... comfort food... nice bubble bath... spa day... something!! OMG something!! I've been doing so well the last few months, or at least I think I have - and even this week I've handled a lot of stuff better than I thought possible - Enough is seriously enough though!!
Week started ok, J was willing to talk about my appt I had scheduled for Monday, even if we didn't discuss too in-depth (other than a few questions he wanted answers for) and he seemed a little disappointed to realize that he wouldn't be able to go with me.
Monday went to appt... I was fine dealing with the waiting room full of infants, toddlers and varying stages of pregnancy... I was fine dealing with the nurse who got a little stressed out with my lack of normal period and asking what was wrong with me (she was new)... I was even fine when the nurses tried to brush off my desire to discuss infertility again with my doc, even though that was what I called to schedule. I struggled a little once in the room while waiting patiently for the doc to show up because I could hear the sounds of a woman in the next room over being VERY excited to hear the heartbeat of her infant, I struggled but ultimately smiled to hear that beautiful sound myself through the walls... my eyes might have slightly teared up, but it was still a beautiful sound! I came back to work slightly saddened by the news that the only options open to me currently are Clomid/Femera or IUI trigger shots, both of which my husband has expressed displeasure with using, unless I want to put off TTC for a few months to see if a few other types of hormone therapy that are meant to help with regulation as well as stopping any chance of pregnancy might work. Rest of the day passed very slowly and painfully as I was given multiple reminders that I don't have a living child...
Tuesday was better... although again I had reminders battering at my walls, trying to tear down my strength... and reluctantly I finally succumbed to a very fitful sleep after receiving no response from my husband for physical comfort or intimacies...
Wednesday passed much the same as Tuesday, although keeping despair at bay was a little more difficult without a good nights sleep - I went home to an empty house, waiting patiently on a husband that works seemingly later and later each week. I passed the time watching TV, settling in for a few shows that were supposed to be feel good kinds but ended up breaking my heart a little to see when each one showed a newborn infant coming into the world and mommy/daddy having this look of awe or indescribable love/devotion maybe... off to bed to cry a little into my pillows and again sleep very poorly...
Now for Today... Today all I've wanted to do was not think of children, but it wasn't in the cards!! I've been shocked, not once, not twice, but 3 times today with people around me and that I work with being pregnant... I seriously am struggling with this, I think most of it is due to not knowing where we'll be in a few months, where my husband will be... I don't think I can handle another year of waiting, I don't know that I can handle even another few months... I mean I will, if it's required but the truth is that with each new hit, another crack forms in what strength I am relying on to carry me through this indeterminate wait...
Just a few more days, I can do this for a few more days... I can, I must...
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