Past Rememberances...

Today I decided to hunt for my written journal that I had started last year and abandoned shortly after my M/C... I found it and tears found me...

Jan 1, 2011

I'm glad 2010 is over.. already wish '11 was over too! This year already seems bad.. No Job.. Truck is jacked up.. a million other things that I'm hoping straighten out or I'm going to be in a padded room or a coffin one..

My heart is broken with no signs of repair anytime soon... my soul and spirit are heavy... Worse though is due to all the things added up, I feel like I'm letting down the ones I love most?!

Jan 2, 2011

J's 30th birthday... (I felt bad that we didn't have much in the way of money since I'd lost my job so I couldn't do the things I wanted.)

Jan 6, 2011

Counseling today... didn't know if I was looking forward to it or not? (We'd start marriage counseling... it was our first session and I was very upset with J over things) Still feel out of sorts with it... 1st off our homework so to speak is to basically compare our spouses current traits, positive and negative, to our role models.. Not an easy Task!! Of course neither was what she asked during session - "Tell me why you feel in love? What is the current issue? Why do you feel this way?" - J spoke up a lot talking about a wide variety of things... surprised me!

Jan 10, 2011

Weekend at Mom's and it actually gave me a lot to think about... Strange!! I see a weird pattern... not only with myself but w/ J, w/ Makeesha, and even w/ the rest of the family... compared to J's family we are all VERY close, VERY connected!! Not just physically but also on a deeper level... I realize a lot from this weekend such as why I act how I do? I've always known that 'Nurture vs Nature' was a real thing but it's strangely evident  to me today?

Another thing made itself known too - I was actually glad to be back home, a first in a good long while... things were really nice here... 

Mar 11, 2011

2 months since I last wrote... Wow!! Not for lack of time or want - I think maybe just lazy?? Things have gotten better in ways though and I am impressed some days with J's behavior... Other days are harder!! Some days he's sweet and kind, affectionate... Mitzi and Derek even notice and have made multiple comments about how different he is some days... but again others - I'm just glad that those days seem to be on the lower end of the spectrum instead of higher!!

I can't complain too much though...

Areas that have improved are obvious... affection and sweet/kind words rather than cuts and the like... I think he's also maybe realized a few things that are making life easier - definitely less egg shells!! I still wish he didn't drink as much!! 12 pack on the weekend (as he promised) is still closer to a case... smoking isn't improved... and he still doesn't see how spiteful, argumentative and cruel he can be... Nor does he seem to realize that temper/anger issue all the time?? But small steps...??

April 15, 2011

Today I turned 30!! Yikes... 

(I documented my birthday party so to speak, along with the treasure hunt for my gifts... and the good news about jobs and the like...)

May 11, 2011

I don't know what to say... call came today for me to go do two things - 1: take a pregnancy test, 2: then a blood test... waiting on results... 

I'm scared!! Terrified and more...

May 12, 2011

Positive - 2nd Trimester possibly... OMG - how am I going to tell Jonathan!!

I have the U/S on the 1st and I hope that J goes... stressed, scared...

May 25, 2011

So... I pulled the same trick J did for my B-Day to tell him... went & got stuffed bear and a few other things, set clues and he followed the trail, he said he was happy...? IDK though... I wanted to cry cause it just was such a relief - and he's going with me on the 1st!! I'm happy and all day have felt less stressed and panicked... I wish that he'd come out of his shell more and tell me what he's thinking... wish I wasn't sitting here wondering about his thoughts all the time! Specially now, specially when I want to know all about what he thinks of all this.. Ugh!!

Love- you keep asking what I'm writing... you should know... the one thing that for the next few months will be my primary focus - silly boy... I'm pregnant with your child... my world suddenly seems very difficult to expand beyond the widening part of my mid-section!! I'm finally free to be truly happy and not concerned about your reaction (well as long as I take just your words from last night) to all of this... so... as long as I don't think about the bad things that could happen, so scared of anything happening but right now I'm just trying to remain up beat because positive thinking is the best right? I just want to share everything but I don't want to go overboard with you... ugh... so hard to balance this... I know it's only been a few days but like you, I've had a passing thought of 'maybe' here and there... only I didn't want to know for sure in case =  somethings are better left never knowing for sure than to have it taken from you!! I guess this way it's been nice because everything is saying "good" without me having time to be overly worried about anything other than telling you... 2nd trimester... I hope everything is right!!

Letter to my baby:

Sweet baby... you have been dreamed of and wished for... desired and longed for... as long as God continues to allow you to grow and be healthy, I will cherish each emotion and sensation!

There is nothing I regret about your presence, and you've already migrated into my heart and soul... I know time will go by so fast but right now it seems like it can't go by fast enough and later I'll be wishing that time would stand still so I'll try to refrain from wishing time to go faster and just enjoy all the experiences as they come...

The very idea of you has healed parts of my heart and soul that I've worried wouldn't ever heal... and it makes the relationship with your father interesting!! He's already worried about how much I eat and threatening an IV... I love him very much and it has been a struggle our entire relationship to continue to do so... But he'll be an awesome dad... I can't wait to see you with him... 

You are my secret garden that only I can see or feel... for now...

June 1, 2011

Black Void... that's all it is... just an empty spot where my child should have been... I don't know what to think or say or do...

Jonathan... I'm sorry - I should have waited to tell you... should have waited to tell anyone... I knew better than to get my hopes up!!

June 2, 2011

"M/C" started at about midnight... didn't really end till about 4... horrible... I was really hoping to sleep through most of it again or at least the Aleve would help more!! I think my back muscles hurt more than anything... no work today other than stuff around the house maybe...

Mitzi and the kids went to lunch with me and now I'm cooking dinner for them cause they helped paint and stuff... Not been thinking about it other than when I have a bad cramp! Still remember J's face when the black void appeared... it wasn't good to me... I wish he'd talk to me about it - i don't want him to get upset if I'm talking about it when he doesn't want too?! Love you baby... I'm sorry!!

June 3, 2011

I still don't know what to feel or think 1st of all... went a little crazy on J last night - poor guy didn't deserve that but then I don't feel I deserved the tone or manner that he answered me with!

I wanted to know where his thoughts were so finally I asked after everyone left... "Disappointed" was all I got? Somehow that doesn't seem right... Disappointed is what I was when you didn't immediately want to celebrate - although maybe you did but like me wanted to wait to see if everything was ok 1st? And I would understand that... but hell I had to ask if you were happy because you didn't seem like you were... Disappointed is also the 1st emotion that hit me when I saw the black void... but that was overshadowed so much by how worried I was about how you would be... and also by this huge feeling of extreme loss... Disappointment is so minor of an emotion to me currently that it doesn't even fit!! But regardless if disappointment is all you feel babe... then why get so upset actin when I said/asked about 'trying'? Why did that get the bigger reaction??

June 3rd was the last entry in that journal... I couldn't stand to write in it anymore... couldn't stand to document any more of the hurt I was feeling until I picked back up writing on here...
June 1st is fast approaching and every day my heart feels more and more unsure of where I stand... I can read the words I wrote then now and my eyes stay dry, but just barely... J asked me what I was doing and I handed him the letter, I watched him read the words twice then he handed it back silently - what are you thinking love?? Why won't you talk to me still after almost a year... I still need you, need your support, need your love and communication on this, but still you are silent...

Today's Headlines..

Have you noticed how often recently the news shows/papers are reporting people killing/kidnapping small children these days?? Just so strange.. there are so many people that wish they could have a child, and here is someone killing theirs or kidnapping someone elses child... tragic!!

I wonder sometimes if there is a chance that I could ever be that type of individual who could be driven to stealing a child from someone else?? or kill a child?? And what is in the minds of these individuals that are doing these things?? I would like to think that I'm above them, that I'm better... that I could never harm a child by taking it from it's loving parents, or killing them... but then I think how hard I struggle some days with my despair over losing a child via M/C. Is there a possibility that at some point I could just snap and suffer a mental break down to the point where I lose enough of my moral compass and do something so horrendous?? I pray every day that I see something like that on the news that I never go that far into my grief, but there are days like yesterday and today were I struggle so hard to not HATE individuals that have children without dealing with some form of struggle.. those that are children themselves having children, or drug/alcohol dependent individuals that seem to fall pregnant just being in the same room with a male, or even those that are good people but just seem to have such easy pregnancies... I hate them all some days, and what's worse is I hate myself and my husband right along with hating them...
I watched an episode of Private Practice the other night where one of the characters is pregnant, she had been in rehab for drugs prior to this episode and was questioning whether what was wrong with her baby was because of what she'd done. Her child was perfectly normal physically, but had no brain... I wanted to cry, scream, rage at the TV when one of the other actors told her that it wasn't her fault!! No, technically it could have happened regardless of the drugs, but it could have been because of her drug usage as well... we'll never know the why's of any problem like that.  People are just so damned irresponsible... every single thing you do has an effect, it has a consequence... that effect, that consequence may not show up immediately, might not show up ever or it could appear in the worst way imaginable...

Anyways all of this has been weighing so heavy on my mind/heart/soul that I don't know what to do with it... So many of my friends are having children or have already had all that they want, family is getting older and we're slowly losing more of them to old age and death... I'm frustrated with waiting for my child, and frustrated seeing others have them but totally disregard that precious life... I'm tired of living life seemingly half-fulfilled...

Numerology Compatibility

 This is actually so fitting for me and my husband... crazy!!!

 

Compatibility for:

11: Stephenie Ann Lindsey

4: Jonathan David Raymond

A combo of Lifepath Numbers 11 and 4 is a powerful one. While a 11 is generally sensitive and intuitive, the 4 is grounded and practical. This combination of extremes means relationship balance: the 11 and the 4 are not just complemented, but strengthened, by each other. That makes this one of the best number combinations. The two were probably drawn together to fill what each thought was missing in their lives, and mutually admire each other. But the 11 and 4 need to watch out for misunderstanding -- 11 can be annoyed when 4's practical view of life overshadows romance. 4 doesn't always understand 11's emotional consciousness. But when all is said and done - and this is the key to any healthy, stable and enjoyable relationship - this occasional lack of understanding becomes a minor issue in an otherwise perfect balance of human qualities. The differences will bring balance to the relationship, instead of destroying it.

Numerology Report

Birth Name: Stephenie Ann Lindsey

Date of Birth: April 15, 1981

The best place to start is with one of the most basic calculations ... your "life path" -- based on your birth date of April 15, 1981 -- is 11.

How Is Your Life Path Calculated ?

This is calculated in four steps:

Add up the digits in your year of birth.
Your year of birth is 1981. Adding 1 + 9 + 8 + 1 gives us 19. Adding 1 + 9 gives us 10. Adding 1 + 0 gives us 1

 Add up the digits in your day of birth (if more than one digit).
Your day of birth is the 15th. Adding 1 + 5 gives us 6

 Add up the digits in your month of birth (if more than one digit)
Your month of birth is April, which is the 4th month. As 4 is a single digit, there's nothing to add here.

 Add up the answers from (1), (2), and (3) above.
The totals, then, are 4, 6, and 1. To get our final answer, we add these three numbers together to give us 11: Note that we do not add the two digits 11 because 11 is known as a Master Number

What Does Your ‘11’ Life Path Say About You, Stephenie?

You are probably a fairly well educated person who is still looking for answers when it comes to spirituality. One of the character traits of a number 11 is to look far and wide for lofty spiritual answers when often the answer is right underneath your nose....

Stephenie, your Life Path of 11 ...

You are what is known as a master number. The number 11 is the symbol of the spiritual seeker. Your purpose in this life time is to achieve enlightenment. Sometimes this is done by finding a teacher and other times it is a matter of experiencing an number of negative situations that are designed to rid you of toxic emotional connections and clear your karma. If you are a number eleven and seem to be having a rough time then keep in mind that is typical of your number to experience a life filled with mysterious losses and either very fortunate or unfortunate twists of fate.

Stephenie, part of your trying experiences is the cosmos' way of pushing you into finding the spiritual awareness that you need to elevate your soul. The number 11 path is often called the Path of Extremist simply because you lead a life filled with so many highs and lows. You are often like two people. One life is your public life in which you might appear as an eccentric or unusual character and the other is your secret life, which is obsessed with finding the answers to eternal questions.

You are probably a fairly well educated person who is still looking for answers when it comes to spirituality. One of the character traits of a number 11 is to look far and wide for lofty spiritual answers when often the answer is right underneath your nose. As number 11's can be quite snobbish or proud of their status as a spiritual seeker the universe often presents them with many lessons that serve to challenge their pride.

You probably don't fit into society very well and have to do a lot of pretending and acting to survive in a normal job or relationship. You have unusual tastes and may have a bohemian character that is very interested in the new and avant-garde. Your broad-minded point of view and permissiveness with morals makes you lots of enemies and friends alike.

If there is one thing that your friends find frustrating about you it is that you are a bit of a fence sitter. Your ability to see so many angles of a situation often causes you to be indecisive or not to act at all. For this reason many 11's often let opportunities in life pass them by. They are so focused on being visionaries that they forget to pay attention to small practical details.

Your sharp intuition and rich understanding of both spirituality and human nature makes you the perfect spiritual counselor. Even if this is not your profession you have probably noticed that others naturally seek out your guidance and advice during a crisis.

You are a very idealistic individual and envision a world in which everyone is equal. For this reason you somewhat dislike the idea of relationships as they mean that one human should be more exclusive to you than another. One of your highest spiritual qualities is to make everyone that you meet feel like they are special and a soul mate.

If you are an 11, it is also typical for the needs of your personality to be in constant conflict with the direction of your higher self. You have probably noticed that you get away with a lot less than other numbers. For instance if you do a bad deed, the resulting bad karma seems more immediate. This is because your path is a path of retribution that is about the negation of the self to allow the higher self to be divinely inspired by a higher power.

Your Expression Number

Your Expression - which describes your potential natural talents and abilities - works out to be a 11.  

How Is Your Expression Calculated?

What we are going to do now is turn all the letters in your name at birth into numbers, using the following chart : 

In practice I put the vowels above the name and the consonants underneath. This is because your Soul Urge is derived from the vowels alone, so it makes it easier at the next step to do it this way.

Again there is one exception to the rule and this is with the letter ‘Y’. If it acts as a consonant and is pronounced it is classed as being a consonant. If it is not pronounced or acts as a vowel it is classed as being a vowel. The ‘Y’ in Yolande, for instance, would be classed as being a consonant, but the ‘Y’ in Larry would be classed as being a vowel as it acts as a vowel. 

Let’s work out your Expression number, Stephenie :

Using the above chart we would put a '1' below the 'S' in your first name. We would follow this with a 2 placed below the 't', then a 5 above the 'e', a 7 below the 'p', and so on...

We then carry on in the same manner with the rest of your name. When you are finished, you should end up with a chart like this:

Now we simply add up the numbers in each row.

The top row: 5 + 5 + 9 + 5 + 1 + 9 + 5 = 39

The bottom row: 1 + 2 + 7 + 8 + 5 + 5 + 5 + 3 + 5 + 4 + 1 + 7 = 53.

We now add the total of the top and bottom rows, which gives us 39+53=92. Adding 9 + 2 gives us 11

And so, Stephenie, your Expression is 11.

What a Number '11' Expression Says About You Stephenie

Given all of your talents, it is paramount that you use your powers for good. Your keen perception of others and analytical abilities often give you a natural edge over others when it comes to professional relationships....

Stephenie, your Expression of 11 ...
Your Potential Natural Talents and Abilities

You are a master number, which means that you are more concerned with ideals and ethics, rather than practical or materialistic issues. Your preoccupation with the divine can sometimes make you appear a bit bizarre or spacey to others. However as you are usually recognized as a genius from a very young age, your personal quirks are often forgiven.

Stephenie, your exceptional intelligence and ability to spend hours by yourself was probably noticed when you were a young child. As an adult your probably still spend a great deal of time alone in the world of your incredible imagination. Your verbal and written skills are excellent and you have a keen analytical mind. Your brilliance often allows you to achieve scholastic excellence. You have many of the aspects of the other numbers and could be a great teacher, inventor, scientist or artist. However many of you choose a more off beat path in life as it is learning about the odd or the exceptional that excites you the most.

Perhaps the greatest achievement for your number is in the mastery of some kind of spiritual practice occult science. You are incredibly intuitive and many of you practice some form of divination. You may experience mysterious connections to others as well as prophetic dreams. As you are so intelligent, sometimes your curiosity leads you down taboo or forbidden paths. As you were so smart as a child you may have been left out of normal social groups. This makes you more vulnerable than other numbers to joining a cult or being influenced by a religious leader.

Sometimes you are also a very defensive person as you bitterly resent those who don't understand you or can't keep up with you. Being left out of things can become a chronic pattern for you if you are not careful. Some elevens feel so powerless in social situations that they are tempted to use metaphysical means to gain power over others.

Given all of your talents, it is paramount that you use your powers for good. Your keen perception of others and analytical abilities often give you a natural edge over others when it comes to professional relationships. However in personal relationships, elevens often appear emotionally detached to loved ones who feel manipulated by them.

Many elevens are so eccentric that they can't hold down a job. In most of these cases however they seem to find someone to take care of them so they can pursue their mental and creative interests.

You have the potential to thrive in the business world but you probably prefer a more unconventional lifestyle that gives you the room to explore your various interests. Travel and history are two subjects that greatly interest you and you feel spiritually recharged when visiting a holy or mystical place in the world.

As you are so brilliant you can also appear as a bit too eccentric to others. This may express it self in your manner of dress or where you live. As you think in the long term the future of humanity is always on your mind so you are thrifty with your resources and probably active in some kind of charity or ecological organization.

You are capable of being a good parent but as you see relationships as a process, as opposed to a goal, you may opt to have several "soul mates" during your life. It is often an eleven who is the parent of several children by different spouses. However you are a good provider and excel at managing an extended family.

Now, Let's Examine Your Soul Urge
(also known as your "Heart's Desire")

Stephenie, your Soul Urge of 3 ...
 

What You Desire To Be, To Have, and To Do In Your Life

Your soul urge is about the cultivation and expression of your personality. Usually this energy manifests as a great achievement in the theatrical or artistic world. You shine at any kind of activity that involves public performance including acting, singing or politics. In fact, you love performing so much that you would do it for free. Exhibiting your talents is second nature for you although many of you also develop lucrative careers from doing so as well.

Stephenie, if your talents are not developed it seems that your unique soul urge may also manifest itself in lesser ways such as the development of a beautiful speaking voice, a distinctive way of dressing or a talent for being the perfect host or hostess. You don't necessarily care who or how many people you make an impact on. If an opportunity presents itself where you can be the center of attention than you will take advantage of it.

Perhaps your biggest asset is your rich imagination. This is your inner treasure chest from which you find the solutions to all of your problems and every body else's as well. You also have an incredible knack for story telling and mesmerizing others with your tales. You adore the innocence of children and nothing makes your heart happier than the sound of a child's laughter.

However your tendency towards non-stop chatter sometimes works against you as others perceive it as self-centered or a way of stealing focus. Also you are so clever with words that it may be hard for others to ever win an argument with you or even get a word in edgewise. As a result, you may often be left behind or not invited to engage in discussion at all.

You really don't handle rejection well and if you can't get the approval you crave you have a natural tendency to retreat into your own little world. Isolation is very unhealthy for you, as your imagination tends to distort situations and create paranoia and suspicion where it need not exist. Rather than sulk about a professional or relationship set back your best course of action is to pick yourself up and try again. If depression still persists then you need to throw a pail of cold water over your burning ego by going out and doing a deliberate act of charity or philanthropy for those who are less fortunate than you do. Only this will truly serve the higher calling of your soul and have you viewing the world through rose colored glasses again.

A great sense of humor is also one of your greatest assets and if you were a doctor you would heal by helping others to "laugh themselves well." You can't bear pessimistic people or persons that take life too seriously and will go to great lengths to lighten up sober types up. A drawback of this is that sometimes others perceive you as saying inappropriate things or not respecting the belief or wishes of another. One of your challenges in life is to recognize that there is a critic in every crowd.

However, no critic could ever be as hard on you as you are with yourself. As you are a perfectionist and a master of timing and delivery, you take it very hard if for some reason you miss an opportunity. This is because you set standards and expectations of yourself that are very high. It is hard for you to realize that your low are most other people's highs and that the best remedy for feelings of failure is to count your blessings.

The Vow...

Went to see "The Vow" last night with a friend and her daughter- it was a very good movie, very touching... really made you want to examine your own relationship to see if you stack up against theirs in a way.  Do you think that your relationship could withstand that type of situation?? To go through months of the unknown?? To end the relationship even though you want to fight for it just because it might be the best thing at the time?? To love someone still, even though you don't know if they'll ever remember you or your relationship?? It really puts things in perspective...
I have offered my own husband a free pass once because I thought it might eventually save our relationship from ruin, and for a time it did seem to help, however ultimately I think it made things worse because then it was something that he could bring back up as a form of evidence that I didn't love him the way he thought you should love your spouse.  Problem with his logic is that I honestly believe I love him more than he loves me.. I only offered that as a way to make him happy!? It took almost 3 years for him to understand the offer for what it was.. 3 years and several counseling sessions.. and I still wonder if he understands what it is to love someone so much that you'd be willing to break your own heart, to crush your own dreams, to pretend to be ok with a decision that you know will make them happy.. I pray to never find out that I'm right, that I do love him more than he loves me, I hope I'm wrong.. I pray that the trials we've already been burdened with have made us strong enough to survive anything else that could come our way..

Wreck this Journal...

So I've been on this kick... it's called Wreck This Journal - take a journal, spiral notebook, etc and literally wreck it in random imaginative ways... the goal is to have something that is not pristine, not perfect, something so unlike everything else you strive for in life...

Some of the rules I've just recently found that I'm just waiting to try out are:

1. Write something really, really important–all of your deepest, darkest thoughts–then take an x-acto knife to the page and carve out half of the words.
2. Do a really ugly drawing. (use ugly subject matter.)
3. Ask everyone you see during the course of a day to add anything to one page. This includes the counter clerk at the quick stop. See how full you can get the page.
4. Make a rainbow from cheap red, blue and yellow hairgel and splash it everywhere. 
5. open it up and snap it under your windshield wiper (if it’s small enough to not obstruct your vision!) and drive around on a summer night “catching bugs” 
6. Write “Dear (insert your name),” with your opposite hand. Look at it. See what strikes you. Then, continuing to use your opposite hand, write a very short letter to yourself. But be kind. 
7. Bite your journal. chew up a corner. or 4.
8. Draw and write whatever you feel like in your journal whilst very very angry/sad/annoyed
   then draw a pretty picture and paste it over the bad words :}
9. With your morning “made up” face, take a page and wipe it all over your face! Allow time to dry- may want to spray it with a layer of hair spray to keep it from smearing, and, or disappearing,
   write, scribble, whatever- every negative thought or thing you say about your face. Then HAVE FUN CROSSNG THEM OUT,- PAINTING OVER THEM, -USE A HOLE PUNCHER AND PUNCH THEM OFF THE PAPER—-anything you can think of to get rid of them-do it!

Family.. it's a love/hate thing!

This weekend was spent having a relatively wonderful visit with some of my mom's side of the family that aren't exactly close in location, but close in heart... My Aunt and Uncle from Tennessee that I always loved getting to visit with during the summer, and a Uncle and cousin from New Mexico... It was a good visit for the most part and I enjoyed my time with them... I even got to meet my newest cousins - the newborns of the family, which were absolutely precious even if I did have a bit of an issue being around them since I should have had my own newborn to add to the mix?? Not going to dwell on that though... not right now anyways!! One of the newborn's daddy is amazing to watch (and not because he's one of my favorite cousins) - I love his honesty and integrity and now I love seeing him with his little girl since the look on his face is beyond words!!
However... with every family and specially with every family gathering (or so it seems in my family) you have DRAMA... and Drama starts with a D, which BTW is the same letter that starts my sisters name!! And I know I complain about her all the time, but when you have someone as selfish as she is it's really hard to not complain about their behavior (maybe the fact that I complain is selfish too). Some days it's honestly hard to care at all for any of the "bad" things that happen to her, hard to even believe half of the things that she says.. one minute she's got some form of cancer, the next she's been miraculously cured. Yes that is an extreme example but it's a fitting one.. everything in her life is either on top of the world or being crushed by it, there is no in-between and it's incredibly hard to deal with in the best of circumstances. Her most recent roller coaster focuses on the boy toy guy that she dumped her husband of (we'll say) 20 years for, who is only a few years older than her oldest daughter, then she married him and has been trying to fulfill his twisted desires since - sadly enough he's just as immature, childish, and self-centered as my sister but at least he has his age to blame to some degree. This newest husband walks in and out of her life once or twice a year every year at about the same time for the same reasons and still she plays out these games with him, hoping he'll come back and stay!! It's sickening to watch... I hope one day that she'll wake up and realize that how she acts doesn't just affect her, it affects her entire family!!!

Temper Temper... my Irish is showing...

Ok so all day today I've been in a relatively good mood, and my mood even got better when my husband told me that he talked to the Doc about sperm testing... then I get off work and talk to him - it's like the Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde... and I'm still hot under the collar!!! 
He wanted me to go by the store and pick up a few things - I do, no problem... then I ask what's for dinner and his answer "Food..." well no shit sherlock, and instantly my temper goes through the damned roof but I calmly ask what kinda food... apparently he thinks this is a game, unfortunately I'm not in a mood to play but he is so his reply is "The kind you eat..."  - I'm still not amused and I threaten to hang up... silence reins for a few minutes while I try desperately to check my temper, although it does no good cause I'm still pissed when I open my mouth to ask yet again what we're having and I get the same answer of 'Food'...
NEXT DAMNED TOPIC!!!
Somehow we get onto the topic of horses after discussing a few things about my convo with my dad... this is not a good topic either given that I desperately want him to be interested in my one real passion but that'll never happen, I'm just wasting wishes.  Anyway, he gets all lippy about how if I mess with any horse other than Dakota (the horse I bought with the intentions of J hopefully getting interested in horses and maybe riding with me) that he'll be pissed off and blah blah blah... silence ensues and again I'm looking for a change in topic, but I decide I'm close enough to my no cell signal zone and off the phone I go...
Get home - he keeps looking at me like he wants to say something but doesn't. He has dinner plans, steak and potatoes and pasta... holy jeez loads of carbs but hey he's cooking so whatever... I season steaks, help with pasta, and desperately try to hold onto my temper... although for the life of me I still haven't understood why I'm all of a sudden so volatile... we sit down on our couch like every night to eat, still he's casting these looks at me like he's got something on his mind!! Out the topic finally comes... apparently I'm spending too much time online and these "boxes" (what he calls laptops) need to be trashed?? Ok.. whatever!!! He's on his laptop as much if not more than I'm on mine plus he watching so much damned TV that he has most commercials memorized along with the Guide!! I cast glances at my screen while he's talking, not because I''m not paying attention to him, but because the last couple of weeks my focus hasn't been the greatest and every little thing catches my attention and ooops I'm not sure what I was doing 2 seconds ago...  He gets LIVID... PISSED... shuts my laptop, and rails at me for paying attention to it when he's talking to me. Meanwhile, he's casting glances at the TV every few minutes?? WTF?!??!  Break down in communication apparently is why we have so many other issues, granted that's probably true, but it's got a lot to do with his attitude about things!! He doesn't want me to walk out again, fine - I don't want that either, but if he'd just be understanding and not so damn belittling when he drinks there wouldn't be as much hostility and unwillingness to compromise on my part ... somehow the convo drifts to babies (WORSE TOPIC EVER)... now I feel horrible for feeling anything or even for wanting to get this testing over with... I almost wanted to tell him that I want to just forget about TTC, EVER - at this point I just want to forget about this horrible heartache called M/C, I wish I could act like him and see that Blighted Ovum as nothing - - instead I see McKaylee... I see the potential, and I remember the horrible pain of this latest M/C and the horrible images of when I M/C'd my little girl... I feel so freaking alone in this pain, this emptiness... worse than anything was that I can't cry in front of him, it makes me feel so weak - but he starts to cry about how I'm blaming him for this M/C... WHEN THE FUCK DID I DO THAT!!!! Oh wait, when I told him what my OB/GYN told me - when I was told that all the blood work and testing for me was normal, but he needed to get tested... in other words he assumed I was blaming him!!

Jonathan hunny, if I could\ remove all the guilt and regret that I have concerning each M/C and place it on your shoulders, that would be awesome - HEAVEN... If I could trade places mentally with you, I'd do it in a heartbeat to get away from this unending heartbreak... If I could make you feel even a 1/10th of what I feel when you say the shit that you said tonight, I'd... what... be that much lighter...

I'm sorry for anyone else that reads this - but I can't even begin to describe this situation in a good light, I love my husband with all of my heart and soul... I just wish that he could live in my head just one day when he goes off on his little tangents about how baby crazy I am and how I use M/C as a crutch/excuse for all of my actions... I have gone through 3 confirmed M/C's alone, I stressed for weeks before telling him because I don't want him to ever feel like I trapped him or forced a child on him, I've tried so hard to keep from pestering him about kids, lived through multiple excuses for waiting, and overall just tried to keep from letting him in on all the pain of suffering a M/C.  In his mind, we peed on a stick and some miracle happens that we're no longer normal... in his mind, until you see the developed fetus and hear the heartbeat it's not real...

Worse still - He wounded me with his comments, and I fired back... so now that ensuing silence that began on the phone is now in the house, I want to take back the mean sniping comments... but even now I know that I'd say the same things again, or worse just to dominate, just to wound him... just because he doesn't understand my pain, my hurt, my feelings of absolute loss... just because I endured another M/C alone to spare him!!  Now I wish the anger was still there, it's better than the sorrow... I'm getting a bottle of wine and going outside, maybe seeing God's wonder in the stars aided by the miracle of fermented grapes will help resolve this ache...

"THE TRUTH IS..."

Thank you to a fellow blogger for bringing this to my attention...    "THE TRUTH IS..."
The truth ISN'T that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.

The truth IS that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.

The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.

The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.

The truth isn't that pills or alcohol will dull the pain.

The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if Your doctor feels that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it intelligently and according to his/her instructions.

The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same.

The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down, hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of how strong you are.

The truth isn't that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental instability.

The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will be over when all the work is done.

The truth isn't that grief is all-consuming.

The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your life, there will be laughter. Don't feel guilty. Laugh if you want to. Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow yourself the time to laugh.Viewing laughter as part of the healing process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain more bearable.

The truth isn't that one person can bear this alone.

The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often falls on you. They are afraid to "butt in," or they may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They don't need to be told, "I'm doing fine" when you're really NOT doing fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.

The truth isn't that God must be punishing you for something.

The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. This was not an act of any God; it was an act of Nature. It isn't fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, "Why?" Sometimes there are answers. Most times there are not. Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your healing.

The truth isn't that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions during this time.

The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can make for yourself. Well-meaning people will try to shelter you from the pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin. Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience, but it will help you deal with your grief better as you progress by providing comforting memories of having performed loving, caring acts for your baby.

The truth isn't that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.

The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will eventually go away.

The truth isn't that all marriages survive this difficult time.

The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won't. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might even save your marriage.

The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.

The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the understanding you come to when you've successfully grieved the loss of a parent, or a grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we begin to heal. This won't happen. You will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he or she will live forever.

A Mother's Prayer/ Affirmation After Miscarriage In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.
I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.
During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.
I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attentio to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.
I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.
In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.
Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.
Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.
Let me find healing in the belief that this oul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.
Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.
Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.
Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.
I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.
I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.
by Stacey Dinner-Levin

It's just one of those days...

I'd honestly request a do-over, but I don't wanna chance having to deal with all the same BS so I'll just write today off... UGH!!

I just want him to understand that things like him refusing to go get testing done or putting it off because I didn't set up the appt, regardless of if we are ready to TTC or not, makes me feel like he doesn't care about the loss I feel...that's not fair to him I know but at the same time it's not fair to me that he makes these promises but never keeps them, or only keeps them in his way... only for some strange reason, this one is worse for me than his promise 7 years ago to stop smoking... this one seems to cut deeper??

When a Rainbow comes my way..

As children we are told that we could find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Years later after a couple science classes, you realize that the ends of rainbows are always moving depending on where the viewer is standing.  That's when the term "chasing rainbows" clicked in my head.

It doesn't matter.  I still look for rainbows after the storm.

http://cupcakemania-.tumblr.com/tagged/Rainbow

 

http://nancycreative.com/2010/06/25/feast-your-eyes-on-flavored-water/

• A twist of lemon or lime (or a little juice)
• A few small pieces of fruit (different colors)
• A slice of cucumber (subtle, but refreshing)
• A mint leaf or two ("bruise" them a little to release the flavor)
• A lavender flower or other edible flower 

1. Salt - I am sure you have heard of the term "electrolytes" in the marketing for energy drinks. Actually electrolytes are just ions that can be found in common table salt. Adding a little bit of salt to water helps your body absorb the liquid more quickly. As long as you don't go overboard with the salt the water should be very quenching and it would be great for workouts since the body loses salt through sweat.
2. Ginger - If you like spices, ginger is a great way to add a "zing" to your water. If it is added to boiling water it is also a great way to clear your throat and sinuses during a cold.
3. Citrus - My husband's family members often freeze a small citrus fruit called kalamansi in ice cube trays and then put the ice cubes in water for flavor. The same can be done with other citrus fruits and the water produced would be infused with vitamin C.
4. Herbs - Mint, lemongrass, and parsley are great for adding aroma and a hint of green to your water. If you want to release the flavor you can crush the plants a little bit before putting them into your water.
5. Cucumber - I saw this at a spa I went to in Hawaii. A water dispenser was half filled up with cucumber slices, and the water dispensed tasted very refreshing and smelled a bit like cucumber.
6. Wine - A favorite of mine to add to water is plum wine or umeshu. It is a very sweet Japanese liquere made from green plums so I drink it with a lot of water. The distinct sweet flavor still comes through when there is one part umeshu in ten parts water. I am sure the same can be done with other syrupy liqueres.
7. Berries - Blueberries and strawberries have distinct flavors that could be soaked up by water. All you have to do is cut or crush a few of the berries into your water.
8. Vinegar - Adding vinegar to water is similar to adding citrus. You will get sour water that has vitamin C. When I was a kid I liked adding apple vinegar to water and then drinking it. I do not recommend mixing in balsamic vinegar since it has oil, but any clear vinegar is good for flavoring your water.
 

 Rainbow Cake

Ingredients
1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
2 cups granulated sugar
5 large egg whites, room temperature and lightly whisked
1 1/2 tsp vanilla paste
1/2 cup sour cream, room temperature
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 Tbsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup whole milk
Soft Gel Paste ( Super Red, Lemon Yellow, Electric Orange, Electric Green, Electric Blue and Royal Purple)

Be sure to use food coloring GEL.  Please do not use liquid food coloring.

Method

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Gather as many 9'' round cake pans as you can find.  I only had two, so I had to clean the pans between baking.  Butter and line the cake rounds with parchment paper rounds.  Set aside.
2.  In a bowl of a stand mixer with the paddle attachment, cream butter.  Add sugar and continue to cream until lighter in color.  Slowly add egg whites to the butter on low-medium speed.  Add vanilla paste and sour cream.  Mix until thoroughly combined.
3.  In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.
4.  Alternate adding flour mixture and milk to the creamed mixture.  Add the flour in three additions, beginning and ending with the flour.
5.  If you have a kitchen scale, transfer the batter to another bowl and weight it out.  Take the weight and divide it by 6.  My total weight was 1530 grams.  Divide by 6, it was 255 grams.  Measure of 255 grams of batter into 6 small bowls.  If you don't have a scale, it was roughly 3/4 cup of batter into 6 bowls.
6.  Add food coloring to individual bowls.  I used about 4-8 drops of coloring for each.  Some colors required more gel than others to get the vibrant hues I wanted.  Be sure to use food gels.  Adding liquid food coloring will make your batter too runny and thin.
7.  Transfer colored batter to prepared cake pan. Bake for 13-15 minutes until cake is set.  Let cool in pan for 3 minutes before unmolding and allowing to cool completely on the racks.  Continue to bake off cakes until you have completed all six colors.

Italian Meringue Buttercream

Ingredients
12 oz granulated sugar
3 oz water
3/4 cup egg whites
18 oz unsalted butter, cut into 1-inch cubes, room temperature

Method

1.  In a saucepan, combine sugar and water.  Stir until it resembles wet sand.  Set to high heat and cook and cook until candy thermometer reads 245 degrees F.  While the heat is on, DO NOT stir or disturb the sugar solution.  Agitation will cause unwanted cystallization.  If any sugar splashes onto the sides of the saucepan, use a clean pastry brush soaked in water to dilute any crystal formation.
2. While the sugar is cooking, whip the egg whites in the bowl of a stand mixer with a whisk attachment. Keep it at low speed until whites are foamy (it should look like the foam on top of beer).  Once foamy, begin whipping at medium speed.  Before you add the sugar, lower the speed slightly.
3.  Once sugar reaches 245 degrees F, pour it into the whipping egg whites in a slow and steady stream.  After all the sugar has been added, increased the speed to high.  Continue to whip until the mixing bowl is slightly warm than room temperature to the touch.
4.  Turn down the mixer to medium speed and slowly add the butter, a couple cubes at a time.  Continue to whip at medium speed until all the butter has been added.  Whip until buttercream is smooth and creamy.

Notes:  If you add the butter when the meringue is too hot, it may melt and the buttercream may not emulsify.  If this happens, place the mixing bowl in the freezer for a couple minutes to cool down the mixture.  Once cooled, started whipping again.

If the butter is too cold when added to the meringue, the buttercream may end up chunky.  Use a torch to warm the bowl or place over a bain-maire to soften the butter.

Cake Assembly

1.   Place the purple layer of cake on a cake board.  Spread a rounded 1/4 cup of buttercream on top.  Repeat with blue, green, yellow, orange and red.

2.  Use 1/2 a cup of buttercream for the crumb coat of the cake.  Let chill in the refrigerator for 15 minutes.  Once chilled, coat the cake with another layer of buttercream.

Waiting.. and waiting.. still waiting..

I'm not very good at waiting, in fact I really hate waiting.. but that's what my DH had asked yet again of me in the TTC arena shortly after my latest M/C - - and yet, the end of the wait doesn't ever seem to be in sight!! Over the 9 years that we've been married it was "Let's wait till we've been married a few years, so say when we turn 25..." then it was "We need to wait till we are more financially secure..." next it was "We are stationed in Hawaii, lets live it up since this is a once in a lifetime experience..." I heard "We need to be more secure in our relationship.." after that and now the request to wait is again based on waiting till we move somewhere else..??  I appreciate that he wants to have things as stress-free as possible when I do get preg again, but honestly the thought of going back on BC pills scares me since I've gotten preg on them every time and lost it everytime... so for me that is out. He won't wear a condom so that's out, and according to him taking the two seconds that it would take to pop in a barrier tab or spermacide tab takes too long... which all that means is that he really wants for me to go back on BC!!! And I honestly thought about it for a while, even went to the doc to request a Rx for it... but even he didn't think it was a good idea for me to go back on it...

So here I sit looking at an app that I downloaded onto my phone so that I would actually take more effort to keep track of my cycles since I'm not on BC.. the app tells me that this weekend I should start my 'fertile days', but that I won't O for 7 more days and if things go as typical for us, we'll have sex on Sunday night which means 4 days prior to my O-day. Great... PERFECT even... and according to our routine, we won't have sex again for a week... why does this strike me as extremely annoying?? I'll enter the 2WW knowing that according to most articles I've read, sperm can in fact live up to 5 days and longer in a hospitable environment and even live up to 3 (although likely less than 24hrs) in a hostile one. I've decided today that I don't like this app... I don't want to chart anything, I'm terrified of getting preg again, I'm terrified of getting preg before DH says that he wants to be TTC... but I'm even more terrified of waiting!! What's wrong with me!!!!?????

 Did I mention I hate waiting??

Friendly fire...

I find myself struggling today, simply because I had a friend contact me yesterday with the news that she's 13wks preg... she's happy that she is, and she was concerned how I would take it given that it wasn't planned and she wasn't prepared for it... I said all the right things (I think), I told her how if she needed anything I was there for her and that I hoped she had a healthy pregnancy and a easy birth ending in a happy and healthy child... but for the rest of the day I couldn't think straight, I couldn't get over how much I wished that I had been confident in my own pregnancy to be able to announce it!! I couldn't get over how much I minimize my M/Cs, my pregnancies, my sweet little angels... there are still days that I have people come to me knowing what I've gone through, and express sympathy, I tell them I'm fine that I'm dealing with it better - but the truth is, that I'm just better at not showing the emotions. I no longer instantly want to break down into tears, but it's just departmentalized I think.. My husband still asks me what's wrong, but he doesn't say anything supportive when I actually tell him what's wrong. I know he just doesn't know how to deal with it, but I wish he'd at least tell me that he loves me and is there for me... it's ok though, I'll get through this too... and today or tomorrow or next week when another friend posts a ultrasound image, newborn picture or just a statement of how things are for them and their healthy child or pregnancy, I'll get through that too.. it just takes time and patience with myself..

But ya know, I honestly wish they'd just shoot me in the foot... at least that will heal easier...

One day at a Mine...

Okay, it was more than one day... but it was a wonderful time...
This weekend my husband took me to Arkansas Diamond Crater, which is a public diamond mine... it was cold, wet, muddy, nasty weather with no diamonds to show for our trouble and yet in spite of that I had an awesome time... well ok, not awesome, but I would go back in a heartbeat and do it all over again with the exact same conditions if it meant spending time like that with my husband again. Strange though cause it wasn't really like he was being romantic or affectionate much over the weekend, but he had his moments... like driving he'd reach across to hold my hand, or watching a movie he was holding me (didn't give him much choice but he didn't bitch about it either like normal)... he was actually interested in doing something that was out of his normal scope, although he went about it in a way that I probably wouldn't have... still it was a good weekend, and one that I'm so thankful for... I guess I really need to make sure that he knows how thankful I am for his effort, maybe I'll write him a letter tomorrow...???

Oh and we got home to find the Sound System I'd ordered for him was in, so that was comical... Here's the conversation on Facebook:

John Raymond (Husband) so whats with the box labeled fragile and a hand drawn map to our house on the top of it?

John Raymond (Husband) you are intentionally ignoring my post aren't you....

Stephenie Raymond HA HA.. Not ignoring you..

John Raymond (Husband) you avoided the question....

Stephenie Raymond Just go open it and quit sending me messages from the other side of the room on FACEBOOK!!!

John Raymond (Husband) but....but....but....ok

John Raymond (Husband) by the way, I'm gonna hurt you if it is what I think it is...

Billy Harrison (Friend) OMG WHAT IS IT?!

Stephenie Raymond He hasn't opened it yet... so we don't know... LOL - It's a mystery...

Stacey Taylor (Friend) Geesh John stop crying and open the damn box GEESH!!!!!!!!!!!

Stephenie Raymond Apparently I'm now turning you guys against him... umm... I think someone is persnickety... and btw JONATHAN DEAR... that word is a real ENGLISH word...

John Raymond (Husband) YOU SO DIDN'T/AREN'T USING THAT WORD IN THE CORRECT CONTEXT! just so everyone else knows...

Stephenie Raymond Umm... Seems to me that I am using it in the correct context... YOU ARE PERSNICKETY!! FUSSY!!!

Michael Thomas Johnson (Cousin)  Just open the friggin box would ya!!

Stephenie Raymond He did.. FINALLY!! He can tell ya what it is though... since he came and punched me in the arm for it... apparently it needs to go back since he wants to hurt me for getting it..

Michael Thomas Johnson (Cousin)  Yep..send it back!

Billy Harrison (Friend)  send it to me =)

Mitzi Cook (Friend)  I know what it is!

Karen Captain (Mom-n-Law)  omg!!!! you are all on this!!!!

John Raymond (Husband) ok...so Steph got me a Bose Home Theater Surround Sound System with the attachment for the two rear speakers to be run without being directly connected to the media center! Oh and she got a blue ray player thrown in on the package as well...only problem is...I'm probably gonna have to re-arrange the living room to try to figure out where I can put the speakers...worse problems to have I guess...THANK YOU BABE!!

Michael Thomas Johnson (Cousin)  That's better... young jedi;)

Stephenie Raymond Gee don't sound too enthusiastic or anything... but you are welcome dear...

Bottom of Form

Yes, my husband is a dork... sitting across the room, and sending me Facebook messages instead of talking to me about the box... silly boy...

I'm not over it...

... not even close apparently...

Today my supervisor brought in his little baby... Raiden is beautiful, perfect little angel... and I see his perfect little hands and face, I see the joy that is so obvious on both my supervisor and his beautiful (okay, even I'm a little envious of the fact that she's already up and moving around and looking flawless 4 days after giving birth..) wife's face... and I want to scream, cry, rant, rave, decry fate!! It's not fair... but with more composure than I thought I had, I was able to see this little tiny infant and hold back the tears that threatened to over flow, I was able to swallow the bitter ache that burned at my throat, and I was able to keep my heart from bursting... at least till they left, then I felt like I couldn't control it any longer and it was like a damn shattering under the force of a raging river...

It's with great...

... heartache I welcome the New Year - oh dear, how sad that sounds!!

... pleasure - No, cause so far the New Year has not provided much pleasure!!

... sorrow - that sounds worse than the heartache...

... regret - No, I don't really regret the coming of the New Year, but I do dislike it's start...

I don't know how to express what I feel, every day something new occurs that throws me further into this tail-spin... I want desperately to love my husband and be loved in return, but every attempt I've made in getting him to understand that I need more ends in a rebuff...?? Saturday for instance, he was drunk when I got home - no I wouldn't tell him that to his face since it would end in nothing but tears for myself... but he was, and somehow we ended up in a conversation about how he's frustrated with me... Why you ask?? Because he's jealous of my ability to feel a connection (I think) to an unborn child of ours?? Is he really so ungenerous... unfeeling?? JEALOUS!!! How can you be jealous when you don't even rouse yourself to feel anything?? HATEFUL!!! SPITEFUL!!! How in the world can someone claim on one day to love you and want to do nothing but support you, turn around and be jealous of the nightmare that you face everyday!!??