Jan 1, 2011
I'm glad 2010 is over.. already wish '11 was over too! This year already seems bad.. No Job.. Truck is jacked up.. a million other things that I'm hoping straighten out or I'm going to be in a padded room or a coffin one..
My heart is broken with no signs of repair anytime soon... my soul and spirit are heavy... Worse though is due to all the things added up, I feel like I'm letting down the ones I love most?!
Jan 2, 2011
J's 30th birthday... (I felt bad that we didn't have much in the way of money since I'd lost my job so I couldn't do the things I wanted.)
Jan 6, 2011
Counseling today... didn't know if I was looking forward to it or not? (We'd start marriage counseling... it was our first session and I was very upset with J over things) Still feel out of sorts with it... 1st off our homework so to speak is to basically compare our spouses current traits, positive and negative, to our role models.. Not an easy Task!! Of course neither was what she asked during session - "Tell me why you feel in love? What is the current issue? Why do you feel this way?" - J spoke up a lot talking about a wide variety of things... surprised me!
Jan 10, 2011
Weekend at Mom's and it actually gave me a lot to think about... Strange!! I see a weird pattern... not only with myself but w/ J, w/ Makeesha, and even w/ the rest of the family... compared to J's family we are all VERY close, VERY connected!! Not just physically but also on a deeper level... I realize a lot from this weekend such as why I act how I do? I've always known that 'Nurture vs Nature' was a real thing but it's strangely evident to me today?
Another thing made itself known too - I was actually glad to be back home, a first in a good long while... things were really nice here...
Mar 11, 2011
2 months since I last wrote... Wow!! Not for lack of time or want - I think maybe just lazy?? Things have gotten better in ways though and I am impressed some days with J's behavior... Other days are harder!! Some days he's sweet and kind, affectionate... Mitzi and Derek even notice and have made multiple comments about how different he is some days... but again others - I'm just glad that those days seem to be on the lower end of the spectrum instead of higher!!
I can't complain too much though...
Areas that have improved are obvious... affection and sweet/kind words rather than cuts and the like... I think he's also maybe realized a few things that are making life easier - definitely less egg shells!! I still wish he didn't drink as much!! 12 pack on the weekend (as he promised) is still closer to a case... smoking isn't improved... and he still doesn't see how spiteful, argumentative and cruel he can be... Nor does he seem to realize that temper/anger issue all the time?? But small steps...??
April 15, 2011
Today I turned 30!! Yikes...
(I documented my birthday party so to speak, along with the treasure hunt for my gifts... and the good news about jobs and the like...)
May 11, 2011
I don't know what to say... call came today for me to go do two things - 1: take a pregnancy test, 2: then a blood test... waiting on results...
I'm scared!! Terrified and more...
May 12, 2011
Positive - 2nd Trimester possibly... OMG - how am I going to tell Jonathan!!
I have the U/S on the 1st and I hope that J goes... stressed, scared...
May 25, 2011
So... I pulled the same trick J did for my B-Day to tell him... went & got stuffed bear and a few other things, set clues and he followed the trail, he said he was happy...? IDK though... I wanted to cry cause it just was such a relief - and he's going with me on the 1st!! I'm happy and all day have felt less stressed and panicked... I wish that he'd come out of his shell more and tell me what he's thinking... wish I wasn't sitting here wondering about his thoughts all the time! Specially now, specially when I want to know all about what he thinks of all this.. Ugh!!
Love- you keep asking what I'm writing... you should know... the one thing that for the next few months will be my primary focus - silly boy... I'm pregnant with your child... my world suddenly seems very difficult to expand beyond the widening part of my mid-section!! I'm finally free to be truly happy and not concerned about your reaction (well as long as I take just your words from last night) to all of this... so... as long as I don't think about the bad things that could happen, so scared of anything happening but right now I'm just trying to remain up beat because positive thinking is the best right? I just want to share everything but I don't want to go overboard with you... ugh... so hard to balance this... I know it's only been a few days but like you, I've had a passing thought of 'maybe' here and there... only I didn't want to know for sure in case = somethings are better left never knowing for sure than to have it taken from you!! I guess this way it's been nice because everything is saying "good" without me having time to be overly worried about anything other than telling you... 2nd trimester... I hope everything is right!!
Letter to my baby:
Sweet baby... you have been dreamed of and wished for... desired and longed for... as long as God continues to allow you to grow and be healthy, I will cherish each emotion and sensation!
There is nothing I regret about your presence, and you've already migrated into my heart and soul... I know time will go by so fast but right now it seems like it can't go by fast enough and later I'll be wishing that time would stand still so I'll try to refrain from wishing time to go faster and just enjoy all the experiences as they come...
The very idea of you has healed parts of my heart and soul that I've worried wouldn't ever heal... and it makes the relationship with your father interesting!! He's already worried about how much I eat and threatening an IV... I love him very much and it has been a struggle our entire relationship to continue to do so... But he'll be an awesome dad... I can't wait to see you with him...
You are my secret garden that only I can see or feel... for now...
June 1, 2011
Black Void... that's all it is... just an empty spot where my child should have been... I don't know what to think or say or do...
Jonathan... I'm sorry - I should have waited to tell you... should have waited to tell anyone... I knew better than to get my hopes up!!
June 2, 2011
"M/C" started at about midnight... didn't really end till about 4... horrible... I was really hoping to sleep through most of it again or at least the Aleve would help more!! I think my back muscles hurt more than anything... no work today other than stuff around the house maybe...
Mitzi and the kids went to lunch with me and now I'm cooking dinner for them cause they helped paint and stuff... Not been thinking about it other than when I have a bad cramp! Still remember J's face when the black void appeared... it wasn't good to me... I wish he'd talk to me about it - i don't want him to get upset if I'm talking about it when he doesn't want too?! Love you baby... I'm sorry!!
June 3, 2011
I still don't know what to feel or think 1st of all... went a little crazy on J last night - poor guy didn't deserve that but then I don't feel I deserved the tone or manner that he answered me with!
I wanted to know where his thoughts were so finally I asked after everyone left... "Disappointed" was all I got? Somehow that doesn't seem right... Disappointed is what I was when you didn't immediately want to celebrate - although maybe you did but like me wanted to wait to see if everything was ok 1st? And I would understand that... but hell I had to ask if you were happy because you didn't seem like you were... Disappointed is also the 1st emotion that hit me when I saw the black void... but that was overshadowed so much by how worried I was about how you would be... and also by this huge feeling of extreme loss... Disappointment is so minor of an emotion to me currently that it doesn't even fit!! But regardless if disappointment is all you feel babe... then why get so upset actin when I said/asked about 'trying'? Why did that get the bigger reaction??
June 3rd was the last entry in that journal... I couldn't stand to write in it anymore... couldn't stand to document any more of the hurt I was feeling until I picked back up writing on here...
June 1st is fast approaching and every day my heart feels more and more unsure of where I stand... I can read the words I wrote then now and my eyes stay dry, but just barely... J asked me what I was doing and I handed him the letter, I watched him read the words twice then he handed it back silently - what are you thinking love?? Why won't you talk to me still after almost a year... I still need you, need your support, need your love and communication on this, but still you are silent...
No comments:
Post a Comment