News...

Yes, I have some very big news - however it'll wait until Jan 3rd to be made public...

Problem is that I don't know that I even want it made public then? I really didn't want even the people who do know to really know with very rare exceptions just yet...

Plus, I'm terrified that this won't work... less than a week and we'll see!!

Holiday Ball and XMAS Tree hunting

This weekend was a nice weekend - Saturday was lazy, then we got ready for the Holiday Ball... it was short and sweet... very nice...

J actually suggested pictures... YEAH!!!

Sunday was spent with J fishing some mid-day, watching football and then we went to pick out our christmas tree... I had a good time even if it was walking all over the place in the cold to find "the Tree"...

Day 30 (Love) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 30 - I'm grateful for love...

Love of Family... Love of Country... Love for science, technology, medicine, teaching, etc... Love of Animals... Love of Nature... Without love, would we truly have a reason to live or dream the impossible??

I can't imagine a world without love - the love of my husband, my parents, sister, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephew, cousins, friends, pets... most importantly the love of a God that has provided me with all this and so much more...

Day 29 (Relax Days) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 29 - I'm grateful for relaxing days... days were I get to do whatever I want whether it's reading, napping, shopping or going for a massage... Grateful for massages too, since they help keep my migraines at bay usually! Days like today where I have no obligations, nothing that requires my attention, nothing that needs to be done right now... no dishes to do, no work, just chill... love these days!!

Day 28 (Communication) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 28 - I'm grateful for communication technology that enables me to hear from all my family and friends on this day of Thanksgiving... whether its a post on Facebook/Twitter or text/calls, hearing from everyone is a blessing when I'm so far away!

Day 27 (New Day) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 27 - I'm grateful to have woke up this morning and grateful for a easy day at work...

Day 26 (The Little Things) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 26 - I'm grateful for the little things in life... I've already mentioned some, but truly the little things are what make each day special!
Recently for me it's been the sunny days where you can see Mt. Rainer, holding my husband's hand while we drive to the coast, chatting with a friend who I haven't gotten a lot of chances to keep up with and it being like we'd seen each other just yesterday, the fresh-out-the-oven cinnamon muffins at the bakery, watching the sunset and all the lights out the windows of my office, the feel of kicking off your shoes at the end of a long day, having dinner prepared for you, my dog cuddling up to me at night... but there are so many other little things that I have flood back into my memory on occasion - sometimes it's a silly something that makes me giggle/laugh uncontrollably (usually making my husband think I've gone off the deep end) or sparks a memory that brings a tear to my eyes... I'm just grateful that on occasion I recognize those small things that make my day so much better...

Day 25 (Memories) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 25 - I'm grateful for Memories!! I love looking back through photos, reminiscing with friends or family, or just hearing the stories of experiences of others... I love planning trips that I know will be a fond memory down the road... I love being there when a big event for others occur so I can help make that memory better if at all possible... Memories are treasures that you can't assign any monetary value to, even the bad memories sometimes we learn later to treasure...

With that in mind... What is your favorite Memory??

Day 24 (Nature) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 24: I'm grateful for the beauty of nature and grateful to be able to spend time in it... I'm grateful that I can enjoy it with my husband as well as he hunts for dinner! 

Day 23 (Music) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 23: I'm grateful for music... I'm very eclectic in the styles of music I listen to, everything from Country to HipHop/Alternative to Classical to Techno, however, I'm not just referencing the music that plays on your radio - I'm grateful for that type of music too since it has provided a backdrop to some very special moments in my life and a lot of music has special meaning to me. BUT - I'm also referencing the music that you hear when you step outside on a clear day with the birds singing and the wind whistling through the trees.. I'm referencing the music of life that you hear in a heartbeat or in a newborn babies cry... I'm referencing the sound of friend's and family's voices through the phone - If you think about it, music is nothing but sounds that are pleasing (usually) to the ear... and I'm truly grateful for all the music in my life! 

Day 22 (Dreams) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 22: I'm grateful for dreams...

Dreams in the making... Are on a mission? Are you making conscious choices and living the life you want to live? Are you on your way to dream come true? Be grateful for the path you’re on, the joy it gives you and the hope you’re experiencing.

Dreams coming true... Even better! Make a list of all the dreams you’ve had that you made come true! This list will be the ultimate inspiration list to achieve even more and bigger goals.

I’ll tell you a little secret, except it’s not secret at all: There are no limitations on how you can live your life. EVERYTHING. IS. POSSIBLE. Now, if that’s not something to be grateful for (every day!), then we need to have a serious talk.

Day 21 (Kindness of Strangers) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 21: I'm grateful for the kindness of strangers... it doesn't matter if its a smile as you walk past on the street, an offer of change when you are missing those last few cents for a purchase (so you don't have to break a larger bill or pull out the credit/debit card), letting you merge on the highway when no one else has let you in, person in front of you in a drive-thru that purchases your order, or someone that stops to help with vehicle trouble - the kindness of a stranger refreshes the belief that there are still good people in the world that do something without any gain...

Day 20 (Negative Feelings) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 20: I'm grateful for disappointment, fears, pain and tears... 

• Disappointment – So you know the things that matter to you most
• Fears – So you know your opportunities for growth
• Pain – For you to become a stronger person
• Tears – For helping you express your deepest emotions

Without these 4 feelings you wouldn't understand what a blessing it is to be happy, content or carefree in the moments when those feelings are with you. There are times looking back on my life that I can see where my fears hindered my progress, where pain made me want to stop, and where disappointments seemed to be never ending... but with each time that I overcame the fears, pushed past the pain and overcame the disappointments my life changed in some way, regardless of if it was a small change or big - it was a change and I'm better for that change. I've learned that not everything has a discernible reason behind it, although most does if you look hard enough... and while I hate to cry, I know that when I do that it's real emotion and passion behind it. I know I'll have more of it all to deal with, but I hope that I can continue to learn from the experiences and continue to be a better person for them.

Day 19 (Senses) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 19: I'm grateful for my senses - sense of taste, smell, sight, touch, speech, hearing... can you imagine not having those?? It's so frustrating when I have a cold or allergies and can't smell anything (although I'll be honest and say I'm grateful for that too sometimes!)... but it also affects my taste too - and that really frustrates me since then everything tastes odd or off. 

Day 18 (Books) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 18: I'm grateful for books... Books have always been one of my favorite way to escape the everyday, travel to somewhere that only lives in imagination, in the past, or just too far away... I've learned from them (not just school text books) and they've had some of my treasured friends within the pages... 

Even though I rarely read a paperback book anymore (I love my Kindle Paperwhite), I still own and collect books... I love my books!!!

Price for a Great Weekend

What is the price for a great weekend?? Apparently the price for my weekend is a slight cold - not the kind that makes you feel bad.. maybe just a little run down, a little congestion and throw in a cough with a few sneezes for accent... that's the type of cold I have - I admit it, I'm a little sick! Grr.. But it was worth it..

J wanted to go fishing Saturday morning so he woke me up way too early and I didn't exactly have a good time out on the river, but it was pretty and I did enjoy spending time with him even if I wasn't exactly showing it very well... then Sunday we got up and drove to Westport, WA. I must say that the drive is very pretty and the little town of Westport is very sleepy in the winter time... I could see where it would be hopping during the summer with charter fishing trips and all the touristy beach type things going on! We walked along the boardwalk (very small boardwalk) and checked out the maritime museum... I must say that the museum was pretty cool - it had all types of rocks from the area and whaling information from the past, it even had whale skeletons, but that wasn't the best part of the museum - that honor belongs to the lighthouse lens from Destruction Island Lighthouse that they have available for viewing... btw it's functional and OMG so pretty!! After we finished with the museum, we had lunch at this little cafe down the boardwalk called Bennetts.. amazing lunch, we had the Halibut Combo which was two large pieces of fried halibut, some fried clam strips and fries... Yum!!! We then found our way to the lighthouse and toured it.. I "re-proposed" to J using his watch that I'd just gotten repaired (it was the first anniversary gift I'd given him)... I don't know really what he thought but it took it in stride and we joked and smiled and kissed walking back to the truck. Then it was off to the beach to try our hand at digging clams... which we sucked at... found a lot of pretty sand dollars and had a good time... 

Anyways... all that time in the weather that was a combination of wind, rain and cold sure did a number on my system, but I'll take it for the experience (even the miserable fishing part)!

Day 17 (Weather) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 17: I'm grateful for days of sunshine and rain... for the cold days, the hot and humid days, and even windy days... Every season has a purpose and so must every type of weather...

Not that I always like the weather, I know I dislike that it gets cold specially if it's raining too.. I hate tornadoes and hurricanes for their destruction!! However, I love a beautiful spring day or a summer thunderstorm.. I love to watch the snow and rain... and I love the rainbows that show up when the sun breaks through a rainstorm.. I love that the rain and sun allow the crops, trees, grass and other vegetation to grow.. I love that the cold kills all the nasty bugs..

So yeah.. all the different types of weather have a reason behind them.. regardless of if I like it or not, grateful for it!!

Day 16 (Time) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 16: I'm grateful for time...
Time spent with friends enjoying a dinner, shopping trip or just sitting around a firepit...
Time spent with family just hanging out reminiscing...
Time spent with my husband doing anything... including sitting out in the middle of no where freezing while he fishes...

Time is precious and seems to go by in the blink of an eye, cherish every moment with your loved ones!

Day 15 (Good News) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 15: I'm grateful for good news...

Good news that a procedure went well and is successful, Good news about a decision that someone has struggled with and has worked out well, Good news about a new job or raise, Good news about a trouble in your life that has been resolved, etc... Whatever the good news is, I'm always glad to hear it - it brightens my day when someone I know has heard good news!!

(of course, if I have good news for myself it's just that much better..)

Day 14 (Medicine) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 14: I'm grateful for Modern Medicine and Medical practices (regardless Western or Eastern).. 

Yes, I complain day in and day out about medicine and doctors and everything that has to do with that - but I know that a lot of that is frustration and stress.  Transplant surgeries, knee/hip replacement or repair, internal injuries that once were a death sentence now can be repaired, women who have problems conceiving have options for assistance, cancer treatments, pain management... allergy treatment and OTC treatments for more common ailments... all of these and more are a miracle in some ways and while I might complain I am always so glad for the relief of medication for migraines, allergies or sore throat - hopefully I'll have another reason to be grateful for modern medicine one day, but I think have a lot of reasons already without that... now to just remember that when I see a doctor - LOL

Day 13 (Opportunities) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 13: I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had (and sorta regret not taking the advantages of some of those opportunities to the fullest). I was born and raised in a small town in Texas that allowed me to have a wonderful educational experience for Grade/High School, I know too many that didn't have the 1 on 1 experience with the teachers that I received. That small town also allowed me to grow up being able to do things that are very restricted by fear/worry or government regulation now such as riding bikes/horses all over town and even to the next town over on occasion, playing every sport available, driving daddy's truck around or helping pull/haul trailers/tractors, etc. I've had a college education (even if it was start and stop and took forever)... lived in Hawaii, Maryland (worked in DC) and now in Washington State... I've gotten to hunt exotics even if it was on a fenced ranch in Texas, fish for all sorts of big game fish (Yellow-fin Tuna, Marlin, Mahi Mahi, Wahoo, Salmon, etc)... I've had some pretty awesome opportunities!

Day 12 (Health) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 12: I'm grateful that I have good health (even if I do have issues with hormones, occasional migraines and high blood pressure at doc appts)...
I'm also grateful that overall (relatively) my husband and parents are in good health... I know that there are so many diseases and ailments that plague others and am so glad that the few problems we have are relatively minor in comparison...

Day 11 (Veterans Day) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 11: I'm grateful to those that have stood in defense for me, for our nation... I know that we would not have the things (material, spiritual, etc) that we are allowed to have if it wasn't for these brave men and women who have given their time, service and in many cases life and/or limb in devotion to preserving the freedoms that we are so privileged as Americans to have, Freedoms that we are so often mistreating/abusing and forgetting have been won at a very dear cost by some. I know that today is Veterans day, so the timing of this thanks is intentional, but I also know that every day I live with the reminders of what sacrifices some have made so that I can have the choices that I make daily and every day I am grateful that there are so many of my family and friends that have been spared the sacrifice of their life for those freedoms that I enjoy. 

So today if you do nothing else, buy a cup of coffee for the WWII or Vietnam vet in your neighborhood or even a soldier in uniform going to work... give to a wounded warrior charity... thank a stranger in uniform - They will remember your kindness and know that what they do is not ignored or forgotten!

Day 10 (1st World Conveniences) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 10: I'm grateful to have had a roof over my head, plenty to eat and drink, fresh water to bathe in, abundant clean clothes to wear... and of course electricity to keep the house comfortable and well lit, entertainment such as TV/Cell Phones and other electronics charged, food hot/cooked or cold, water pumped and heated to showers/baths/sinks, etc...

Yes, I know... 1st world problems/conveniences... but we as a society have such a bad tendency to forget that we are lucky to have these things - to have the ability to contact friends/family at any time of day no matter the distance or location, to have the access to the world tucked into your back pocket including ways to keep us entertained... have the comfort of warm clothing when it's cold out, to have the ability to pick and choose what food we want to eat that day whenever we feel like eating. All of these things and so many, many more we use and abuse day in day out expecting it to work, to be available, to never be without... 

Day 9 (Job) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 9: In keeping with the idea from Day 8... I'm grateful that I have a job, and one that I usually enjoy... I'm also grateful that a majority of the companies that I've been employed by have included a supervisor/boss who was understanding that we each have a life outside of the office and sometimes that requires our absence or in some cases just mental absences... 

Day 8 (Co-Workers) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 8: I'm grateful for the co-workers I've had (and currently have)... most of which became friends along the way, but still - I've had some pretty amazing co-workers!!! 

You spend 40+ hours a week, 52 weeks a year with these individuals and Co-workers become your family away from home to some extent... so how could I not be grateful for these people - they can make your day or they can make it horrible, and that means that my attitude can affect their day as well... and it helps keeping in mind that I wouldn't have a job if they didn't have theirs!!

Day 7 (Pets/Animals) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 7: Trivial as this seems, I'm grateful for all the pets/animals I have had/still have... My horses, my dogs, cats, pigs, sheep, goats, calves, chinchilla, rabbits... chickens (and the one snake) not so much, but I guess that there is something I'm missing in the depths of my memory even for them... And although I could go on ad-nauseam, I'll just focus on the two that have brought me the most pleasure...
My dogs... loyal and 100% unconditional love... or at least for all the ones I've had the pleasure of having as pets. They've protected me, comforted me and provided endless amusement... always eager for a new adventure, always ready to welcome me no matter how long I've been gone... they are what I believe we all want from everyone around us...
Horses are obvious to those that knew me growing up... I was always riding here and there and everywhere, they were a huge part of my life and I wish that they still were... riding is something that is hard to take for granted since there is something utterly poetic about the movements and grace of the horse, and for something so beautiful to allow itself to be tamed/trained enough to be ridden is a wonderful experience even without the competition aspect that was commonly thrown in - everything from barrels and poles to roping and cutting to dressage and jumping competition was attempted, but my favorite thing was always finding a long stretch of even ground and just letting go... wind rushing by, the feel of the muscles bunching and releasing beneath you, knowing at any time that this animal could decide to veer or buck or just not stop when asked (or stop before being asked)... btw greatest work out in the world too! HAHA

Day 6 (Friends) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 6: I'm grateful for the friends (some are more family than just friends) I've made throughout the years... some more than others but you've all made an impact and continue to do so still. You've taught me to moderate my perception of everything from friendships/relationships to skills and habits to what actually is success... I've been humbled by my school companions - your opinions and actions, your recollection of years past... these have shown me that nothing is as it seemed, shows what was important and memory only blurs what remains. I've been taught to go beyond what comfort zones I have by friends I've made moving around the country... I've learned that not everyone can be trusted with everything, while others I know I could trust with my life and that each of those types of friendships provide different aspects but both are needed in some way... And while I miss the friends (and in some cases lose touch) I leave behind when the military says "Move", the memories that I've made stay with me...

Day 5 (Family) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 5: I'm grateful for Family - my nieces and nephew, aunts and uncles, cousins, even "family" that isn't blood... each and every one of you have in some way shaped the way I view the world - with such a large family, and being so close-knit (mostly) with so many it's hard to imagine anything different... and that opened a door to places I've never been or experiences I've never lived through - you each have shared through stories or more recently FB posts allowing me to see things from your prospective... You each are amazing/unique individuals and I wish I could give you each a day, but I'd be writing for months :) plus ultimately I know I'd leave someone out, just too many!!
Sadly, I've lost some recently just as I was really getting to know them - I hope that they knew that I loved them and was grateful for the time I was able to have with them... Others I have begun to see and appreciate in a way as an adult that I would never have understood as a child, I will always try to do my best to make sure that they know that they are appreciated and loved as treasured members of my family - Even from halfway across the country!! Love you all!

Day 4 (Grandmothers) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 4: I'm grateful for the time I did have with my Grandmothers... (even my "adopted" grandmother, Mom-Mom) - If there was ever something that I wished I could go back in time for, it would be to relive the times with each one of these amazing and strong women. I would listen closer to the guidance they offered, memorize/record the stories they told of their lives, and show them every day that they were loved fiercely... just thinking of each of these dear women brings both a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. They were gifts that I too often took for granted...

Day 3 (Sister) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 3: I'm grateful for my sister... even though she annoys me to no end (I think that has to be a universal rule somewhere) and I know for a fact that I frustrate and annoy her... however, she has a beautiful soul/heart when she chooses to let it out, and has good intentions regardless of how she executes the plans she has and to what end result. She's carefree and careless to a large degree but that has made her fun as often as it has been otherwise, and although she does get turned around backwards she always finds the right answer eventually. She's offered friendship and support, forgiveness and love throughout my entire life... and although I'm more than sure that we have different ideas of how each of us were raised and how our parents treated us - we at least have that bond of being the children of Nancy and Albert Lindsey... I love her unconditionally even when she doesn't believe it and I will always do what I can to support her even when she thinks I'm not...

I love you sis... always have and always will..

Day 2 (Husband) - 30 Days of Thanks

Day 2: I'm grateful for my husband - through ups and downs, through 4 military moves, through times of grief and happiness/success... he's been the one standing beside me for 10+ years! As difficult as I've occasionally made life for him, and vise versa, I wouldn't trade a minute of it... I'm proud of his accomplishments and he's been proud of mine, we've have our fights and made up, struggled through the grief of loss for family members and pregnancies yet we've survived, been separated due to deployments/training schedules and been blissfully aware that it's our good fortune it hasn't occurred more frequently, worked through financial issues and came out on top, stressed over family visits but managed to survive those as well... Honestly looking back, I sometimes wonder how it was that we've made it to this point and remained married, nevermind remaining best friends (usually - LOL)! I know that if it wasn't for his honor, integrity, morals and love for me that things would not be what they are...

Day 1 (Parents) - 30 Days of Thanks

This November... Give thanks for something or someone in your life that you maybe forget about or take for granted every day - whether it's family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, the mailman, your home/vehicle, pets, electricity and hot showers, etc... I could go on and on... I know that this challenge goes around every year at this time, but we all could use a reminder to be grateful for what we have and the lives that we live...

Day 1: I'm grateful to my parents - without their love, guidance and support growing up (and still to this day) I can honestly say I wouldn't have the understanding of life, humanity, faith, or myself that I can currently claim. They've taught me more by being themselves, sharing their struggles and triumphs, than any book or classroom setting combined. Love you both...

Welcome home...

Welcome to the world Miss Amalina Faith...

Welcome home to my husband after training for 3 weeks...
An exhausting welcome home back to Texas for me and then a relief when I was back to Washington...

This weekend was a test of strength in some ways and a test of patience in others... I forget how hard it can be not only emotionally, but physically as well to maintain composure and good humor when put into a stressful situation or a scene from one of your worst nightmares... For one: my niece's OB/GYN is none other than the doctor that diagnosed my last pregnancy as a blighted ovum and sent me home with a medication that would ensure that everything passed - Seeing her face was a punch in the gut, specially after having just seen my new little grand-niece just wheeled out in an incubator...

But it wasn't just that - it was everything... everything from getting the slightest amount of time with my husband in a month before having to board my own flight... to knowing that my niece who I love like a little sister or even in parts my own child was once again having a little one of her own while I've not even managed to be pregnant long enough to really know what it's like to be pregnant before losing the chance to know... to feeling completely alone and left out... to knowing I really wasn't alone or left out... to seeing a reflection of my pain in my mother and father's eyes... it's uncanny how many things can cause you to feel some of the worst things and some of the best too! 

As to the rest of the stress and frustrations... well suffice it to say that I know that I will not be inviting anyone that I don't feel will honor my wishes when I finally do manage to give my husband a child - I know myself well enough that I wouldn't have the patience to deal with all the ooo & ahhhing for HOURS on end, or for anyone that I don't want touching me or my child... how my niece dealt with it is beyond me because I would have been hurting people!!

I don't know that I would have changed a damned thing about the weekend (except for my sister's words on occasion and her actions)... I was there for my niece at what was an important time for her... I love her and her two little ones and loved spending the time I had with them... I just wish that it wasn't quite so hard to bear!  

In the end though, I truly was glad of the time there but even more happy to be back here in Washington with my husband and away from all the drama that made up this past weekend. 

Plans.. Plans.. Love my Plans..

So, I've got all these plans... lovely, lovely plans... and I really, really hope that I my plans go off without a hitch and that they are as well received as I think they will be...

1st - Go back to dating my husband... 

2nd - Take my husband to Grays Harbor Lighthouse in Westport, WA and propose to him...

3rd - Get engagement photos taken...

4th - Go on a "Honeymoon" weekend trip...

5th - Hopefully end up pregnant sometime in the middle of all this... HAHA

Some of the date ideas I have are:

• Pike's Place food tour
• Space Needle
• Leavenworth Oktoberfest
• Underground Tour of Seattle (maybe)
• Typical Dinner and a Movie or Dancing
• Dinner Cruise

I'll probably only do a few but for this, but that doesn't mean that they won't be done eventually... LOL

And to the why/how for the proposal?? J's always talked about how he dreamed the perfect proposal would be done in a lighthouse overlooking water... So why not?? We never really had the typical progress of a relationship - we were only physically in the same location a few weeks when we meet, after that it was catch as catch can... a weekend here or there... then if we were a couple it was all long distance till he came home from a deployment and secretly made his way from Maryland to Texas to see if we still had a chance and to propose.  However even the proposal didn't go smoothly or typically - poor guy! I just really want to kinda have a redo of sorts... not cause I don't love the memory, but because I want him to know that regardless of how it's done I would gladly do it all again... I would gladly deal with every issue, every problem, every bump in the road, every imperfect moment if it meant being with him because he still makes my heart skip a beat when he smiles my way!

Otherwise, the rest of the plans is due to my want to have pictures of us again... since we've not had anything since we got married really... 10 years is really too long! And who doesn't want a weekend get away... and if I just so happen to tell him some of the stuff that I put in here and renew my pledge to him - all the better!

Picture idea areas...
Point Definance
Lakewold Gardens
http://mountaineersphotography.org/category/best-photo-locations-wa/


Oh and one other thing... 
I found something else I want to do... http://www.icicleoutfitters.com/huntingfishing.html

Bunco Night...

It's a tradition apparently - among military spouses specially it seems - to get together at least once a month for conversation/socialization, a few (too many) drinks, food, and a game called Bunco.

Now if you don't know this game, never heard or it or just don't know the rules, it's easy enough (kinda has to be in order to be played while the swirl of conversation and alcohol go round the room)... object of the game is to roll dice for a certain combination of numbers in order to get 21 points which wins the game for that round, then you and your partner switch tables if you won or if you lost that round then you'll find yourself staying at the table only with a new partner. Granted there are a few more rules and ways to get points or win prizes, but ultimately that's the main objective - if you want to know all the rules, look here: http://www.worldbunco.com/rules.html

This tradition seems to allow women an excuse to have a girls night free of obligation, of stress of being a wife or a mother... but with the safety of knowing that you are usually within the confines of a safe neighborhood... however little I have enjoyed this strange tradition and avoided it at all cost - I have found that I've actually looked forward to these nights. 

A break!

So Friday the 13th wasn't lucky for me - not only am I not pregnant, but I'm also being put on Blood Pressure meds... YAY!! Grrr.. Guess that means a side stop at the hospital yet again to pick up meds...

And since the husband is not going to be around this month, I'm going on a break from Clomid.. but I'm being put on a suppressant.. I'm not so sure I'm happy about any of this!! I just want to be free from all these stupid drugs and doctors and be happy/healthy... oh and be wife to my husband and god willing mother to his kids... that's not too much to ask right?? Then why is it so flipping difficult!! I think a good bottle of wine is in order tonight...

9/11 Reflection among other things...

My husband left for his latest leadership training course today... and yes it makes me anxious that he was going on a plane cross-country on a day with so much history... I still feel the fear and the panic that accompanies the memories from 12 years ago, it seems unreal that it's been 12 years!! I know it's a day that is stuck in most people's memory, whatever the reason or the tie and it still gives many reason for grief... 

I miss him already and he's only been out of my sight for less than 12 hours... 

Tomorrow is test date for cycle 2... although I think it might have to wait till Friday, plus I have an appt already for Friday so I might as well.. stupid hypertension appt.!!

Oh... and really good news - I was officially given the offer to join the GTH group on a more permanent level... with a RAISE!! YAY!

Round 2

It's half-way through the second round of Clomid cycle (100mg this round instead of 50mg) and we've got some good results - 4 follicles that are all well on the mature development stage showed up today at the ultrasound monitoring appt. The docs were a little concerned about so many showing, but felt that the risk of more than twins actually coming about were negligible so I was given the trigger immediately and ordered 72 hours of baby making dance.. HEHE..
However - for all the good news (or at least not bad news) that came, there was a thread of disagreeable news... they want to treat me for hypertension... Lovely!

Forgetting the past...

Sometimes in life you get slammed with a reminder of the past and you get flash-flooded by the emotions and memories, other times you get just enough of a jolt to have a steady stream going through your mind without being overwhelmed - I had a jolt this weekend...

My husband has an eerie way about getting through the BS and finding that hot spot, that weakness button, and he likes to pounce on it - push and prod at it until it's completely uncovered and a lot of times bruised as well. We've discussed this "gift" on several occasions because usually he's being mean and sort of spiteful when he uses this ability, and we've discovered that he feels like sometimes it's akin to a predator in the animal kingdom going after the weakest animal for the kill... I agree since when he's in that mode, I feel like my emotions are being stalked and cornered if it's me that he's directed at!! It's a very scary feeling and luckily it's fairly rare when he's in that mode with me... however, this weekend I believe that he unwittingly used this "gift" in a good way even if it did leave me a little shaky and unsettled for the next 24 hours! 

Friday morning as I was getting ready to head to the clinic for my test and hubby was getting ready to head to work, I asked him a very casual question - or at least I thought it was a casual question. For him it was a lot more involved and I guess I should have realized that before asking the question... but as I'll point out later, I think there was another driving force behind the question that he uncovered.  I asked his opinion/guess about if the test would be positive or negative... after much fuss and bluster, he answered in a very aggressive/defensive manner that it would be negative. While the answer of "negative" didn't really bother me, the fuss and aggression accompanying the answer did and so the trip to the clinic then to work was spent in a frustrated manner over why he was so upset over something that was trivial. The answer to all of this occurred hours later, in fact it was about 1AM Saturday morning after hanging out at a neighbors house party when it finally came out... he was upset that I had asked what he felt was an impossible question to answer and had left him feeling like the question had a hidden meaning that pointed a finger at him saying "You don't support her enough!" - now while yes, I do get a little upset on occasion for his typical guy approach to anything that is emotional charged and his act of disinterest, I do know that he is interested but doesn't know how to deal with the emotions that come from being interested... do I wish he'd talk more to me about things, yes... do I wish he'd show a little more focused attention when I'm discussing certain things, yes... do I understand to some degree why he doesn't, again yes - I did have a daddy that was sort of the same way, very internalized about his feelings... So he brought up this topic of conversation with the request to not do that to him again because he felt horrible the rest of the day over what he perceived to be a very anti-supportive/negative way to handle the situation, which he didn't handle it well, but he was right that I shouldn't have thought he would with the timing. So we discussed this journey that we are on and how he's feeling about it, how he feels about his neutral balance, and ultimately how he feels about being left out of any of it... Not that I have hidden a single piece, but he's worried that I might because he's not showing enough support/attention/interest, and he's also worried that if he shows too much that he'll give me too much of a false sense of something that when it gets disappointed that I'd be right back to how I reacted immediately after my miscarriage 2 years ago - and that is just not something he wants to deal with, he stated that it was so hard on him to deal with me at that point because he knew he just couldn't fix it... that his little act is his only defense so to speak... I sometimes forget how horrible that was on both of us, not that I really know exactly how he felt then but I know enough to realize he wasn't as "ok" as he tried to act. I guess sometimes I need a reminder that my husband really does care, but likes to hide behind his emotional-null shield... and I also need a reminder occasionally that he really does support me way more than I give him credit for, it's just usually an invisible safety net, there but unseen... He made me realize with all the talk, that I was feeling pretty insecure and alone, that I was dying to ask him something to get him involved.  I mean I have my parents and some close friends that I talk to about TTC but nothing makes me feel more secure than when I know he's got my back and is standing next to me. I need to take the blinders off more often I guess to see his position!!

Husband dear - you frustrate me more than you could ever know, but times like this you also remind me that the saying "still waters run deep" is true in most cases where your emotions are involved. 

... onward and upward!

It's amazing to me how detached you can get from your desires - specially when you are afraid of getting your hopes up. That's me today...

... but onto the next cycle, onto the next chance to achieve my desire for a child...

One day I will be able to tell my child how wanted he/she was and how much effort, time and tears were expended on them... One Day...

3 more days till discovery...

So I've got three more days till I "officially" find out if this cycle worked or not... and by worked I mean did all the meds do what they should have done - not am I or am I not... UGH! I feel like I'm going insane!! I hate feeling this way...

Trigger shot...

Day 1 with the Trigger shot... OMG I hate the side effects already!!

• 2 hours after the shot I had a masssive headache that just doesn't want to quit..
• 3 hours after the headache shows up, I start feeling some pretty serious cramps - they won't allow me to be comfortable sitting still for very long in any position...
• 1 or 2 hours later and I'm feeling dizzy and ill... 

This is not fun... but if it gets me to the prize it will be worth every second of discomfort!!!

Better..

We've got one follicle in the window size that they wanted to see... YEAH!!

A few more showed up, but only one progressed beyond the 15 marker which is apparently the magic number for scheduling a trigger shot... so Wed is the day I get to inject myself with a shot of HCG that will hopefully start a chain reaction to get me to ovulate this week... guess we'll see in approximately 18-20 days how well this cycle worked out??

No good...

Well, appt this morning didn't go as I secretly hoped it would... my lining was thinner than it should be and I didn't have a single follicle that looked even remotely mature (2 biggest ones measured 11), although there were 5 total that were promising for maybe next week to be where they need to be and we'll find out more on Monday morning in regards to that little issue..

So we'll continue with the EOD routine, I'll see the doc again Monday morning and hope for the best... if they've grown even a little bit maybe I'll still have a shot this month, but it's not looking very likely to me at this point...

Recollections of first Clomid Cycle

SIDE EFFECTS: Stomach upset, bloating, abdominal/pelvic fullness, flushing ("hot flashes"), mood swings, breast tenderness, headache, or dizziness may occur.

1st off -let me say that I've talked to a lot of people about their experiences on Clomid and every single one of them had at least one of these side effects if not all... Now I get to count myself among those that can speak from experience! Luckily, so far the only major one that I noticed was Mood Swings - although I did get a throbbing headache for the last day of the pills, so I guess that should be included. Clomid to me isn't as bad as Progestin was as far as the mood swings, although it was more to the anger side than the sad/upset side of the scale and that wasn't exactly a good thing since I have a tendency to lose my temper easy as it is. Otherwise, this stage has been relatively ok for me... my next appt will be on Friday (7/26) to see how the follicles/eggs have developed. They will be giving me a trigger shot then as well if everything is where it should be... Here's hoping it is!

Yay!!! I can't wait for tomorrow...

Tomorrow I go in to get started on my first Clomid cycle!! YAY!!! I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere!! I'm so excited and so incredibly nervous!! 

I have to get a beta blood draw to make sure I'm not already pregnant, but then I get Progestin to take for 7 days to get AF started... then CD3 and I will start a low dose of Clomid, CD12 I'll get an U/S to find out if it's working!

New Job... and everything seems right with the World!

So today marks the end of two weeks at my new job... I am thrilled to be able to say that I'm really enjoying the company so far! Even though its a law firm, everyone is pleasant (and yes I'm aware that I'm new so you usually don't see the evil side till the new wears off) and understanding, but so far I think they are accepting of my knowledge. I've not been introduced to a whole lot of things that are beyond my skills, which is good, and I think that the few things that are diff/new to me I've been able to pick up fairly quickly. I just hope that my IT co-workers think the same and that I can continue to settle into this position with the ease I've established so far. 

Onto other news...

Ready for it?

Are you sure??

We are officially on the TTC Bandwagon! J has agreed to start Clomid... so hopefully 5 days from now, I'll be given the go ahead and Rx needed to get this next new cycle started!

Be the change that you wish to see in the world.

"Grief does not change you, darling. It reveals you."

As with anything in life - if its difficult, it teaches you something about yourself. The saying that anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger is true, it may not be something that you notice immediately but eventually everyone realizes that the times that have seemed so difficult to get through, you do get through the trial... That's what Grief is, a trial to endure and teach us something of ourselves regardless of what causes the grief!

 "It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair."

When it seems that the struggles you deal with in life are too large, when it seems that everything is mounted against you - remember what you are doing everything for, remember what the results will be when you get through the struggles... No the fight is never fair, if it was easy then would you appreciate the rewards as much?? It's a question that comes up often for those that struggle for years to achieve a desire... 

"And that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time."

"Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody."

For the last 2 years, I have struggled overcoming the grief that comes with miscarriage... struggled to overcome the feelings of rage, loss, fear... struggled to deal with the knowledge that my husband didn't want to have kids *yet*, that he wanted to wait till things were "perfect"... fought for patience to be the force in dealing with everything specially with my husband. No one knows the time nor the hour that change can come... nor the person, place or thing that can initiate that change - one day it just happens, one day the things that were so hard to deal with in the past no longer are so difficult.  I'm not saying that it's easy, but dealing with the emotional baggage of Miscarriage/Infertility is not the horrifying event it was just a few months ago. I find myself easily discussing events surrounding it with strangers, friends and family.. if it comes up, I don't shy away from it or change the topic so quickly as I once did.. It's strange that I've fought this for 10+ years and FINALLY the pain has eased! 

My patience has been rewarded to some degree.. we're going through all the tests including ones that I've already done, and hubby is okay with it all, even on some level encouraged it.. that is a win for me, that is a step in a positive direction.. and maybe that's what has made the change for me?? Regardless, I'm in a better state of mind than when I moved here...