Pride and Prejudice Abridged

Okay so anyone that knows me, knows I'm addicted to the classic by Jane Austen "Pride and Prejudice"... It's my go to book, and I'm constantly hunting for the latest in what is considered Prequels or Sequels to this book even just different variations of the same story... this is the shortest version I've ever had the privilege to read and I can't help but laugh every time!! Enjoy...

Marsha Altman's Pride and Prejudice Abridged

(Meryton Assembly)
DARCY: She is tolerable; but not enough to tempt me.
ELIZABETH: Excuse me!
DARCY (remembering he’s a gentleman): Excuse me. I did not realize you were listening in this relatively small ballroom, depending on the adaptation.
ELIZABETH: I was.
DARCY: I really am sorry. (Notices she’s cute) Listen, my friend dragged me to this, and I don’t like assemblies, and I’m in a bad mood over this family thing. Can we start over?
ELIZABETH: Hmm. What a reasonable thing to say. All right.

(Jane gets sick at Netherfield. Elizabeth goes to Netherfield, bumps elbows with Darcy.)
ELIZABETH: So you are picky about the women you date, as is probably the thing a rich man with many fortune hunters on his coattail would be?
DARCY: Yes. I like intelligent women who read a lot. Do you read a lot?
ELIZABETH: Yes.
DARCY: Awesome.

(Elizabeth meets Wickham.)
WICKHAM: … And those are all the reasons that Darcy sucks.
ELIZABETH: I’m tempted to believe you, man I just met and has no established reputation – as opposed to Mr. Darcy, whom I have known longer and is established to be a respectable gentleman – for no particular reason that I can see, should be verified by least one other person.
WICKHAM: …
ELIZABETH: I know! Mr. Darcy wouldn’t say anything good, but Mr. Bingley thinks the best of everyone. I’ll ask him if he knows Wickham.

(At another meeting)
ELIZABETH: Blah blah blah. Do you know Mr. Wickham?
BINGLEY: That guy? Oh, for the good of society, Darcy went out of his way to tell me what a devious man he was. He even told my sisters. Let me explain…
ELIZABETH: Hmm. Wickham can’t back up his story. Well, maybe I should take it with a grain – maybe a pound – of salt.

(After the Netherfield Ball)
MISS BINGLEY: We must away to London at once!
BINGLEY: Why?
MISS BINGLEY: The Bennets are nothing more than scheming chits!
BINGLEY: Well, technically, they’re gentry, and we’re little more than middle class until I buy an estate. Darcy?
DARCY (stops daydreaming about Elizabeth): Their mother is detestable and their sisters little more.
BINGLEY: Well, am I marrying the hot, sweet girl I love or the mother? Or the sisters?
DARCY: Oh right. Yeah, um… let’s give it another week or two. Until it gets really cold. You know.
(Bingley gets the hint that Jane isn’t timid and marries her.)
DARCY: Well, have to run. Family stuff.

(Kent)
ELIZABETH: Mr. Darcy!
DARCY: Miss Bennet!
ELIZABETH: What are you doing here?
DARCY: You know how you have to hang around with annoying relatives during the holidays?
ELIZABETH: Oh, right.
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM: And I’m his cousin! Darcy is so awesome. And dreamy.
DARCY: Shut up, plot device character who exists solely for us to have a reason to awkwardly flirt. (To Elizabeth) Marry me?
ELIZABETH: Yes!

(The double wedding)
VICOR: Do you take ––
AUNT CATHERINE: No! This cannot be! Darcy, you must marry your cousin, which I will remind first-time high school readers is an acceptable custom at this time period!
DARCY: Hmm. Maybe me not marrying her for the past five years hasn’t been enough of a sign. Well, this will be. I do.
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM: No! Jane!
JANE: Who are you?
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM: I’m the guy who’s like Bingley, only less dorky and with no money to support you, whom many people think you should marry because I was cast well in the BBC miniseries!
BINGLEY: Hey! I’m a lovable dork.
JANE: And I’ve never even met this guy.
ELIZABETH: And isn’t the whole principle behind your character, aside from spreading good and bad gossip about Darcy, is that you need to marry rich?
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM: True love will show the way!
DARCY: I call F*&k with Canon. Anyone?
BINGLEY: Totally.
JANE: Who is this guy?
(Colonel Fitzwilliam is thrown out of the church, and everyone is married and lives happily ever after.)