Okay so today I finally broke down and told the nurse everything about this situation at hand. . and she took it all in stride and I feel a little lighter. . a little freer possibly than I did in the beginning. I told her about the x-husband and all that I lived through there and all about J's friends and how things have progressed for us since I got to MD. . I told her fears and worries and just thinking about it all it really makes me wonder that I am not completely Crazy at this point!!
I think a majority of the issues I have are connected with me not really having a lotta outlets?! I miss the friendship I had with J the most but I miss also all the friends I have in Texas. . have had. .whatever?! I miss the easiness of it all. .
I am still so very much in love with him and want to work things thru but I can only do so much before I am at the wits end on it. . I can't begin to understand the feelings of mistrust on his side that supposedly stem from my personality. . my character traits?! Those things were what he liked about me in the beginning. .when did that change?
I told her that he hangs around these friends that seem to make him more like them every day. . and that he had promised to not hang around the guys from the barracks but a little loophole happened when they all got back. . the friends he was talking about moved outta the barracks!! How fair is that!? And because he says that it isn't using a lopehole and he won't stop hanging around them it breaks a portion of the trust I have in him. . but I can't express that cause I am more than sure he'll come back with something else.. something that will just fan the fire more!! How is it he can get away with doing the same things he did before getting married but I can't. . I mean I can't be doing things that are that horrible?? Am I supposed to forgive the things he does even when he doesn't forgive them in me??
I really need to stop dwelling on the past but it is so hard when it carries so much weight. . maybe if I focus on the good the bad will lose some of its sting?
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