Thursday, March 22, 2012

Numerology Compatibility

 This is actually so fitting for me and my husband... crazy!!!

 

Compatibility for:

11: Stephenie Ann Lindsey

4: Jonathan David Raymond

A combo of Lifepath Numbers 11 and 4 is a powerful one. While a 11 is generally sensitive and intuitive, the 4 is grounded and practical. This combination of extremes means relationship balance: the 11 and the 4 are not just complemented, but strengthened, by each other. That makes this one of the best number combinations. The two were probably drawn together to fill what each thought was missing in their lives, and mutually admire each other. But the 11 and 4 need to watch out for misunderstanding -- 11 can be annoyed when 4's practical view of life overshadows romance. 4 doesn't always understand 11's emotional consciousness. But when all is said and done - and this is the key to any healthy, stable and enjoyable relationship - this occasional lack of understanding becomes a minor issue in an otherwise perfect balance of human qualities. The differences will bring balance to the relationship, instead of destroying it.

Numerology Report

Birth Name: Stephenie Ann Lindsey

Date of Birth: April 15, 1981


The best place to start is with one of the most basic calculations ... your "life path" -- based on your birth date of April 15, 1981 -- is 11.

How Is Your Life Path Calculated ?
This is calculated in four steps:
Add up the digits in your year of birth.
Your year of birth is 1981. Adding 1 + 9 + 8 + 1 gives us 19. Adding 1 + 9 gives us 10. Adding 1 + 0 gives us 1
 Add up the digits in your day of birth (if more than one digit).
Your day of birth is the 15th. Adding 1 + 5 gives us 6
 Add up the digits in your month of birth (if more than one digit)
Your month of birth is April, which is the 4th month. As 4 is a single digit, there's nothing to add here.
 Add up the answers from (1), (2), and (3) above.
The totals, then, are 4, 6, and 1. To get our final answer, we add these three numbers together to give us 11: Note that we do not add the two digits 11 because 11 is known as a Master Number

What Does Your ‘11’ Life Path Say About You, Stephenie?
You are probably a fairly well educated person who is still looking for answers when it comes to spirituality. One of the character traits of a number 11 is to look far and wide for lofty spiritual answers when often the answer is right underneath your nose....

Stephenie, your Life Path of 11 ...
You are what is known as a master number. The number 11 is the symbol of the spiritual seeker. Your purpose in this life time is to achieve enlightenment. Sometimes this is done by finding a teacher and other times it is a matter of experiencing an number of negative situations that are designed to rid you of toxic emotional connections and clear your karma. If you are a number eleven and seem to be having a rough time then keep in mind that is typical of your number to experience a life filled with mysterious losses and either very fortunate or unfortunate twists of fate.
Stephenie, part of your trying experiences is the cosmos' way of pushing you into finding the spiritual awareness that you need to elevate your soul. The number 11 path is often called the Path of Extremist simply because you lead a life filled with so many highs and lows. You are often like two people. One life is your public life in which you might appear as an eccentric or unusual character and the other is your secret life, which is obsessed with finding the answers to eternal questions.
You are probably a fairly well educated person who is still looking for answers when it comes to spirituality. One of the character traits of a number 11 is to look far and wide for lofty spiritual answers when often the answer is right underneath your nose. As number 11's can be quite snobbish or proud of their status as a spiritual seeker the universe often presents them with many lessons that serve to challenge their pride.
You probably don't fit into society very well and have to do a lot of pretending and acting to survive in a normal job or relationship. You have unusual tastes and may have a bohemian character that is very interested in the new and avant-garde. Your broad-minded point of view and permissiveness with morals makes you lots of enemies and friends alike.
If there is one thing that your friends find frustrating about you it is that you are a bit of a fence sitter. Your ability to see so many angles of a situation often causes you to be indecisive or not to act at all. For this reason many 11's often let opportunities in life pass them by. They are so focused on being visionaries that they forget to pay attention to small practical details.
Your sharp intuition and rich understanding of both spirituality and human nature makes you the perfect spiritual counselor. Even if this is not your profession you have probably noticed that others naturally seek out your guidance and advice during a crisis.
You are a very idealistic individual and envision a world in which everyone is equal. For this reason you somewhat dislike the idea of relationships as they mean that one human should be more exclusive to you than another. One of your highest spiritual qualities is to make everyone that you meet feel like they are special and a soul mate.
If you are an 11, it is also typical for the needs of your personality to be in constant conflict with the direction of your higher self. You have probably noticed that you get away with a lot less than other numbers. For instance if you do a bad deed, the resulting bad karma seems more immediate. This is because your path is a path of retribution that is about the negation of the self to allow the higher self to be divinely inspired by a higher power.

Your Expression Number
Your Expression - which describes your potential natural talents and abilities - works out to be a 11.  

How Is Your Expression Calculated?
What we are going to do now is turn all the letters in your name at birth into numbers, using the following chart : 

In practice I put the vowels above the name and the consonants underneath. This is because your Soul Urge is derived from the vowels alone, so it makes it easier at the next step to do it this way.
Again there is one exception to the rule and this is with the letter ‘Y’. If it acts as a consonant and is pronounced it is classed as being a consonant. If it is not pronounced or acts as a vowel it is classed as being a vowel. The ‘Y’ in Yolande, for instance, would be classed as being a consonant, but the ‘Y’ in Larry would be classed as being a vowel as it acts as a vowel. 


Let’s work out your Expression number, Stephenie :
Using the above chart we would put a '1' below the 'S' in your first name. We would follow this with a 2 placed below the 't', then a 5 above the 'e', a 7 below the 'p', and so on...
We then carry on in the same manner with the rest of your name. When you are finished, you should end up with a chart like this:
Now we simply add up the numbers in each row.
The top row: 5 + 5 + 9 + 5 + 1 + 9 + 5 = 39
The bottom row: 1 + 2 + 7 + 8 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 3 + 5 + 4 + 1 + 7 = 53.
We now add the total of the top and bottom rows, which gives us 39+53=92. Adding 9 + 2 gives us 11
And so, Stephenie, your Expression is 11.

What a Number '11' Expression Says About You Stephenie

Given all of your talents, it is paramount that you use your powers for good. Your keen perception of others and analytical abilities often give you a natural edge over others when it comes to professional relationships....

Stephenie, your Expression of 11 ...
Your Potential Natural Talents and Abilities
You are a master number, which means that you are more concerned with ideals and ethics, rather than practical or materialistic issues. Your preoccupation with the divine can sometimes make you appear a bit bizarre or spacey to others. However as you are usually recognized as a genius from a very young age, your personal quirks are often forgiven.
Stephenie, your exceptional intelligence and ability to spend hours by yourself was probably noticed when you were a young child. As an adult your probably still spend a great deal of time alone in the world of your incredible imagination. Your verbal and written skills are excellent and you have a keen analytical mind. Your brilliance often allows you to achieve scholastic excellence. You have many of the aspects of the other numbers and could be a great teacher, inventor, scientist or artist. However many of you choose a more off beat path in life as it is learning about the odd or the exceptional that excites you the most.
Perhaps the greatest achievement for your number is in the mastery of some kind of spiritual practice occult science. You are incredibly intuitive and many of you practice some form of divination. You may experience mysterious connections to others as well as prophetic dreams. As you are so intelligent, sometimes your curiosity leads you down taboo or forbidden paths. As you were so smart as a child you may have been left out of normal social groups. This makes you more vulnerable than other numbers to joining a cult or being influenced by a religious leader.
Sometimes you are also a very defensive person as you bitterly resent those who don't understand you or can't keep up with you. Being left out of things can become a chronic pattern for you if you are not careful. Some elevens feel so powerless in social situations that they are tempted to use metaphysical means to gain power over others.
Given all of your talents, it is paramount that you use your powers for good. Your keen perception of others and analytical abilities often give you a natural edge over others when it comes to professional relationships. However in personal relationships, elevens often appear emotionally detached to loved ones who feel manipulated by them.
Many elevens are so eccentric that they can't hold down a job. In most of these cases however they seem to find someone to take care of them so they can pursue their mental and creative interests.
You have the potential to thrive in the business world but you probably prefer a more unconventional lifestyle that gives you the room to explore your various interests. Travel and history are two subjects that greatly interest you and you feel spiritually recharged when visiting a holy or mystical place in the world.
As you are so brilliant you can also appear as a bit too eccentric to others. This may express it self in your manner of dress or where you live. As you think in the long term the future of humanity is always on your mind so you are thrifty with your resources and probably active in some kind of charity or ecological organization.
You are capable of being a good parent but as you see relationships as a process, as opposed to a goal, you may opt to have several "soul mates" during your life. It is often an eleven who is the parent of several children by different spouses. However you are a good provider and excel at managing an extended family.

Now, Let's Examine Your Soul Urge
(also known as your "Heart's Desire")
Stephenie, your Soul Urge of 3 ...
 
What You Desire To Be, To Have, and To Do In Your Life
Your soul urge is about the cultivation and expression of your personality. Usually this energy manifests as a great achievement in the theatrical or artistic world. You shine at any kind of activity that involves public performance including acting, singing or politics. In fact, you love performing so much that you would do it for free. Exhibiting your talents is second nature for you although many of you also develop lucrative careers from doing so as well.

Stephenie, if your talents are not developed it seems that your unique soul urge may also manifest itself in lesser ways such as the development of a beautiful speaking voice, a distinctive way of dressing or a talent for being the perfect host or hostess. You don't necessarily care who or how many people you make an impact on. If an opportunity presents itself where you can be the center of attention than you will take advantage of it.
Perhaps your biggest asset is your rich imagination. This is your inner treasure chest from which you find the solutions to all of your problems and every body else's as well. You also have an incredible knack for story telling and mesmerizing others with your tales. You adore the innocence of children and nothing makes your heart happier than the sound of a child's laughter.
However your tendency towards non-stop chatter sometimes works against you as others perceive it as self-centered or a way of stealing focus. Also you are so clever with words that it may be hard for others to ever win an argument with you or even get a word in edgewise. As a result, you may often be left behind or not invited to engage in discussion at all.
You really don't handle rejection well and if you can't get the approval you crave you have a natural tendency to retreat into your own little world. Isolation is very unhealthy for you, as your imagination tends to distort situations and create paranoia and suspicion where it need not exist. Rather than sulk about a professional or relationship set back your best course of action is to pick yourself up and try again. If depression still persists then you need to throw a pail of cold water over your burning ego by going out and doing a deliberate act of charity or philanthropy for those who are less fortunate than you do. Only this will truly serve the higher calling of your soul and have you viewing the world through rose colored glasses again.
A great sense of humor is also one of your greatest assets and if you were a doctor you would heal by helping others to "laugh themselves well." You can't bear pessimistic people or persons that take life too seriously and will go to great lengths to lighten up sober types up. A drawback of this is that sometimes others perceive you as saying inappropriate things or not respecting the belief or wishes of another. One of your challenges in life is to recognize that there is a critic in every crowd.
However, no critic could ever be as hard on you as you are with yourself. As you are a perfectionist and a master of timing and delivery, you take it very hard if for some reason you miss an opportunity. This is because you set standards and expectations of yourself that are very high. It is hard for you to realize that your low are most other people's highs and that the best remedy for feelings of failure is to count your blessings.

Friday, March 16, 2012

The Vow...

Went to see "The Vow" last night with a friend and her daughter- it was a very good movie, very touching... really made you want to examine your own relationship to see if you stack up against theirs in a way.  Do you think that your relationship could withstand that type of situation?? To go through months of the unknown?? To end the relationship even though you want to fight for it just because it might be the best thing at the time?? To love someone still, even though you don't know if they'll ever remember you or your relationship?? It really puts things in perspective...
I have offered my own husband a free pass once because I thought it might eventually save our relationship from ruin, and for a time it did seem to help, however ultimately I think it made things worse because then it was something that he could bring back up as a form of evidence that I didn't love him the way he thought you should love your spouse.  Problem with his logic is that I honestly believe I love him more than he loves me.. I only offered that as a way to make him happy!? It took almost 3 years for him to understand the offer for what it was.. 3 years and several counseling sessions.. and I still wonder if he understands what it is to love someone so much that you'd be willing to break your own heart, to crush your own dreams, to pretend to be ok with a decision that you know will make them happy.. I pray to never find out that I'm right, that I do love him more than he loves me, I hope I'm wrong.. I pray that the trials we've already been burdened with have made us strong enough to survive anything else that could come our way..

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Wreck this Journal...

So I've been on this kick... it's called Wreck This Journal - take a journal, spiral notebook, etc and literally wreck it in random imaginative ways... the goal is to have something that is not pristine, not perfect, something so unlike everything else you strive for in life...

Some of the rules I've just recently found that I'm just waiting to try out are:

  1. Write something really, really important–all of your deepest, darkest thoughts–then take an x-acto knife to the page and carve out half of the words.
  2. Do a really ugly drawing. (use ugly subject matter.)
  3. Ask everyone you see during the course of a day to add anything to one page. This includes the counter clerk at the quick stop. See how full you can get the page.
  4. Make a rainbow from cheap red, blue and yellow hairgel and splash it everywhere. 
  5. open it up and snap it under your windshield wiper (if it’s small enough to not obstruct your vision!) and drive around on a summer night “catching bugs” 
  6. Write “Dear (insert your name),” with your opposite hand. Look at it. See what strikes you. Then, continuing to use your opposite hand, write a very short letter to yourself. But be kind. 
  7. Bite your journal. chew up a corner. or 4.
  8. Draw and write whatever you feel like in your journal whilst very very angry/sad/annoyed
    then draw a pretty picture and paste it over the bad words :}
  9. With your morning “made up” face, take a page and wipe it all over your face! Allow time to dry- may want to spray it with a layer of hair spray to keep it from smearing, and, or disappearing,
    write, scribble, whatever- every negative thought or thing you say about your face. Then HAVE FUN CROSSNG THEM OUT,- PAINTING OVER THEM, -USE A HOLE PUNCHER AND PUNCH THEM OFF THE PAPER—-anything you can think of to get rid of them-do it!

Family.. it's a love/hate thing!

This weekend was spent having a relatively wonderful visit with some of my mom's side of the family that aren't exactly close in location, but close in heart... My Aunt and Uncle from Tennessee that I always loved getting to visit with during the summer, and a Uncle and cousin from New Mexico... It was a good visit for the most part and I enjoyed my time with them... I even got to meet my newest cousins - the newborns of the family, which were absolutely precious even if I did have a bit of an issue being around them since I should have had my own newborn to add to the mix?? Not going to dwell on that though... not right now anyways!! One of the newborn's daddy is amazing to watch (and not because he's one of my favorite cousins) - I love his honesty and integrity and now I love seeing him with his little girl since the look on his face is beyond words!!
However... with every family and specially with every family gathering (or so it seems in my family) you have DRAMA... and Drama starts with a D, which BTW is the same letter that starts my sisters name!! And I know I complain about her all the time, but when you have someone as selfish as she is it's really hard to not complain about their behavior (maybe the fact that I complain is selfish too). Some days it's honestly hard to care at all for any of the "bad" things that happen to her, hard to even believe half of the things that she says.. one minute she's got some form of cancer, the next she's been miraculously cured. Yes that is an extreme example but it's a fitting one.. everything in her life is either on top of the world or being crushed by it, there is no in-between and it's incredibly hard to deal with in the best of circumstances. Her most recent roller coaster focuses on the boy toy guy that she dumped her husband of (we'll say) 20 years for, who is only a few years older than her oldest daughter, then she married him and has been trying to fulfill his twisted desires since - sadly enough he's just as immature, childish, and self-centered as my sister but at least he has his age to blame to some degree. This newest husband walks in and out of her life once or twice a year every year at about the same time for the same reasons and still she plays out these games with him, hoping he'll come back and stay!! It's sickening to watch... I hope one day that she'll wake up and realize that how she acts doesn't just affect her, it affects her entire family!!!

Friday, March 02, 2012

Temper Temper... my Irish is showing...

Ok so all day today I've been in a relatively good mood, and my mood even got better when my husband told me that he talked to the Doc about sperm testing... then I get off work and talk to him - it's like the Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde... and I'm still hot under the collar!!! 
He wanted me to go by the store and pick up a few things - I do, no problem... then I ask what's for dinner and his answer "Food..." well no shit sherlock, and instantly my temper goes through the damned roof but I calmly ask what kinda food... apparently he thinks this is a game, unfortunately I'm not in a mood to play but he is so his reply is "The kind you eat..."  - I'm still not amused and I threaten to hang up... silence reins for a few minutes while I try desperately to check my temper, although it does no good cause I'm still pissed when I open my mouth to ask yet again what we're having and I get the same answer of 'Food'...
NEXT DAMNED TOPIC!!!
Somehow we get onto the topic of horses after discussing a few things about my convo with my dad... this is not a good topic either given that I desperately want him to be interested in my one real passion but that'll never happen, I'm just wasting wishes.  Anyway, he gets all lippy about how if I mess with any horse other than Dakota (the horse I bought with the intentions of J hopefully getting interested in horses and maybe riding with me) that he'll be pissed off and blah blah blah... silence ensues and again I'm looking for a change in topic, but I decide I'm close enough to my no cell signal zone and off the phone I go...
Get home - he keeps looking at me like he wants to say something but doesn't. He has dinner plans, steak and potatoes and pasta... holy jeez loads of carbs but hey he's cooking so whatever... I season steaks, help with pasta, and desperately try to hold onto my temper... although for the life of me I still haven't understood why I'm all of a sudden so volatile... we sit down on our couch like every night to eat, still he's casting these looks at me like he's got something on his mind!! Out the topic finally comes... apparently I'm spending too much time online and these "boxes" (what he calls laptops) need to be trashed?? Ok.. whatever!!! He's on his laptop as much if not more than I'm on mine plus he watching so much damned TV that he has most commercials memorized along with the Guide!! I cast glances at my screen while he's talking, not because I''m not paying attention to him, but because the last couple of weeks my focus hasn't been the greatest and every little thing catches my attention and ooops I'm not sure what I was doing 2 seconds ago...  He gets LIVID... PISSED... shuts my laptop, and rails at me for paying attention to it when he's talking to me. Meanwhile, he's casting glances at the TV every few minutes?? WTF?!??!  Break down in communication apparently is why we have so many other issues, granted that's probably true, but it's got a lot to do with his attitude about things!! He doesn't want me to walk out again, fine - I don't want that either, but if he'd just be understanding and not so damn belittling when he drinks there wouldn't be as much hostility and unwillingness to compromise on my part ... somehow the convo drifts to babies (WORSE TOPIC EVER)... now I feel horrible for feeling anything or even for wanting to get this testing over with... I almost wanted to tell him that I want to just forget about TTC, EVER - at this point I just want to forget about this horrible heartache called M/C, I wish I could act like him and see that Blighted Ovum as nothing - - instead I see McKaylee... I see the potential, and I remember the horrible pain of this latest M/C and the horrible images of when I M/C'd my little girl... I feel so freaking alone in this pain, this emptiness... worse than anything was that I can't cry in front of him, it makes me feel so weak - but he starts to cry about how I'm blaming him for this M/C... WHEN THE FUCK DID I DO THAT!!!! Oh wait, when I told him what my OB/GYN told me - when I was told that all the blood work and testing for me was normal, but he needed to get tested... in other words he assumed I was blaming him!!

Jonathan hunny, if I could\ remove all the guilt and regret that I have concerning each M/C and place it on your shoulders, that would be awesome - HEAVEN... If I could trade places mentally with you, I'd do it in a heartbeat to get away from this unending heartbreak... If I could make you feel even a 1/10th of what I feel when you say the shit that you said tonight, I'd... what... be that much lighter...

I'm sorry for anyone else that reads this - but I can't even begin to describe this situation in a good light, I love my husband with all of my heart and soul... I just wish that he could live in my head just one day when he goes off on his little tangents about how baby crazy I am and how I use M/C as a crutch/excuse for all of my actions... I have gone through 3 confirmed M/C's alone, I stressed for weeks before telling him because I don't want him to ever feel like I trapped him or forced a child on him, I've tried so hard to keep from pestering him about kids, lived through multiple excuses for waiting, and overall just tried to keep from letting him in on all the pain of suffering a M/C.  In his mind, we peed on a stick and some miracle happens that we're no longer normal... in his mind, until you see the developed fetus and hear the heartbeat it's not real...

Worse still - He wounded me with his comments, and I fired back... so now that ensuing silence that began on the phone is now in the house, I want to take back the mean sniping comments... but even now I know that I'd say the same things again, or worse just to dominate, just to wound him... just because he doesn't understand my pain, my hurt, my feelings of absolute loss... just because I endured another M/C alone to spare him!!  Now I wish the anger was still there, it's better than the sorrow... I'm getting a bottle of wine and going outside, maybe seeing God's wonder in the stars aided by the miracle of fermented grapes will help resolve this ache...