Family woes...

Let me start this out by saying that I love my family - blood or marriage, I love them because somehow they are family to me...

I have my parents, my sister, nieces and nephew (along with my oldest niece's two children), aunts and uncles aplenty, and so many cousins I don't know that I could even tell you who belongs to which side of the family sometimes... my grandparents unfortunately have passed away... but with that many people as my blood relations, there are bound to be a few bad seeds or causes of chaos...

Now... my husband's family is a mixed bag - I don't really know if his biological father's parents are still alive or not, how many siblings that man has or if they are alive, etc... J's mom, due mainly to my having always tried to maintain contact with her, I know a good deal more about her side of the family... but J's never been one for keeping really good contact with his family outside of his mom, dad and siblings born to his mom... siblings born do his dad are a different story. None-the-less.. I'm very supportive of J and any contact that he wants to keep with any of his family - biological, adoptive or otherwise... And because I love him, I love them - even if they are worthless pieces of trash for humanity (I've got my own worthless trash family too, so I can't say I wouldn't do for his family what I'd do for my own)! 

Where this gets tricky is me having to deal with all this family... so onto the Woes:

1st... my sister, I love her, I do - but she has always managed to make me totally insane with the way she acts sometimes.  Luckily, so far she has been very "happy" for me but usually follows that us with something of her own drama... usually that includes money or the kids or the latest guy in her life, and right now it's mostly money because she just doesn't have the money to be able to be here to support me when I need my sister. Love ya sis, but your support really isn't needed.

2nd... my mother-in-law... between her and my sister, sometimes I wonder who is worse about over dramatizing the negative! Right now MIL's favorite thing to be negative about is child birth, but a close second is her ability to freak out about the due date... love her, but the filter needs to be put in place and stay there cause I firmly believe that if the negativity continues then her place in the delivery room (if she's here for that part) is seriously going to be reconsidered.

3rd... J's dad (notice I don't refer to him as father-in-law, it's cause I don't like him)... wow, that pretty much sums this side up! I can't stand the man - he's rude, crude and inappropriate 24/7. But he's J's biological father, and of course for the last 15 years or so, the man that he actually considers "dad"... I kinda keep hoping that I could lump him in on the same category that I do my sister, that of not needing to be here for any of it - but that's not fair to J. He wants both of his parents to meet this child, so I'll do what I can to make sure that it happens - even if that includes offering to pay for the mans flight here. 

4th... and this is kinda minor in reality - but I'm kinda nervous about A: my parents not being here in time for the birth.. B: if they are, I'm kinda nervous about my list of "allowed" cause I'm really not going to want a crowd.. if my mom is here, she's on the list no ifs/ands/buts along with J and possibly a doula.. the rest will probably get kicked out of the room out of frustration or annoyance..


So anyways, that's my woes for the moment.. nothing crazy and over the top, just things that I'm pondering and kinda feeling a little tension over.. I'll probably continue to complain about all of this in some way, but it's good to get it out in what I see as a logical chain of thought!

Shower or No Shower..?

.. That is the question!

And no I don't mean the type that you take to get clean... I'm referring to the idea of a baby shower - several people have asked me if I'm going to have one, and my reply has been "I'm not planning one..."

Does that mean that I won't get one thrown for me, I'm not sure really... All of my friends here either just had a little one of their own or are preparing for a PCS/military move - I wouldn't expect them to throw one for me, nor do I want them too... My mom and aunts might want to throw one, but they are in Texas and the distance just isn't feasible really for something that I am not so sure I'd want to fly home for anyways.  I mean not that I wouldn't love to go home and be pampered by everyone, but baby showers aren't exactly my favorite thing... I don't exactly like the games, I don't like being the center of attention in that fashion (I don't like bridal showers or birthday parties either), and I definitely don't like a lot of people wanting to touch me... 

Anyways - what brought this up you might ask... well actually, I had a couple of people ask me when I was going to have one as I said but I got to really thinking about it - what is custom/etiquette for this? I've always thought it was rather shady of the expecting couple (same with throwing your own bridal shower) to throw their own, it comes across like they are begging for people to buy stuff for them... so of course I look it up and hosting your own baby shower is a big no-no in the etiquette side of things - so now why do people want to ask me if or when I'm going to have one?? I guess I'm just odd... 

However, I do have a baby registry (that was more of a "I will buy someday" wish list, but hey) and if anyone asks me for it, I will give that registry location to them... IDK, it's just a frustrating question... and frustrating that people feel I need to have one?? I think just about everything about this pregnancy besides the pregnancy has frustrated me to one degree or another and this is just one more thing to add to the list...


So let's see... Frustrating lists:
People telling me how painful labor will be
People dismissing the fact that I've had Miscarriages (well a couple out of the few that know)
People acting pissed off that I haven't had morning sickness or cravings
People telling me that it only gets worse
People in general talking about anything that has to do with me being pregnant...

Okay, yes I realize I'm unfair - people are just excited to share their experience and mine to some degree... but damn it, just let me enjoy it!!! Okay done ranting about stuff... at least for the moment...

Valentine Heartbeats

Yes it's that time of the year - every store has flowers by the pallet, an aisle dedicated to Red/Pink/White cards and candy, teddy bears and other assorted stuffed animals with hearts decorating them... It's Valentine's Day!

The husband did a good job of finding some of the above stuff while out shopping for dinner last night - Pizza was his dinner solution last night BTW... 1st - I was surprised by the cute little stuffed puppy waiting for me on the bathroom counter, I love stuffed animals!! Then after getting dressed and ready for work, I got surprise #2 of a small vase being hugged by a pink giraffe with a rose in the vase, a balloon tied to the bag that the rose/vase was in and a very sweet valentines day card (that made me cry)... Surprise #3 was waiting for me in my car, a heart shaped Jasmine plant was sitting in my back seat... 

The Jasmine plant is now making the house smell as sweet (overpowering but sweet) as my car did... LOL

Now... onto the next surprise - although this one didn't come from the husband, but from the little wiggle worm in my tummy... a good friend of mine allowed me to borrow her Doppler last night, it's a gadget so of course I couldn't wait to play with it even if I wasn't expecting anything more than white noise to come from it. So I get home, relax for a little while and then before going to bed I finally got around to popping it open to see what it would do - of course first thing it does is squawk at me and I put it right back up (I needed to find the aloe gel anyways), so finally find the gel and decide to brave the noise maker again - I find my heartbeat, hear the swoosh-swoosh sound and then very quickly I hear little ones heartbeat.. very fast, very faint and then it was gone.. I couldn't decide if I imagined it or not, so downstairs I go and let the hubby hear it too.. it's so cool hearing that little sound!! So we got a little surprise from the little one last night getting to hear the heartbeat at home, LOVE!!

Pregnancy Journal: Entry 1 (12wks)

Yes, yes - I know I've been noting a little about this already, but I kinda like the idea of making official entries to document some things.


Prelude to Pregnancy

When you were younger did you see yourself as ever becoming a parent? I've always seen myself as becoming a parent, I wanted to experience the joy and wonder that so often was seen on my father's face... I am curious if he knows how much he effected how I look at the world around me.

What kind of images came to mind when thinking about your future parent-self? Reading to the child at bedtime, playing sports and cheering from the sidelines, watching movies on rainy days - basically the same things I treasure most from time with my dad.

Did you / do you have any pets that you would consider as a fur-kid(s) or child-substitutes? Write about your relationship with each one.
This could be long, given the number of pets I've had growing up - but honestly the only pet I've ever had that I really considered a child-substitute is the Jack Russell I have now, Mimic. We got him the 1st Christmas after we got married and he's been my constant companion for just about everything... he's gone with me on walks, hikes, swims and on a surfboard once - he's been with me for just about every road trip, plane ride and he's been my joy when I've felt lonely or saddened by events in my life. He offers affection and comfort unconditionally, and I baby him often to the grief of my husband...
Kai, our Husky/Malamute mix, is also pampered to a large degree - but in my mind he is really just a dog that annoys me about half the time even if he is really sweet and really awesome with kids. He's always full of energy for just about anything outdoors, but he gets so hot that it's hard for me to take him as often as I take Mimic. Still I know that the loss of either of these animals would be hard on me emotionally.


Finding Out

How did you find out you were pregnant? Woke up feeling odd and having an odd drive to take a test, it was faint but defined enough to call for a blood test. I am not a big fan of home tests, but there you have it... I didn't dare believe it until the nurse confirmed it after the blood test.

How far along were you? Approx 4 weeks, it wasn't quiet 2 weeks after my last trigger shot from Infertility treatments so...

When are you due? Aug 20th or 21st, depends on who you ask - me or the doctor... LOL

Did you have any early warning signs, whether physical, emotional or spiritual, or was it a complete surprise? Other than just feeling odd that morning, not a single one - but it wasn't a complete surprise either since we were actively trying.

What was your initial reaction to the news? How did you feel? What thoughts went through your mind? Shock, disbelief, uncertainty, elation, overwhelming joy, terror... I was thrilled but scared that I was imagining the line and scared that it would end too soon... I was unsure of what step to take next...

How long did you wait to announce the news? I waited a few days to tell my husband trying to wait till Christmas but could tell that he at least subconsciously knew, told my parents shortly after, allowed the news to spread at 8wk ultrasound but still kept from being publicly announced until the 12wk ultrasound confirmed that everything was ok.

Who did you tell first? a friend of mine, then my husband... had to tell someone, but still wanted it to be a big deal announcing it to my husband and family.

What impact has the news had on your life? Has it changed any future plans? It's been a mixed bag, not really changing much of plans since we were trying and hoping for it to be soon - but it has been a little of a challenge to try and plan a few trips that were being discussed prior...



Thoughts on Parenting

What kind of parent do you think you'll make? I am not sure really, I'm scared of being one of those parents that end up raising a brat - ya know the one that everyone wonders why the parents don't stop the annoying behaviors of said child! I can't stand being around kids that have no manners or understand of basic behaviors... that said, I hope that I'm strict but fair and that I'm approachable. I don't want my child to think they can get away with running over the top of me, but I don't want them to be scared to come to me when they need help either.

Do you have any fears of becoming a parent? See above - mainly just raising the child that most people think are out of control brats... or having my child terrified of coming to me when they need me to help them.

Have you had any previous experience at parenting? In a way - I helped my sister when my older niece and nephew were very young and saw to their basic needs on a daily basis as well as assisting with chores and homework.  I also see some of the training work I've done with animals as a direct link with how you have to "train" children.. firm but gentle so that the child or animal knows the limits but isn't afraid. I'm sure that lots of people will take offense to that, but to me the connection is very similar.

What were your own parent's like? My biggest cheerleaders/supporters! There was very little that I did that my parents weren't there for in some fashion... my dad helped with homework and when he could with sports (unfortunately he was wounded in Vietnam and the wound to this day still hinders what he can do), my mom was always willing to do what it took to make sure I had what I needed to succeed with anything I attempted - even when it scared her to tears! Even now if I need them, they are there for me and I cherish that I know for certain that I never have to worry if they are waiting to catch me or offer a helping hand when it's needed!

Do you have a favorite memory of your mom? Road trips, teddy bears and lots of mother-attention the few times I was sick, and even though I hated it growing up... now I look at her nagging to improve/practice differently... I don't believe she knew how to encourage without bribes or threats, but I can see now that it was her trying to encourage me to be the best at everything. I remember her tears of joy when I was successful and her tears of sorrow when I was hurt or disappointed... even when she thought I didn't see them!

Do you have a favorite memory of your dad? Reading stories at bedtime, watching classic movies on rainy days curled up in his recliner, snuggled up on the couch when I didn't feel well, breakfast tacos before sports events, hanging out at the ranch helping him...

Is there a parenting trait of your mom or dad's that you really want to continue on with your own child? The ability to show my kids that I'm always there for them and that they know that I support them, am ready to cheer them on as well as comfort them when they fail. 

Is there a parenting trait of your mom or dad's that you really don't want to continue on with your own child? My parents weren't the greatest at communicating displeasure or sorrow with their own lives, and I remember a few times being unsure of if what little they did display was due to something I'd done or otherwise...  I also don't want to push my kids too far that they begin to resent something that they did enjoy... 
I also don't want my children to always see me as a bank... hopefully I can teach my kids to be more like I was, and unlike my sister still is... 


Your Pregnancy @ 12 wks

How does your pregnant body feel? Great most of the time, although starting to feel a little off balance.

What changes have you noticed? None really... other than feelings of uncertainty or lack of focus.

Have you had any morning sickness? No, not at all... just exhaustion and bloat

Are you experiencing any strange cravings? Or are there some foods you can't stand any more? No cravings, but yes to foods that I'm not fond of anymore - chicken and steak are the top two offenders for the most part.

Are you showing? Not really, although the bloat occasionally makes it look like it!

Have you had to buy any maternity clothing? No

How do you feel about your belly? Protective.

Have you felt baby move yet? No, although I think I've imagined feeling something a few times in the last week or so...

Have you seen baby on ultrasound? What details were you able to see? How did it feel to see the little being growing in your belly? We've seen baby on U/S twice - no real details other than heartbeat at 8wk appt and with the 12wk appt heartbeat along with lots of movement of arms/legs, but we could see the head and what appears to be the beginnings of facial features. At 8wks it was overwhelming sense of anxiety replaced with overwhelming joy to see the heartbeat and fetus, ended with me having a panic attack at work later. At 12wks the emotions weren't as strong, but still overwhelming joy at seeing such an active/strong little being that you could see was obviously human... the feeling of knowing that a new life is developing in my body is beyond explanation!

Have you found out the gender of you baby? What were your reasons for deciding to find out / not to find out? No we haven't found out, but I've decided to allow my husband to say yes or no to finding out in another few weeks.

Have you done any preparation at home for baby's arrival? No, I think we are both still waiting till we get a little further along - but I don't think it'll be too much longer before we start to do some small steps.

Will baby be in a separate nursery or sharing your room? I think in the beginning since I'm planning on nursing, the baby will share our room - but once he/she starts to sleep a little longer between feedings or I start working, then the nursery will be the primary room.

Birthdays... and other random-ness...

Today is my dad's birthday... One of the few people in this world that matter more to me (or at least as much) than the small life I'm carrying inside right now... He is my hero and he's always been my biggest cheerleader - I truly can't wait for him to meet my child and see the expression of happiness that I know will be on his face then!!!

It's also the birthday of one of my best friends, who's kinda like a sister to me in a way... Since we meet just over 5 years ago, she's been there when I needed her regardless of how she felt or what was going on with her own life - I miss her every day!!

Yes, I called and talked to both of them today - I wish I was there in person to celebrate somehow, but the chance to talk on the phone was the best I could do and I was thrilled with that small comfort... Maybe when I'm home next I'll just celebrate with them late! HAHA

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In other news.. apparently my tummy doesn't like something I ate at dinner last night so now I'm a little hesitant to try to eat at the Old Country Buffet again.. didn't even really get to eat much at all before I started feeling ill... SO NOT FUN! On the plus side of that, not feeling as bloated today... 

I've finally started sharing the blessed news a little more since the 12wk appt on Friday... so now it's been made public and all, I do feel a little more excited and a little less anxious - not that the anxiety has gone away entirely, maybe it's just refocused onto something new now... Whatever the case, I'm feeling definitely more positive!! Now if I could just get the husband to quit his complaining about he feels like I'm worrying about everything, when really all I'm doing is just discussing something that is on my mind... grrr... so I told him I'd just stop talking about anything - probably the wrong move but so frustrating!




OH - One last thing... this is the picture that I got while getting the pups to help me announce our new member of the family...

Kai looks so excited, Mimic on the other hand looks like he's just waiting for this photo op to be over with!

Joy to the World!

Based on a last menstrual period of November 13, 2013: 

Your due date is August 21, 2014.

Your baby was conceived around November 28, 2013.

Your first trimester begins November 14, 2013. 
Your second trimester begins February 07, 2014.
Your third trimester begins May 23, 2014.


Ok so above is what I say is the case - Doc only differs slightly on the Due Date by one day (Aug 20th) and everyone has a different opinion on when the trimesters begin and end...

However - all this is boring information that really doesn't matter much since the baby will come when it's ready or when the medical team says that it's medically necessary to evict the baby from my body... either way, the rest of that information is more or less just terms on a piece of paper, a way to measure time until this little miracle is born...

Anyways, today I had my 12 week appt - I'm beyond thrilled because not only did I get to hear this little ones heartbeat (briefly since apparently I've got a wiggle-worm growing in there that refused to stay still for the mic), but we also got to see how active he/she is as well as seeing the heartbeat just flickering away. Doc said that it was all very good, active baby and strong heartbeat - she said that we are well out of the "danger zone" and that everything is looking perfect!! So with that said... here is the video I was allowed to take of the scan:

I did good this time, no crying and no overwhelming emotions (thank god)... J cracked me up cause he was so uncomfortable being in the room while they did a full (female) exam, but he was up out of his chair and next to me the minute that little heartbeat could be heard - I don't know what he expected at that point but it was a very amusing look that he had on his face, goofy smile and confused expression... I asked him if he could recognize anything on it yet since last time he was so disheartened when the doc burst his bubble over thinking he knew was he was seeing - his answer to my inquiry, "It looks like a bat"... not that I blame his answer since little one was doing all kinda stretching and whatnot so the image was never really steady for long before Doc would have to chase after the little bug!

I'm just so excited and so happy... Now to decide how to go public - I'm ready to let the world in on my wonderful Joy!

12 weeks (almost) and counting!

This week I will enter into the 12th week of pregnancy (unless you are my husband and then it's going to be the 10th.. but nevermind him) and will have my 12 week appt on Friday, Feb 7th!

So far, I've been feeling really good other than slight food aversions and overwhelming exhaustion... but with both of those it's nothing I can't deal with, just slightly annoying at times. The exhaustion is only slightly worse most days than what I deal with at the end of a typical work day, except that it's ALL day... sometimes it's like this fog that I just can't shake, and other days it's more like I just didn't get enough sleep the night before. I have been combating the exhaustion with mid-day naps (yes, even at work) when I can. The food aversion hasn't as of yet ended in anything other than just a slightly more bloated or overly-full feeling, or just not appetizing to eat - unfortunately it's been with things that I actually like to eat, stuff like steak and chicken are two of the offenders at the moment... this doesn't make the hubby very happy since his fave thing to eat is usually BBQ chicken or Grilled steak... I've also been kinda tapering off of the stuff that is a no-no for a diabetic, not saying I still don't occasionally have a potato or some sour skittles but they aren't something that I eat every day or even every week usually. I've been doing this because to be honest, I'm really scared that at some point the doc is going to tell me that I have gestational diabetes and then my system will go into shell shock over diet changes and I'll never recover - man I made that sound so dramatic! LOL But it really is a concern, just not as dire of one as I paint!

I did have a major panic attack the day that we saw the heartbeat at the 8wk appt and continued to have minor anxiety in the afternoon over the following weeks - but it's been a few days since I've felt the anxiety levels start to rise so maybe that is over for a little while and hopefully it won't resurface with the next appt...