Friends... Do I really have to be happy for you??

So to sum things up, the last few days I've wanted nothing more than to crawl in a hole and sleep till all of the people I know currently that are preg or have spouses that are preg have had said baby... I don't want to hear about how excited they are, how excited their family is, how each doc visit goes wonderful, that everything is progressing perfect... I don't wanna hear about the baby kicking or anything like that...
So do I really have to be happy for you?? Can't I just hate you...

What brought this on... this hateful nature, I think it comes from one of my best friends telling me that his fiance is preg!! I was fine with my co-worker (well relatively fine anyways) being about the same progression I should have been, I was fine with some of my old classmates that are just now preg for the first time or having their (2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...) next child... hell I was even somewhat ok when my lovely niece (who less than a year ago gave birth to a beautiful little boy) thought she was preg again and didn't wanna be...  Why does he affect me??  I can't decide if it's because I feel like the one person who I knew I wouldn't have to face the monsters in my head with is now in fact a monster breeder!!! That sounds so mean, I even tried to explain to him a little but I'm sure I sounded like a horrible sniping witch... but he's one of those guys that seems to understand regardless which makes me feel even more like a heel!! I know some part of me is happy for him and even excited, part of me wants to be tortured apparently too cause I can't help but be curious about all aspects!! It's just not fair... it's not fair that I can't cope better... it's not fair that I couldn't be feeling a little foot in my ribs right now, or doing a tap-dance on my bladder... do I sound a little off my rocker??? I can't control the desire to be sad or angry sometimes, and when I can't I feel like it's taking over... All the testing should have been completed by now, but it's not, J's dragging his feet on it... that makes me a little sad too?? I don't know how to deal with that because shouldn't he want to make sure anything medical like I do might be causing the issue?? UGH!! I can't talk to him... it's too draining...

I don't want to lose another child... 3 medically confirmed and at least 2 others that I usually refuse to admit to because they weren't medically confirmed or even tested at all is more than enough for me to steer clear of that pain for a while... I don't even have an ultrasound picture!!! I can't bury them, I wasn't given the chance to rejoice in them, or really grieve... but for your sake I'll put that away just like I do with everyone else, I'll put on a smiling face and act like everything is perfect... There - I'm happy again, my world isn't tilting off it's axis, and everyone that sees me will get the impression that my life is perfect...