? But all in all it was a nice visit. . I really wish I would have gone to the mall there but I know if I had I would have ended up buying more clothes and I really don't have the room for it now that we are practically living outta a suitcase!! LOL
Anyways. . Mom and I went looking for pet shops in the area that had all the supplies for a Chinchilla and a Boa. . Bath Sand, Bedding, Food, etc . . and finally found where she could get it all in a one stop shop. . although some of the other pet shops had a better variety for the chinchilla than the one we ended up getting everything from it was still a decent little shop!! Then we got back to the house and I had to teach her how to handle Chi-Chi and how often to change out the bedding, how often and how much bath sand she needs . . so on so forth. . and then the snake had to be handled and feed and that was comical!! Mom doesn't like that damned snake. . so we might have issues between that and the fact that Mom's BF is entirely too enamored by the snake only when drunk!! Huh O!! That could be very very bad!! Hopefully he is smart enough to not try and pick her up when he is like that. . she'll strike at him! But we ended up just chilling after the shopping outting for the pets and then prepared to leave sunday morning. . But when I did get home and got everything unloaded from the truck and into the house I realized just how empty it was. . THERE IS NOTHING IN THE HOUSE!! LOL I just flopped down on the floor in the den and just sat there. . Thank God my next door neighbors are so awesome. . they brought over a TV while we were gone and hooked it up so we'd have access to some form of entertainment for the next couple of weeks!! I got to watch Charmed because of it!! I think we would have gone mad if they hadn't done that!!
I woke up with a major back pain this morning though. . so did J. . I think sleeping on the floor will be more welcome than the air matress tonight!!

We have it!!

"Your reservations are now confirmed as shown below. I will forward youanother message when the tickets have been processed to the airport-normally around 7-10 days prior to your departure date."

This message was recieved from our travel office on Tuesday the 13th of September!! We finally have our flight itinerary!! YEAH!!

Wed, Oct 26: UNITED AIRLINES, UA 0301
From: WASHINGTON DULLES, DC (IAD) map
Departs: 8:40am
To: DENVER, CO (DEN) map
Arrives: 10:27am
Aircraft: BOEING 777 JET
Mileage: 1473
Flight Time: 3 hours and 47 minutes

Verify flight times prior to departure
Wed, Oct 26: UNITED AIRLINES, UA 0043
From: DENVER, CO (DEN) map
Departs: 11:40am
To: HONOLULU, HI (HNL) map
Arrives: 2:59pm
Aircraft: BOEING 767 JET
Mileage: 3349
Flight Time: 7 hours and 19 minutes

So that is what we have now. . !!

SO FREAKING BUSY!!

Okay well first of all . . I am so freaking busy!! Secondly. . it is all my replacements fault!! Lastly. . I am so ready for Oct to get here already!!

Well okay that was definitely a rant . . short rant but a rant none the less!!

I just don't understand what is going on lately. . . it went from me being outta the office once a week all day and a few little hour trips outta the office on off days to being outta the office almost all day everyday but like one. . plus going in earlier than normal and staying just as late if not later in most cases. . and having no damned time for lunch inbetween!! Grr. . what is up with that!! I mean I understand that the new clients are a big deal . . whatever. . but I wasn't even supposed to be involved and now I am acting as the security blanket for the guy that is replacing me which means I go with him wherever he goes and I sit around looking stupid as I am telling the customers that they have to go talk to him to get problems resolved from now on!! Hello. . why can't I just do my job instead of handing everything off to him. . ? I mean I understand. . but adding a printer or fixing a connection to the server are all little things that just make me have to be here longer that I wish to be!! Oh well. . just a couple more weeks of this crap and I'll be gone!!
Speaking of being gone. . the movers are coming today to check and see how long it'll take to box everything up in the house next week and how many boxes it'll take. . so that means that at the end of next week there will be nothing in the house but stuff to wear, the dog and his stuff and a blow up mattress. . that'll be about it. . well of course food too since they won't be taking the fridge and oven. . but still. .that is going to be wierd!! And then J is trying to plan for us to stay with Sgt. L once his leave starts so we can go ahead and sign on the house, deposit the check and clear everything else that needs doing. . like selling his truck and shipping mine!!
Damn so much to do! So little time it seems. . and nothing can be planned until the army says "ok this is when you are actually getting on a plane." GRRR
Could be worse??

Anyway so that is how this is going to go for this week. . Babysit Ryan at all of our customer locations. . hopefully have internet access while at these locations cause I'll go insane if I don't!! Then I'll go home and work on getting things finished for when the movers come and get all the paperwork together for Mimic's paper packet to be shipped!! WOW!!

It is creeping up on me. . .!!

Well now we have a date set for when the movers are supposed to be coming out to the house to pick up the unaccompanied baggage on the 22nd of this month and the next day getting the HHG baggage!?! We'll be living in a house that has no damned furniture. . for a month!!
But I guess that this is the better of the two options in truth. . I mean we could be without it all once we get to Hawaii. . or we can be without it here. . and at least here we know people who can help us out if we need it!?
So we are just waiting till the rest of the Travel information gets put in and we get a flight schedule and a harbor time to put my truck on the ship!?

Aside from that. . the only other real news - aside from I am getting more and more ready to tell the people I work with to go F-Off. . is that J is telling me that he is going to quit smoking the day we get to the airport to go to Hawaii!! Yeah!!
Okay back to work- Ryan is doing so good so far so maybe I won't have to deal with much any of this crap from now on! YEAH!!

J maxed his board!!!

I am so so SO Excited!! He is the first of his unit to have ever maxed a board and what makes it even better. . the two guys he trained maxed theirs as well!! WOW. . major time to celebrate!!

150 outta 150 points. . so that should now qualify him to have about 766 or 768. . I can't remember how many points he had prior and so now all he has to do is max his points at the gun range and for PT test and add the 20 or so points that will afford him and it would only be a waiting game for him to be promoted!! I am so FREAKING EXCITED AND THRILLED!! SO COOL!!

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!!

Time's so close!!

Well this weekend was interesting!!
J was off to hang out with his dad and grandparents and I met up with Jess who is a girl I met off of the forum HMW that I am always on. . and she was such a blast. We went shopping in Lexington, PA which was a half-way point for us to meet at and actually have something to do which was very cool!! I also learned something kinda interesting. . she is something of a Wiccan like me and we also seem to have very much the same taste in clothing and shoes. Anyways we had a good time shopping and all. . nice lunch too although it wasn't because of the place or the food. . just the company!!
After I left I got caught in a pretty good rain storm that lasted till I got home . . but ended when I pulled into the driveway of the next door neighbors to pick up the paperwork and deposit check for the house!! THANK GOD!! I would have been upset to get that stuff wet!! I wish I would have gone to sleep when I got to the house but I didn't, I stayed up watching The Aviator - which I gotta say was a little off the deep end for me. . but that made for the second movie I saw this weekend that was more of a documentary than a movie!! ICK!! The other was Alexander but it at least had a nice scene with Colin Ferrall's goods showing from behind!! Woo Hooo!!

Sunday was OMG Crazy!! First we had a horse that started colicing and the stupid owner kept getting on to me saying that there was nothing wrong with him and to get to tacking up the other horses until it laid down and wasn't going to get up . . that was when he decided to actually listen for a change. So Pissed me off!! Then Mischief. . my fave horse. . threw a shoe and two of the more dependable horses fought with each other on the trail. I was so glad that it was a short day for rides! It was a hard day at the ranch!!
When I got home I had about 2 hours till J got home from his dad's, which I had to find out by calling him at his dad's. . and that is a whole other story cause I swear I really dislike that man. . he is rude and callous and very very very vulgar!! But like I said. . another story!! Chicken pasta was on the menu for dinner so I took out chicken and started it thawing and then sat on the couch only to pass out for about 30 minutes. . and then I was rushing around trying to get things in order. . ick!!

Today hasn't been horrible . . went to DC just to introduce Ryan (my replacement at the office) around at the hotels and then sat around once we got back to the office waiting on the phone to ring which btw it hasn't done so . . LOL. . ALL DAY!!
Mimic gave me a good laugh this morning though. . little chunk didn't get outta bed this morning . . he decided that he wanted to sleep in so he stayed under the sheet in the bed untill I went in and got him and took him outside but as soon as he came back in. . it was right back to the bed and under the sheets. . I had to drag him out!! Little shit. . .

Well that is about the extent of it. . at least for now. .
Ooo. . well that and . . .

LESS THAN 2 MONTHS LEFT TILL HAWAII!!!

Thoughts. .

Well this weekend is going to be a blah weeked unless a girl from the board ends up deciding to try and hang out with me in an inbetween city!? J's going to go to his dad's for the weekend and I am going to be stuck here doing nothing. . ick!! Oh well. . it'll give me time to try and catch up with everything that I know I need to, like cleaning and getting started on the packing and such, so it won't be such a chore when we start getting ready to actually move. . but it is scary!?
So my thoughts. . well I have so many going round in my head I don't even know where to begin. . first I am getting aggrivated at getting barebones information that just barely trickles in and then nothing for weeks. . only to go back to the barebones shit!! Then anytime I ask about something I get told I am getting ahead of things. . grrr. .
So I am trying to plan outtings and moving animals and planning vet visits and a million other things around the move and without certain info I can't do any of that!! But we also can't really be definite about actual flights until my sister gets on the horn and finds out if she is going to buy J's truck!! But even still that is just the tip of the iceburg. . but if she does and we can swing the whole flying outta Texas at the military's expense then we can just drop off chi'chi and the stupid snake to my MIL on the way to Texas to drop off the truck to my sister!? Umm.. so much depends on that!! So un-freaking-real!!

Crazy Weekend

Well . . . We sold the house . . kinda . . Basically we came to an agreement about how much we would get for the house and how much the neighbors would be willing to put into getting it. . such as legal fees and so on, but we won't actually sell the house until a few days before we leave so it is cool!? But that was one of the good things of the weekend. .
Another was that one of my horses back home in Texas . . a little appaloosa filly won a cutting horse competition this weekend against two world champions! How cool is that??
Another good thing of the weekend was the wonderful job that I have on the weekends working for E. M. Trails and getting to play with the horses all day and work with people on riding!!
The last good thing. . DH told me that he thinks we are getting back to being completely happily married!! Long story there. . .

Other than those things happening. . weekend was insane!!

Friday evening started out ok. . dinner and went and played pool but DH decided to get all kinda pissy with me cause I can't stand when he "coaches" me on how I play pool. Sorry but I don't care much about the game. . I don't really wanna get that much better than I am now. . and I don't care how much you want me to get better. . I do what I wanna do and that is that!! We got over it ok but it was painfully hard at points. . Good thing he told me how much better things were getting!!
Saturday started late since we both slept in. . and so I got up cooked a late breakfast and he started studing for his board. About a hour goes by and he gets a call from MIL saying something to the effect of the kids (Josh and Jamie) are still living in a hotel and things just don't seem right, which started a whole lotta shit going on. . from phone calls to no contact. . to getting hung up on more than I care to count!! What is wrong with these people that go from living in a nice home to deciding to seperate and selling the home. . to getting back together and living in a hotel that isn't in the school district for the kids and have no plans of buying another house!? Nevermind the bruises that magically appear with no explaination and no health coverage for the kids. . and that's just the tip of the iceburg!! Anyways. . this whole thing got started and I decided it was the best time in the world to get outta the house and go do some shopping. . . which I might add I did have a good amount of time doing so and found some killer prices!! Then I got back to the house to find out that the situation had gone from bad to worse while I was gone so I made myself scarce cleaning the bedroom and putting up clothes, then cooked dinner!!
Sunday I was gone before DH woke up since I had to be at work at 8am at the ranch and he needed his sleep. . but I came back home to deal with the same crap that I had left off dealing with the night before! I just really don't understand those people!!

Levels of Hell!!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's" Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Mimic Went Fishing!!

Well we decided to go fishing Saturday afternoon to kinda make up for the night Friday. . which was fun. . AND I TOOK PICTURES~

Mimic decided he didn't wanna be left behind so he went along which was cool cause he is always fun to have with us!!

Anyways. . we went to the river (Potomac) which is about 5 miles down the road from our house and J fished while me and Mimic went out to the island in the middle of the river. Mimic loves it out there cause he gets to play in the water and run all over the place. So I let him off the leash since he won't try and go into anything too swift unless I am right next to him and I sat down to read a book and chill out. About 20 minutes goes by and I notice that there is a little boy, that has been playing in the water about 6 ft away from where I let Mimic run around at, throwing rocks in the water and Mimic is attacking the water as it splashed up in his face. It was so cute that I had to get out my camera and take pictures. . of course I also had to get my dog on a leash until I could make sure that both the kid and the dog were going to be fine around each other. . .



Then finally the little boys dad showed up and they left.

After that I let Mimic off the leash again and he started hunting for the fish that he is forever in a day hunting for in that river. . although some days he actually finds them!!

Friday Night Fights!!

Friday night we went out to a little hole in the wall place called Lucas McCains (stupid little country/rock/alternative mix bar/dancehall) to hang out with a friend of both mine and J's. We get there and a guy, that J used to party with a lot and kinda calls this guy "friend", (or did until friday night) walks in and is BSing with J till I walk over and then he doesn't come anywhere near us again until we got ready to leave. Well that time of the night comes and we get ready to leave. We are standing out in the parking lot chatting to our friends before heading home and out walks this guy. . staggering drunk. Apparently he got kicked outta the bar. . haha . . Then walks over to a car on the off side of the row from us and pisses on the vehicle only to have a cop walk over and talk to him. Cop didn't do anything but gripe at him, but J walked over to try and see if the guy needed a ride home?! Not a big deal but ya know. .
Anyways this guy totally blows off J's offer and comes over closer to the group and starts to spout all kinda crap about how bad cops are and how worthless they are and how much a joke they are . . so on so on . . gets kinda annoying and about that time he pops off about how he realized most of the comments might offend someone "aka me" and then walks off only to stand in front of this bar and cuss the cop . . I figured now, if any, was a good time to leave so we decided to go eat a very early breakfast. . or very late dinner at Denny's. About 15 minutes after we got our table in walks this guy. . and immediately walks over to the table and starts up the same little story about the cop and everything else. . then does the unspeakable. .
TELLS J THAT HE IS JUST LIKE THE COPS!! The guy is in the army but hasn't ever been anywhere other than mainland stateside!! But wants to bow up to J like he has done something. . and then wants to bring up another guys name. . Dillon!! I almost strangled him right then!! I was so pissed!! The guy wants to tell J that he hasn't ever been anything but a POG, someone who hasn't been in any real danger and then wants to compare what J has done not to what this guy himself has done but to what another guy has done. . WHAT A PUTZ!! An ASS!!
Anyways. . so I had enough and told the guy "look I know you don't care much for me but have some respect and leave us be for the night." I swear they guy looked like he was going to come across the table at me and kill me. . but the manager came over and had him sit down!! But within a few more minutes he is motioning to J to come over to his table. . not to apologize. . but to make him belittled all the more!! J came back to the table fuming and almost in tears from having his pride so shredded and dealing with it to keep from having a fight!
WORST DAMN NIGHT IN A LONG TIME!! I swear I had the hardest time keeping from going after this guy and just killing him . . I don't get these guys and what they have against me or J to wound us both so badly!!

So I Was Looking At My Ticker. .

And realized that I really and truly only have 2 months before we are on the move. .

Reason for me saying that. .
DH has decided that the last two weeks we are here he is going to take off and be available for movers and also so that we can either go ahead and ship my truck or sell his. . since he won't have to go into work but that'll leave him stranded durning the day pretty much which I think will kinda annoy him since he'll be bored!!And I think we are actually going to try to get outta here . . depending on flights, shipping HHG and outprocessing. . the 22nd or 23rd of Oct so that we can have plenty of time to do whatever it is we are going to do. . and the week before I am planning on either taking off the entire week or at the very least just work half days till we leave. . although J's going to go thru the roof if I am not bringing in money during that time!! So annoying..

But here's a good thing. . I have a couple of people who I think I will be very good friends with once I get on the island since I have such a good start on it now that are trying to help me figure out the job market over there and hopefully get me a position already started on by the time I get there. . . and if not. . I also have a site to go to. . http://www.jobsearch.org/seeker/jobsearch

Well. . I have too much going on!!

I was doing so good about keeping up on this till I switch to Livejournal.com but I can't ever decide which I like better. . . . maybe I should just move all of my entries there to here and paste a link from there to here!! That would work well right??

I need to move all the old entries in here to one blog though . . I know that. . Maybe I'll do that tomorrow!!

Last night sucked!!

I got into a fight last night with J... and that upset me so bad!! And the stupid thing about it is it was over something we have gone over and over and over again and again.. Moving with the Military!! When J first decided that he was going to re-up we discussed all the options for his relistment offers from bonuses and choice of duty station and ended up fighting about how supposedly I would hate going anywhere but TX and he wanted to go to everywhere but TX . . but that wasn't the case. There were places I wanted to go to. . places I wanted to see but because I didn't feel safe enough in our marriage I kinda wanted to stay close to home in case. And I mean honestly I still feel that way in some respects but mostly just timid of trying to be stable in another country. The other states weren't so big of a deal. .some states I don't ever wanna live in. . and some I wouldn't mind and it seemed like the ones he wanted to be in where the ones I was hoping against hope that I would never in a million years end up in!! So all this stuff we went round and round about last night once again and I felt like complete shit afterward cause the way I feel just isn't a good enough answer for him. Grr
Anyways after that I just really didn't wanna talk to him at all. . just wanted to stay as far away from him as possible cause I am finally getting to where I feel like I am comfortable in my thoughts on going to Hawaii. . and now . . now I am kinda wondering if that is just false bravado!? I really hope that it all works out but still...
So now I am sitting in the office with a splitting headache wishing for the day to hurry up and end and I get to go home. . I accomplished a few good things today. . like fixing a clients DSL connection cause his stupid alarm system was intervening. . but that is about it - very slow day!!! ICK!!

Finally. . a Welcome Packet

Well we finally got our Welcome Packet from Hawaii. . it has a lotta useless information in it and a couple of maps. . I have already found out everything on the internet that it told me pretty much. . grrr But at least we have it and it makes it seem like the move is real now?!?
J will be home tomorrow supposedly. . from the Jamboree. . I hope!! I miss him!!

Pictures and big fish stories!!

Well... We got the trot line ready to go Thurs night... and this morning they bring in a couple of decent sized yellow cats. http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y248/txtrouble/Hunt-Fish/IMG_0054.jpg
I also went and rode the good horses again today! Poco is a 3 year old app filly who will be going in Oct to the Appaloosa Cutting Horse Futurity and she is amazing to ride as far as training goes. . she stops on a dime when she feels any pressure at all on the reins and will turn with just foot pressure alone. My only gripe with her is she is so hard to get into a quicker pace other than a walk and when you do get her going in a trot or a lope it is ruff!! But then you have 'lectric Nic... Nic is awesome. He is a 2 year old out of the "Smart Little Lena" line and man can he move! He just stretches out just a little and it is smooth as silk... and will do anything you ask of him as long as he understands what it is you are asking of him... I mean after all he is only a baby still!!
Then... we are going to have a b-day surprise party for my grandma who turned 97 today!! Man if I am still doing as good as her on my 70th birthday I'll be happy... she still cooks for herself, cleans her house with a little help from a housing service and my mom, and runs around the yard picking up pecans and gardening!! WOW... Okay so she isn't exactly a spring chicken as the phrase goes but she is still in good health as far as that goes and still decently able to take care of herself with limited assistance!
Well I gotta jet... Party people shoulld be getting here soon (aunts and uncles) and my mom is needing some help in the kitchen getting stuff ready to go!

Hiya. . Texas Style!!

Well. . I finally made it back to Texas!!
God does it feel good to be back home!!
We went to NC and visited with my MIL for the weekend and ended up going to the beach (Emerald Isle) Saturday and staying till Sunday morning. . . the beach was fun. . but dealing with MIL's BF was a pain in my ass. That man is so annoying. . I mean he makes MIL happy most of the time but I just don't understand how she deals with him the other 80% of the time!! Anyways. . DH, MIL's BF and younger BIL all stayed out at the pier and fished for Spade and Spot Fish and ended up not catching a whole lot till about 1am. . oh and DH caught a shark!! LOL They had brought up several little sharks (maybe a foot in length total) off and on all day but around dusk some guy ended up snaggin a 4 ft beast of one and it whacked some old ladies leg on the pier that couldn't get out of the way quick enough. All the guys ended up staying out on the pier till early morning so they were complete asses when they came back to the room. . and I almost killed the BF and DH . . I can't stand when DH is tired or drunk and to combine the two along with the attitude from the drunk BF . . it was almost too much to deal with!! But we got home ok and left Monday morning fairly early so I didn't have to deal with it a whole lot to be honest since my niece and SIL went walking along the beach or shopping almost the entire day saturday and late into the night saturday night. . . but damn. . just that little bit at 10am the next morning ruined it all!!
Texas. . Texas has been great since I got in. . . We had steak for dinner with salad and big huge baked potatoes!! Lovely!! Then Tuesday I got to go ride the good horses. . (I'll post pictures when I can get copies of them) and just enjoy the day. Yesterday we were going to go put out a trot line and do a little catfishing but it started thundering and we got stuck down on the river bed trail. . . that sucked but it was funny too cause DH is so not a county boy even if he puts on a good face about it sometimes. When we finally got back to the house it was too wet to do anything really and soon DH was gripping about how bored he was so I offered to get dressed and we could go to dinner and go out to the club.. it didn't happen in the end cause DH is a total ass but ya know?! Anyways. .the plans for today are to finally get that trot line put in and go bait it up this afternoon, only to go back out in the morning and see if we have a nice 15lbs or more on the line!! DH calls this style of fishing cheating. . oh well!!? Anyways. .that is about it for today. . I'll probably be headed back to MD Saturday or Sunday!? GREAT!

4th of July weekend. . .fun and not so fun?!

So this weekend started out ok.. We went to DC and had a good time going to all the museums on Saturday, till DH started bitching about how he didn't wanna walk anymore and how everything hurt and crap like that. . he was being a pansy about it!? And then his attitude went from him to Makeesha and that was just poor crap . . so we left DC. We had a catfish fry and BBQ out at the ranch at 6:30 that we went to when we got back from DC. . . that was fun!! Shot off fireworks, had really good food. . and got to see my lovely horses I work with out there! They hated the fireworks!!
Sunday I was back out at the ranch to work but we had this one guy bring his GF out to propose to her. . that was cool!! Other than that Sunday was boring!? LOL
Monday. . Monday was interesting all around?! We decided sunday night that we would go tubing down the potomac monday morning. . but monday morning turned into noon before we even headed out. Grrr. .Men are so pains in the ass!! Anyways. . the river was nice. . had a few nice rapids and a few waterfalls that we went over and before you knew it 3 hours had past and we were all burnt somehow/somewhere!? LOL But it was fun. . then we get home and the fun ended at least for me cause DH decided to harp on me about how I cover up and seem like I am so embarrassed about my looks and if I am so embarrassed that I shouldn't be wearing little skimpy swim suits!? WTF?! I am a little over weight but damn. . it isn't the end of the world. . I mean I could stand to lose about 15 lbs and trim up some but I am still in the medically defined as well as military defined weight specifications for my height and build!! HE isn't though!! Grrr. . although he is only over by 5lbs. . but still. . how can he get off saying that kinda crap to me? I like to cover up if I am not swimming in the water!! And his biggest thing was that I have stretch marks on the inner part of my thigh!! Geezzz. . what does he expect. . a damned super model!! Anyways. . that was the ruin of my Monday. . and yes if you can't tell I am still pissed off about it!!
Anyways. . that passed cause I decided I didn't want it to ruin the rest of the day for my niece so I got over it quickly and we went and shot off fireworks but . . I am still completely hurt by his comments!! I guess I'll get over it before long but that is how I feel right now. .
Guess that is it for this entry!