Okay how is it I work on all the traits that you seem to think are bad for our marriage and I open up and talk and I still get told. . sorry you aren't doing enough!!
I give up. . I have left all I knew behind to come here where I didn't know a damned soul aside from you and changed most of what I had as a personality. . I don't flirt, I scowl. . I say what I mean to say even if it bothers you instead of letting it build up and explode. . I don't bitch about Dillon as much . . I don't argue with you about what you are going to go do for fun. . nothing!!!
Nothing is good enough for you to say. .yep you are getting there. . or you are there!! Apparently I never was. . as you constantly like to remind me!!
But I seem to think that if I point out how much you mean to me.. how much more in you I have than I thought possible. . how much I left behind and would again in a heartbeat if you asked. . YOU THREATEN TO LEAVE!!!
Screw that. . find a real reason if you wanna leave so damned bad!! Find a real reason why you don't want to be with me aside from what your friends think!! Find something tangible . . real!!
I can't be constantly in limbo waiting for you to realize that I am here waiting to be your everything!! In other words don't threaten to leave unless you really don't plan on coming back!! This shit sux!! I can't deal with the idea of you just taking off like you did before. . I can only handle so much before I can't do it anymore. .
You want me to be the person you feel in love with. . then quit being so emotionally abusive!! I would rather you hit me . . bruises like that actually heal!! Pretty blunt huh!!
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Friday, March 11, 2005
Opening an old closet...
Okay so today I finally broke down and told the nurse everything about this situation at hand. . and she took it all in stride and I feel a little lighter. . a little freer possibly than I did in the beginning. I told her about the x-husband and all that I lived through there and all about J's friends and how things have progressed for us since I got to MD. . I told her fears and worries and just thinking about it all it really makes me wonder that I am not completely Crazy at this point!!
I think a majority of the issues I have are connected with me not really having a lotta outlets?! I miss the friendship I had with J the most but I miss also all the friends I have in Texas. . have had. .whatever?! I miss the easiness of it all. .
I am still so very much in love with him and want to work things thru but I can only do so much before I am at the wits end on it. . I can't begin to understand the feelings of mistrust on his side that supposedly stem from my personality. . my character traits?! Those things were what he liked about me in the beginning. .when did that change?
I told her that he hangs around these friends that seem to make him more like them every day. . and that he had promised to not hang around the guys from the barracks but a little loophole happened when they all got back. . the friends he was talking about moved outta the barracks!! How fair is that!? And because he says that it isn't using a lopehole and he won't stop hanging around them it breaks a portion of the trust I have in him. . but I can't express that cause I am more than sure he'll come back with something else.. something that will just fan the fire more!! How is it he can get away with doing the same things he did before getting married but I can't. . I mean I can't be doing things that are that horrible?? Am I supposed to forgive the things he does even when he doesn't forgive them in me??
I really need to stop dwelling on the past but it is so hard when it carries so much weight. . maybe if I focus on the good the bad will lose some of its sting?
I think a majority of the issues I have are connected with me not really having a lotta outlets?! I miss the friendship I had with J the most but I miss also all the friends I have in Texas. . have had. .whatever?! I miss the easiness of it all. .
I am still so very much in love with him and want to work things thru but I can only do so much before I am at the wits end on it. . I can't begin to understand the feelings of mistrust on his side that supposedly stem from my personality. . my character traits?! Those things were what he liked about me in the beginning. .when did that change?
I told her that he hangs around these friends that seem to make him more like them every day. . and that he had promised to not hang around the guys from the barracks but a little loophole happened when they all got back. . the friends he was talking about moved outta the barracks!! How fair is that!? And because he says that it isn't using a lopehole and he won't stop hanging around them it breaks a portion of the trust I have in him. . but I can't express that cause I am more than sure he'll come back with something else.. something that will just fan the fire more!! How is it he can get away with doing the same things he did before getting married but I can't. . I mean I can't be doing things that are that horrible?? Am I supposed to forgive the things he does even when he doesn't forgive them in me??
I really need to stop dwelling on the past but it is so hard when it carries so much weight. . maybe if I focus on the good the bad will lose some of its sting?
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Off and On
Things have been just that here in the last couple of weeks since J decided to walk out and have his think time. .
We are getting through it one step at a time, although it is one step forward two steps back. . one day it is all about lets sit and talk about everything and the next it is back to the way things were before!! Before had its moments but things were never really right. . never really exact? I keep hoping for the day to come that things are settled and we are whole again like we were in the very beginning.. when nothing could have shaken either of our resolves . . . back to a time when I can come home at night and not wonder when the next time a door will close and not reopen with him?? How long can a person wait for that to happen and not be completely crazy??
We are getting through it one step at a time, although it is one step forward two steps back. . one day it is all about lets sit and talk about everything and the next it is back to the way things were before!! Before had its moments but things were never really right. . never really exact? I keep hoping for the day to come that things are settled and we are whole again like we were in the very beginning.. when nothing could have shaken either of our resolves . . . back to a time when I can come home at night and not wonder when the next time a door will close and not reopen with him?? How long can a person wait for that to happen and not be completely crazy??
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