Sometimes in life you get slammed with a reminder of the past and you get flash-flooded by the emotions and memories, other times you get just enough of a jolt to have a steady stream going through your mind without being overwhelmed - I had a jolt this weekend...
My husband has an eerie way about getting through the BS and finding that hot spot, that weakness button, and he likes to pounce on it - push and prod at it until it's completely uncovered and a lot of times bruised as well. We've discussed this "gift" on several occasions because usually he's being mean and sort of spiteful when he uses this ability, and we've discovered that he feels like sometimes it's akin to a predator in the animal kingdom going after the weakest animal for the kill... I agree since when he's in that mode, I feel like my emotions are being stalked and cornered if it's me that he's directed at!! It's a very scary feeling and luckily it's fairly rare when he's in that mode with me... however, this weekend I believe that he unwittingly used this "gift" in a good way even if it did leave me a little shaky and unsettled for the next 24 hours!
Friday morning as I was getting ready to head to the clinic for my test and hubby was getting ready to head to work, I asked him a very casual question - or at least I thought it was a casual question. For him it was a lot more involved and I guess I should have realized that before asking the question... but as I'll point out later, I think there was another driving force behind the question that he uncovered. I asked his opinion/guess about if the test would be positive or negative... after much fuss and bluster, he answered in a very aggressive/defensive manner that it would be negative. While the answer of "negative" didn't really bother me, the fuss and aggression accompanying the answer did and so the trip to the clinic then to work was spent in a frustrated manner over why he was so upset over something that was trivial. The answer to all of this occurred hours later, in fact it was about 1AM Saturday morning after hanging out at a neighbors house party when it finally came out... he was upset that I had asked what he felt was an impossible question to answer and had left him feeling like the question had a hidden meaning that pointed a finger at him saying "You don't support her enough!" - now while yes, I do get a little upset on occasion for his typical guy approach to anything that is emotional charged and his act of disinterest, I do know that he is interested but doesn't know how to deal with the emotions that come from being interested... do I wish he'd talk more to me about things, yes... do I wish he'd show a little more focused attention when I'm discussing certain things, yes... do I understand to some degree why he doesn't, again yes - I did have a daddy that was sort of the same way, very internalized about his feelings... So he brought up this topic of conversation with the request to not do that to him again because he felt horrible the rest of the day over what he perceived to be a very anti-supportive/negative way to handle the situation, which he didn't handle it well, but he was right that I shouldn't have thought he would with the timing. So we discussed this journey that we are on and how he's feeling about it, how he feels about his neutral balance, and ultimately how he feels about being left out of any of it... Not that I have hidden a single piece, but he's worried that I might because he's not showing enough support/attention/interest, and he's also worried that if he shows too much that he'll give me too much of a false sense of something that when it gets disappointed that I'd be right back to how I reacted immediately after my miscarriage 2 years ago - and that is just not something he wants to deal with, he stated that it was so hard on him to deal with me at that point because he knew he just couldn't fix it... that his little act is his only defense so to speak... I sometimes forget how horrible that was on both of us, not that I really know exactly how he felt then but I know enough to realize he wasn't as "ok" as he tried to act. I guess sometimes I need a reminder that my husband really does care, but likes to hide behind his emotional-null shield... and I also need a reminder occasionally that he really does support me way more than I give him credit for, it's just usually an invisible safety net, there but unseen... He made me realize with all the talk, that I was feeling pretty insecure and alone, that I was dying to ask him something to get him involved. I mean I have my parents and some close friends that I talk to about TTC but nothing makes me feel more secure than when I know he's got my back and is standing next to me. I need to take the blinders off more often I guess to see his position!!
Husband dear - you frustrate me more than you could ever know, but times like this you also remind me that the saying "still waters run deep" is true in most cases where your emotions are involved.
No comments:
Post a Comment