Ok so all day today I've been in a relatively good mood, and my mood even got better when my husband told me that he talked to the Doc about sperm testing... then I get off work and talk to him - it's like the Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde... and I'm still hot under the collar!!!
He wanted me to go by the store and pick up a few things - I do, no problem... then I ask what's for dinner and his answer "Food..." well no shit sherlock, and instantly my temper goes through the damned roof but I calmly ask what kinda food... apparently he thinks this is a game, unfortunately I'm not in a mood to play but he is so his reply is "The kind you eat..." - I'm still not amused and I threaten to hang up... silence reins for a few minutes while I try desperately to check my temper, although it does no good cause I'm still pissed when I open my mouth to ask yet again what we're having and I get the same answer of 'Food'...
NEXT DAMNED TOPIC!!!
Somehow we get onto the topic of horses after discussing a few things about my convo with my dad... this is not a good topic either given that I desperately want him to be interested in my one real passion but that'll never happen, I'm just wasting wishes. Anyway, he gets all lippy about how if I mess with any horse other than Dakota (the horse I bought with the intentions of J hopefully getting interested in horses and maybe riding with me) that he'll be pissed off and blah blah blah... silence ensues and again I'm looking for a change in topic, but I decide I'm close enough to my no cell signal zone and off the phone I go...
Get home - he keeps looking at me like he wants to say something but doesn't. He has dinner plans, steak and potatoes and pasta... holy jeez loads of carbs but hey he's cooking so whatever... I season steaks, help with pasta, and desperately try to hold onto my temper... although for the life of me I still haven't understood why I'm all of a sudden so volatile... we sit down on our couch like every night to eat, still he's casting these looks at me like he's got something on his mind!! Out the topic finally comes... apparently I'm spending too much time online and these "boxes" (what he calls laptops) need to be trashed?? Ok.. whatever!!! He's on his laptop as much if not more than I'm on mine plus he watching so much damned TV that he has most commercials memorized along with the Guide!! I cast glances at my screen while he's talking, not because I''m not paying attention to him, but because the last couple of weeks my focus hasn't been the greatest and every little thing catches my attention and ooops I'm not sure what I was doing 2 seconds ago... He gets LIVID... PISSED... shuts my laptop, and rails at me for paying attention to it when he's talking to me. Meanwhile, he's casting glances at the TV every few minutes?? WTF?!??! Break down in communication apparently is why we have so many other issues, granted that's probably true, but it's got a lot to do with his attitude about things!! He doesn't want me to walk out again, fine - I don't want that either, but if he'd just be understanding and not so damn belittling when he drinks there wouldn't be as much hostility and unwillingness to compromise on my part ... somehow the convo drifts to babies (WORSE TOPIC EVER)... now I feel horrible for feeling anything or even for wanting to get this testing over with... I almost wanted to tell him that I want to just forget about TTC, EVER - at this point I just want to forget about this horrible heartache called M/C, I wish I could act like him and see that Blighted Ovum as nothing - - instead I see McKaylee... I see the potential, and I remember the horrible pain of this latest M/C and the horrible images of when I M/C'd my little girl... I feel so freaking alone in this pain, this emptiness... worse than anything was that I can't cry in front of him, it makes me feel so weak - but he starts to cry about how I'm blaming him for this M/C... WHEN THE FUCK DID I DO THAT!!!! Oh wait, when I told him what my OB/GYN told me - when I was told that all the blood work and testing for me was normal, but he needed to get tested... in other words he assumed I was blaming him!!
Jonathan hunny, if I could\ remove all the guilt and regret that I have concerning each M/C and place it on your shoulders, that would be awesome - HEAVEN... If I could trade places mentally with you, I'd do it in a heartbeat to get away from this unending heartbreak... If I could make you feel even a 1/10th of what I feel when you say the shit that you said tonight, I'd... what... be that much lighter...
I'm sorry for anyone else that reads this - but I can't even begin to describe this situation in a good light, I love my husband with all of my heart and soul... I just wish that he could live in my head just one day when he goes off on his little tangents about how baby crazy I am and how I use M/C as a crutch/excuse for all of my actions... I have gone through 3 confirmed M/C's alone, I stressed for weeks before telling him because I don't want him to ever feel like I trapped him or forced a child on him, I've tried so hard to keep from pestering him about kids, lived through multiple excuses for waiting, and overall just tried to keep from letting him in on all the pain of suffering a M/C. In his mind, we peed on a stick and some miracle happens that we're no longer normal... in his mind, until you see the developed fetus and hear the heartbeat it's not real...
Worse still - He wounded me with his comments, and I fired back... so now that ensuing silence that began on the phone is now in the house, I want to take back the mean sniping comments... but even now I know that I'd say the same things again, or worse just to dominate, just to wound him... just because he doesn't understand my pain, my hurt, my feelings of absolute loss... just because I endured another M/C alone to spare him!! Now I wish the anger was still there, it's better than the sorrow... I'm getting a bottle of wine and going outside, maybe seeing God's wonder in the stars aided by the miracle of fermented grapes will help resolve this ache...
No comments:
Post a Comment