So after a year of grieving, of reliving and rehashing, of struggles both internal and external, of wistful thinking, and of dreams turned to ash... I think I've finally made it to a point of acceptance and understanding. I apparently needed to go through this again, maybe I needed to go through it so J could understand in part the risks, or maybe so I could finally get some tests done and know what is wrong with me (I'll get to that in a second), or maybe it was so I could get over the fear of it happening and know that it was something I could live through... maybe I needed to go through it so I could share my story and connect with those who I never knew had suffered this miserable fate, maybe it's cause I needed to meet someone and offer my assistance to them... I truly don't know the reason why it happened again, and while I still wish I was holding my 6month old in my arms instead of grieving over another child that I didn't get to know, I finally feel as though there really was a purpose to it.
I've learned that my husband does want kids with me and I'm no longer afraid of that... (even if he continues to want to wait for the perfect time)... UGH!!!
I've learned that there are lots of wonderful women out there that have gone through this experience and have endured it far better than I have...
I've learned that it's ok to not be ok, not to feel guilty over others actions/reactions, not to take everything that happens as a slight against myself or my "failures"...
I've learned to cry it out, rail and not hold so much to myself because there are people out there more than willing to offer support no matter the complication... and that includes my husband in those that are supportive, even when he makes every appearance of not caring - I've learned that specially with him appearances are very deceiving and I need to wait before passing judgement because what's on the other side of his "act" might surprise me!
Anyways - it's time for me to really focus on trying to get my body and mind reset.. time for me to stop letting the past cloud over the good things in my life.. time for me to get a handle on my emotional state, my physical state, and my mental state...
Part of this will be what my new Doc has ordered.. a diabetic diet! Nope I'm not a diabetic, but apparently when you have a high testosterone count you might as well be if you are trying to get your body ready to be preg!! Yes, I'm gearing up... hoping and praying that all the obstacles will line up and get cleared so I can finally get out of this hold pattern... so over the next week or two I'm going to start paying closer attention to what I eat, working harder at getting in shape, and also try to find a balance between my new dietary needs and what my husband wants to eat!! LOL - 1st things first... get all the junk out of the house, I'll probably eat some of it, but I'm going to try and cook up everything that isn't REALLY healthy for me now, start looking into recipes and finding what I will eat on my latest list of stuff, and then once I get all the bad out it'll be time for a good cleansing fast and jump onto this new way of eating... Wish me luck!
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