Total weight gain: About 20lbs.
Stretch marks: Yup... but I still consider them minor...
Sleep: Still doing ok as long as I'm not too hot.
Best moment of this week: Realizing I have an amazing support system of friends (thank you Facebook for keeping me connected) and family, but most importantly my husband - It's sometimes really easy to forget how much I rely on them all and it's been really easy to forget how much my husband does support me, albeit silently, but still support.
Miss anything: the last 9 months... Seriously, where in the hell did they go???
Movement: Lots of random movements - limbs poking out, rolling movement... I just wish that he would flip to head down position!!
Labor signs: So at my NST appt on 7/24, I had my first recognizable contraction... monitor picked it up as well - so it was confirmed and nurse/tech said that it was a good "real" one whatever that means. I've continued to have small contractions randomly since...
Belly button in or out: In
Wedding rings on or off: Off - but only because it's been so hot!
Happy or moody most of the time: Starting to tend toward moody because things are not going how I want them.
Looking forward to: getting through the next week and finally holding my little boy... as terrifying as the thought of a c-sec is for me, I know that having him is going to be amazing if I can just get through the panic and stress of the next week planning for the c-sec. I'm still holding out a little hope for him to decide to stop being so stubborn and just turn head down, but trying to find a way to remain positive about his birth regardless of how it occurs.Ok.. so yeah, my plans of a natural birth are quickly diminishing. I'm not at all ok with this, but I'm trying to overcome my fears of drugs and of a c-sec to allow myself the opportunity to enjoy this last week of pregnancy while preparing for my little boy's arrival. This is probably among the top emotional stress-inducing issues I've faced - not as high as say my emotional recovery from my last miscarriage, threats of divorce and separation from my husband, or the death of my Grandmother... but it's still pretty hard for me to deal with and I hope to be able to look back at this to see that all my worries were for nothing, that everything will work out exactly as it should - right now it's hard to see the forest for all the trees.
My husband and I had an interesting chat the other night - I think in a strange way he was trying to reassure me that I'd done everything I could and sometimes there are things that are just beyond our control... aka the stubborn boy that remains breech! I know I joke a lot about him being as stubborn as I am, of course daddy's stubborn streak isn't exactly unheard of either... but it is frustrating me at this point mainly due to my fears. Luckily J does understand that I'm afraid and it's not a rational fear, it's nothing I can really change, just something that I have to try and prepare myself a little better for. And granted he's been trying to push me to be a lot more open to this possibility than I ever wanted to be and I've done a good amount of researching/preparing but always hoping for the best outcome. Anyways, he commented that he didn't hold any resentment toward me (which I kinda was taken back that he would even say that).. that he's been trying to be as supportive as possible since he wants what I want.. etc... I think he's worried about losing me somehow? And to that end I'm trying to do things that I don't want to even think about, such as writing a living will to include any and all choices that I might decide to make for this birth and this child... This is not easy!!
Aug 13th... ready or not... here he comes!
As to the fears, well I've been trying to figure out what all they really are - fear of surgery is a big one, fear of the drugs another, fear of not bonding well with this child that I've wanted and prayed to come... fear that because this pregnancy has been so relatively easy and I've had a hard time remembering I'm pregnant or knowing that this isn't a dream, that being handed a baby on the OR table without labor will be too surreal... trauma fear from knowing that I could miscarry a child naturally but can "heal" from that trauma by giving birth naturally to a living breathing one... this all just SUCKS!!! And yes I feel that I have to write this out to process it... meanwhile baby boy is putting a knee or elbow in my side and a head in my ribs reminding me he's real - I love you too baby, but I'd love to not feel the stress of worrying over a c-sec as your birth plan!
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