Officially..

Officially... I am not pregnant... still...
Officially... I'm slipping back into my mode of being unhappy in my marriage...
Officially... I am struggling again to communicate...
Officially... I'm wanting to strike out and make EVERYONE as miserable as I am some days...

Officially... I'm unsure of what to do anymore...

I just really don't?? Yesterday I started, unexpectedly heavy too... then this morning I woke up feeling like I was reliving my miscarriage, I felt sick over it and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball!! Literally, I had these crazy pains in my back and lower abdomen, it felt horrible and finally after about 15 minutes of trying to calm down to determine if it was just my imagination or not I started actually feeling like I was going to throw up... so off the bathroom I go to deal with feeling all of that craziness alone, again... crawled back to bed and just didn't want to even think about waking up again...eventually I came too again but I have a headache and really just want to hibernate for a while, well actually I'd like to go get a massage but that idea was effectively squashed (financial reasons) which is why I'm slipping and struggling with the above as well as wanting to strike out... I know I need to talk, but to what end?? I'll say something about the drinking and smoking (which btw is about $100 a month easily I'd say) but all that will happen with that is he'll get mad, then I might say something about how he's still flagged and how we don't know anything definite about anything... that comment will stir up other issues... I could bring up the hunting and mounts, but he'll start in about how I have mounts too and we got to spend time together doing something we enjoyed... BS - he got to do something he enjoyed and while I enjoyed it, it's not something that I enjoy if he's not involved... mention horses and he grumbles, mention hikes or something like that and he grumbles, mention going to a  football game other than the Kansas City Chiefs and it's grumbling then too... basically mention anything that isn't exactly what he likes to do and he grumbles, which means I step back and don't pursue it... Whatever, I'm still a coward and still scared of saying anything when he has put his foot down... why I'm like that with him, I don't know?!? I'm so tired of it...