Weak and heartless. . .

Well he walked out on me this weekend. . He just Left!

He needed time to think he said . . and that I needed to figure out what was wrong!
I am still feeling really abandoned and hurt and confused and a million other things that I don't know how to name. . He wants me to be honest and trustful/worthy. . and to openly communicate with me but then he turns around and won't talk to me about the very thing that just sent my world spiraling outta control!?
All I know is that he was at Dillons over the weekend. . and finally decided to come home Sunday afternoon when we finally got to go over all of his fears and mine and come to a uneasy agreement to work on things to make them right but I can't help but think that nothing will ever be the same again until this guy who has caused all of this pain in my life isn't in our life anymore. .
Even when J had been doing so good about not being around this guy quite so much and I was so grateful to that you could still tell that there was something there that is always nagging at him and always on the tip of his tongue and it bothers me that I can't get away from thinking that Dillon is responsible for that!! I feel so so so . . . alone!!

Failed again. .

Okay. . long post. . Warning!!

This is how you put down in words another failed marriage. .
You write that no matter what you say only half of it goes heard and with that part only a small % gets actually enforced with some action!
You write that while you have no want or desire to ever really leave, you would - just to prove a point!
You write that ever once in a while, love just can't glue shit together anymore!!
You write off friendships. . your own wants, thoughts, feelings, personality and your soul...
You write off your entire being just to cling to some far fetched idea that somewhere along the way you lost all that meant anything to you and clung to the one thing you thought was the embodiment of love and your god-damned SOULMATE!!

I need to get away from here and make things right again . .

J has tried to see how things are but his eyes are still just too blinded by a friendship that never really was there and probably is just a ghost image of the type of friendship that he really wants!! He doesn't see how much one person has made our marriage, our trust in one another and our life just go completely to shit. . . And I don't even understand that. . I mean what in the world did I do to this guy to make him hate me so much that he would risk making a friend go to the extreme of divorce?? Hate is such a strong word . . but I hate him!! And I hate everything he is doing to me and my happiness!!

If it isn't clear. . We fought about some stupid issues last night and well.. not I feel so crappy.
I guess fight isn't the right word cause I didn't fight. . he just yelled!! He was drinking and upset about his grandparents and something happened and off he went at me. . railing about everything . . and I just took it like I always do when he is drunk. . meek little me!! That pisses me off but I have had my heart and soul shredded by the lash of his tongue one to many times to try and endure it often!!! I need to let him know how he makes me feel but today isn't the day. . I am just to weak to deal with all the strength that will take outta me!!

Happy. . Anniversary??

Well it is our 2 year. . somehow I don't feel much like celebrating!!