It seems every day I struggle...
... I struggle to keep focused on the things that need to be done at work - projects that need to be completed, problems that need to be solved, paperwork that needs to be filled out and filed, inventory processed and cataloged, shelves that need organizing, etc, etc, the list just goes on and on...
... I struggle to keep up with the housework and yard work - again with the projects that need to be completed (walk way around the house, pier, display stand for my DH's trophies, etc), never ending cleaning and dusting and folding and organizing and putting away and ____ and ___ and __ and _ and and, mowing and weeding, potholes in the drive, again the list grows and grows... I need a maid and a gardener!!
... I struggle to lose weight, maintain weight, work out, and eat healthy all while making sure that the husband has what he likes to eat...
... I struggle to keep the peace, to keep my opinions to myself, to forgive, to trust, to not judge too harshly, to keep my emotions in check, to always remember to smile in the face of adversity, to laugh at least once a day, to not rely solely on myself and make like an island, to not be needy, to be independent...
... I struggle to keep my mind from wandering around too much in my brain's attic, it's just not a good place to go with all of it's skeletons and ghosts...
Most of the time my internal struggles are ok, most of the time I make it through each day like it's nothing... Most of the time you'd never know if I was truly upset by something or if I was just fine...
However - "Most of the time..." isn't today... isn't this week... isn't really this month... most of the time is just not cutting it recently!! Recently if I get even a little upset by something, I'm either flying off the handle mad or I'm trying to keep from crying a river... everything is bugging me - from the daily grind at the office to seeing the little things around the house that need done, everything bugs me, everything rubs me totally wrong, everything pulls an extreme reaction... UGH!! I'm so sick of this crap, because this isn't me normally... and the last time I can honestly remember I was like this - last year starting around April/May, problem with this recollection is that I know it's not the same reasons which makes me all the more upset and anxious... Sadly enough, this puts a major strain on my relationship with my husband. I know he can tell I'm not "ok", but when even I don't know what is causing this mental melt down it's kinda hard to answer his questions. And even more to the point, hard to keep from tearing his head off when he makes me even a little upset... trivial stuff, stupid discussions and I'm ready to do just about anything to shut him up so I can have some quiet - but then once he's shut up and quiet (usually asleep when this occurs) all I want is to be wrapped up in him, which is a no-go cause he's just not really all that affectionate, AND I put off a ton of heat so even when he is being somewhat affectionate the heat becomes an issue for him relatively quick and that's that... Why is it I feel like I bitch about the same things with him over and over...???
I need a vacation from myself...
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