The other type of "two week wait"

Recently I found this on another blog...

For those of us who have experienced recurrent pregnancy loss, the "two week wait" doesn't end when we get the positive pregnancy test. In fact, that's just the beginning of the very worst kind of wait - waiting to miscarry ...or to make it through the first trimester.

It's an agonizing experience. You can't allow yourself to become too invested or hopeful, but it's hard to remain completely detached. You don't get to really enjoy being a pregnant woman, but you have to observe all of the restrictive rules of pregnancy (no caffeine, alcohol, etc).

It's hard.

I'm struggling, so I constantly hunt for something to soothe my brain and my heart... I am back and forth, some days I'm okay and function normally... some days I scour the internet for someone to talk to or someone's account of their struggles to read...

I try to open up occasionally, but usually I only get a little way into it before it becomes painful and I just want to find something else to talk about... I can't seem to break through that barrier... Then I read the above and I realize what it is that I'm struggling against, not that I didn't already know kinda, but I feel like maybe I understand it better?? I know what it feels like to see an image on the screen that appears to be healthy, but it's not... I know what it feels like to see nothing on the screen and then face possibly the most painful "period" cramp EVER (stupid doctor)... but I still find myself oddly attracted to knowing and watching those around me who are preg, seeing what they are going through... and I still look into the mirror and wonder what my "bump" would look like now... two week wait, yeah, more like 9 months or sometimes a lifetime!