Man... last week was killer!!!
Started off good... after getting this new doc's diagnosis of high Androgen counts, the hubs and I have been discussing plans for changing the way we eat around the house. Conversation started a little rough around the edges but seems to have evened out decently since... I had to remind myself several times that I needed to wait to see if the knee jerk reaction from him was going to continue or if he would come around, he did finally come around but for a while there I thought I'd have to strangle the poor boy if he said one more negative comment about my "need" to diet... Men don't always think about what they say and how it can be damaging!!! He's been trying to be more willing to eat green stuff as sides and even willingly stated that he'd lessen his want for red meat to once or twice a week... that was an interesting turn around though... I did compromise on that seeing as I tend to not want to eat often in the evenings, I'd cook some of his more hearty meals on those nights and he'll have left overs. We also talked pretty extensively about his feelings of remorse, guilt and selfishness concerning us not having kids yet... that kinda surprised me, since he's never said much about how he'd felt beyond that he wants kids and that he is ok with me not being on BC pills. His emotions were like a damn busting though - started with a random comment from me concerning his investigation that has had us pinned here at this duty station for the last 6months to a year without having any news, apparently my making those comments has rubbed him pretty raw even though it wasn't my intention to make him feel that as he put it "I'm using this RI as an excuse to wait longer"... I didn't realize that he thought that I was resentful toward him, which I have been in the past because I did feel like he was just pushing another excuse my way, but that feeling has not been there in a long time - if I'm resentful it's not at him any longer, it's squarely on the frustration of the situation... but he told me that he was selfish in the past for all the times that he's said wait and explained that it was usually that he just was holding so tightly to the past issues we'd had and fear of us getting a divorce that had him thinking he didn't want to have kids with me yet, he explained that he felt guilty over the excuses and wished he could have known better and saw the situation for what it was as well as see that he was the one making it so hard. I was amazed at that and it only got better... he stated that he also was frustrated because he not only didn't want me going through a pregnancy without him due to stress levels, but he wanted to be there to experience the entire thing with me from the first moment we knew we were going to be parents to the hormone craziness of cravings/crying/tempers throughout the months of pregnancy to the 1st Ultrasound to the sleepless nights of the first few weeks/months of having a newborn in the house... he was in tears and I was awe-struck!! It was a very good convo and made my heart do flip-flops... couldn't keep the smile in check either even as the tears rolled down both of our faces because all I could think about was his flippant remark about how he knew there would be Facebook pictures of him crashed out on a couch with a tiny little one asleep on his chest... he's so terrified of doing something wrong... it just floors me when he tells me these things!!!
Anyways... that was the good...
It then got bad... BAD BAD BAD...
1st found out the investigation was substantiated... bad news for the husbands career... rebuttal had to be turned in within 10 days and poor J was stressed out badly over it. We're waiting now for the answer to the rebuttal, hoping that the substantiation gets overturned or that it's proven that J was unaware of the reasons for the investigation in the first place... UGH it's a mess...
2: Found out my niece was preg again, but either losing it or lost it or something funky happened... still waiting on the official results but my opinion was she had already lost it... it was bad enough on me just to hear that she was preg because they so aren't in a position to be trying again and yet they are - that's just frustration in a bottle waiting to get shook up and pop the cork... and pop it did, I think I freaked out and cried for over an hour to J. My soap box needs to stay to the side on this but really... they aren't married, barely can take care of themselves and the kid they already have without leaning on others, what makes them think that it's smart to have another - specially where she's going to have issues if she doesn't lose a ton of weight first, and get a reliable vehicle so she can make it to her doc appts without someone else taking her!!! Which the vehicle thing is why I ended up having to go with her to her Ultrasound and Doc appt... man that was like going through my M/C all over again, only diff was there wasn't anything at all to see in her uterus whereas in mine there was just an empty sac...having the same doc telling her that she might still have a possibility when that doc told me flat out there wasn't any hope that there might be a viable pregnancy... it was just BAD news all around!!! But I endured for my niece, I found the courage to deal with her and was able to put all the info I've gained over the last year to good use and asked several questions when it was obvious that my lovely niece had no clue what to ask or say... UGH!
3: The niece stayed the night with me, along with my little grand-nephew... that was interesting, kid gets into everything and there is no way to get him to listen... talk about pulling your hair out when you've had that kinda day... I wanted to drink all the alcohol in my house and eat up a store-room of chocolate and buttery bread or something... BUT NO... stupid diet!! Can't even have my favorite comfort foods after a week like that!!
4: Thursday and Friday were still hard, I still wanted to cry because everyone was calling me for answers about my niece - she has a phone, she was there, call her - unfortunately she's not good with being an adult yet and figuring out the right questions to ask or knowing what in the hell just happened really so it was left to me to figure out... but I made it through ok... Saturday I think I paid for it somewhat with a migraine but I'm ok still... cool thing about Thursday thru Sunday was all the chats with the hubs about his feelings about the situation with the niece, he's just as outraged as I was about them "trying" in their situation for another child, he felt in some ways the way I do with the jealousy and judgmental attitude... how life isn't fair that we who have WAY more stability haven't even been blessed with an accident nevermind can't get away from a bad situation so we can try without one or both of us being so stressed out we are tearing hair out...
so that was my week... parts good, parts bad... overall survived it to another week...
I'm just hoping for some calm for a while... and a positive answer for the investigation...
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