Farewell to Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone... 1st Christmas that I didn't put up a tree, or have a real "wish list" (which drove my husband and parents batty)... Sadly I could have cared less if it was Christmas or not, didn't care for getting gifts (although still loved giving gifts, just didn't really want any myself), didn't care for any other seasonal traditions - I just wanted the week over with so I could go on with some other part of life. Christmas at my parents was pleasant, no children to speak of other than my 12 year old niece and 21 year old nephew (he's still a kid regardless of age, and expects to be treated no different than my niece)... the only person there who seemed to have more than the slightest spark of Christmas cheer though was my Aunt Jannetta, god love her and her crazy costumes!! She's always been one of my favorites... even with all of her very annoying habits - LOL - she actually was the one to really surprise me this year with a gift... very sweet... 

Willow Tree - Angel of the Heart

I also got two new ponies... from the Trail of Painted Pony collection I got "King of Hearts" from my husband (kinda fitting) and from Horse of a Different Color collection I got "Celestial" from my mom...

Now to look forward to the new year...  I think I'll leave it at that for now!

Lets talk about the Elephant...

Military life can make one a little crazy and wish for an "Easy Button" instead of always sitting on the "Panic Button", specially around time for PCS Orders to be handed out...

I wish I could say that the military life is easy... I know a lot of people believe that it's roses and rainbows all day everyday  - but honestly military families see more storms and thorns than anything else, and deployments aren't even the half of it. We deal with uncertainty in how long we'll have our spouses in the same city, same state, or same country even due to training missions and job requirements; we wonder how the next assignment will work out, if it'll be high stress or if it'll be odd hours all the while hoping that it'll be a nice & calm 8-5 normal work week because they can't quit or complain really about what they do and when. We wait and wonder, we rush and stress, we get told conflicting information... rarely does anything go as planned, if it can be planned at all! In the civilian world, if you don't like a job or work environment you can always quit (hopefully after finding another job first) or talk to HR/Management about the conditions that make you unhappy - military members don't have that option, they also don't have the option to stay in one location like Civilians do... and of course that means that the spouses/family usually follows but obviously not always as there are always circumstances that don't allow the family to be with the military member.  Sadly enough, all of these things happen without much compensation... yes we get more than a salary - we get housing allowances and dependents get a little thrown their way to help pay for standard living expenses, insurance is taken care of which is great, but still it doesn't even begin to compensate for all the trouble that is Military Life!!! And this is still just the tip of the iceburg... don't get me started on if you aren't near a base and all the hassle that comes with that... nor the frustration of the working spouse... nor special duty assignments... grrr...

Anyways, my little soap box speech is because (as noted in previous posts/blogs) we're in the process of trying to PCS/Transfer to a new location and get away from recruiting. I wish I could say that it's as simple as packing up the house and leaving for the new duty station once we are assigned a new duty station... but it's not that easy unless you are a newly married couple with absolutely no ties to community, family, nor have had time to "build" a life in a house... I've packed up and moved 3 times already, about to be a 4th time with at least 1 or 2 more moves to come in the future - it never has been overly easy. I've had to pack a lifetime up, say goodbye to good friends if not friends and family, leave jobs/careers behind, lose opportunities, change routines/habits, try to find new hobbies/interests, etc... it's a stressful process when things go right. When things go right you have a timeline to plan everything around, you typically know the location you are headed to, you have an idea of what the next few months are going to entail (at least if you've done it at least once before)... however, it seems that our current duty station is HELL on trying to have any timelines, or at least it's seemed like it has been for the last year and a half!! 1st we were offered Ft. Sam Houston (San Antonio, Tx) but that was swiftly jerked away from us due to us not being able to go from non-deployable status to non-deployable nor are we allowed to transfer to the same location just different battalion (retarded I know), next we had Korea given to us as basically the only replacement option but luckily were told that this wasn't true, then we settled on Ft. Lewis (Tacoma, Wa) and now it's being debated as well for unknown reasons if Ft. Lewis will stick or not... 
Honestly though, let's talk about the real reason this all REALLY bothers me... because I can be honest enough with myself to admit that most PCS's haven't brought me to tears with each and every change... The real issue is another topic
that has been featuring rather prominent on my blog the last year and a half - having a baby, being pregnant, waiting on J to decide when these two events might be attempted... I'm getting more and more wary with each change, with each hesitation, with each "bump" in the road - and I fear bring in it up... yes, this is the elephant in my little room!! Don't get me wrong, the idea of leaving Texas again worries me and not having my parents around for the second most important part of my life with my husband (they weren't there for the marriage ceremony either due to the circumstances of it being a rushed JOP thing in North Carolina) saddens me almost as much as leaving from an area that I am only a three or four hour drive from them does... but yes having that monkey on my back, that elephant in the room, that ticking time bomb, that heavy weight on my mind is what really stresses me out when a new change is mentioned... There, it feels good to get that out - too bad it doesn't chance a damned thing, since I haven't said it to the person I need to and I won't because it won't matter... Blah! I'm going to go pack some more stuff away and prepare a little more of the house for the upcoming move - whenever that will be...

Time 2 PCS

It's that time... Time to start gearing up to PCS to a new duty station which we know is Ft. Lewis in Washington now, time to start prepping the house to pack and sell, time to start weeding through all the things that need to be thrown away or given away, time to finish any unfinished projects around the house (walk-way, pier, painting, etc)... this is going to be a very busy next few months for me at least!

I'm starting lists, and I so am not a list person... but it seems like it's the only way I'm going to be able to keep straight with everything between work and home! I'm just glad that I'll have help here in Texas and in Washington...

Definitely time for Chocolate, Wine and a good Cry..

... comfort food... nice bubble bath... spa day... something!! OMG something!! I've been doing so well the last few months, or at least I think I have - and even this week I've handled a lot of stuff better than I thought possible - Enough is seriously enough though!!

Week started ok, J was willing to talk about my appt I had scheduled for Monday, even if we didn't discuss too in-depth (other than a few questions he wanted answers for) and he seemed a little disappointed to realize that he wouldn't be able to go with me. 
Monday went to appt... I was fine dealing with the waiting room full of infants, toddlers and varying stages of pregnancy... I was fine dealing with the nurse who got a little stressed out with my lack of normal period and asking what was wrong with me (she was new)... I was even fine when the nurses tried to brush off my desire to discuss infertility again with my doc, even though that was what I called to schedule. I struggled a little once in the room while waiting patiently for the doc to show up because I could hear the sounds of a woman in the next room over being VERY excited to hear the heartbeat of her infant, I struggled but ultimately smiled to hear that beautiful sound myself through the walls... my eyes might have slightly teared up, but it was still a beautiful sound! I came back to work slightly saddened by the news that the only options open to me currently are Clomid/Femera or IUI trigger shots, both of which my husband has expressed displeasure with using, unless I want to put off TTC for a few months to see if a few other types of hormone therapy that are meant to help with regulation as well as stopping any chance of pregnancy might work. Rest of the day passed very slowly and painfully as I was given multiple reminders that I don't have a living child... 
Tuesday was better... although again I had reminders battering at my walls, trying to tear down my strength... and reluctantly I finally succumbed to a very fitful sleep after receiving no response from my husband for physical comfort or intimacies... 
Wednesday passed much the same as Tuesday, although keeping despair at bay was a little more difficult without a good nights sleep - I went home to an empty house, waiting patiently on a husband that works seemingly later and later each week. I passed the time watching TV, settling in for a few shows that were supposed to be feel good kinds but ended up breaking my heart a little to see when each one showed a newborn infant coming into the world and mommy/daddy having this look of awe or indescribable love/devotion maybe... off to bed to cry a little into my pillows and again sleep very poorly...
Now for Today... Today all I've wanted to do was not think of children, but it wasn't in the cards!! I've been shocked, not once, not twice, but 3 times today with people around me and that I work with being pregnant... I seriously am struggling with this, I think most of it is due to not knowing where we'll be in a few months, where my husband will be... I don't think I can handle another year of waiting, I don't know that I can handle even another few months... I mean I will, if it's required but the truth is that with each new hit, another crack forms in what strength I am relying on to carry me through this indeterminate wait...

Just a few more days, I can do this for a few more days... I can, I must... 

So proud of my Sgt 1st Class husband...

... but not so proud of my how much I "celebrated" with my friend Patron!! Yikes!! Thank goodness that's not a normal thing for me

So yes, my husband got his promotion over the weekend at ATC... I got to pin his rank on him and honestly I was just so very, very proud of him and this accomplishment. He's had a lot to deal with the past year alone, nevermind all that he's done for the past 12 years of his military career... so yes, VERY PROUD!!

Pinning on Rank... Stomp on E6, Punch on E7...  HAHA

Capt. Szymanski told me to give him a handshake, kiss and hug... 

hehe.. little awkward when J's at Attention!!!

Capt. Szymanski congratulating J...

  ... It was nice to be able to be included in the pinning ceremony!! I just can't say enough about how proud I am of him...

We had the military ball this weekend too... Yup, I had to be all kinda dressed up and girly! I think I shocked a few people... Yes people I do wear makeup occasionally and can wear heels...

Doesn't he look just amazing in his dress uniform... Yum!! 

We did have a few pretty major catastrophic to avert over the weekend.. 1) very little sleep all weekend starting with a 3AM wake up call on Friday so we could be in San Antonio to get my ID renewed, get a new Army Polo for him and his rank changed on his uniform. 2) me having too much to drink on the river walk. 3) forgetting his garment bag at home that contained his pants and accessories.  All averted and all ended well... 

All kinda sexy on the drive home...